My Life in a Nutshell

2009-09-20T07:13:00.000-07:00

life is a blur. its moves too fast for you to absorb in and understand whats happening around you.

i think time got hooked on red bull.

anyway, 03/09 came and gone, a whirlwind of fun and tough training and a myriad of interesting characters.

04/09 is in the house, and a whole new experience awaits.

i seem to have a lot of time, but not enough time to do what i want. how?

2009-09-05T18:34:00.000-07:00

im back!

now most of my major stuff are over. left one more batch to go after this batch POPs on wednesday.

and im contingent sergeant major! the ultimate saikang warrior. tiring and sunburns. zz.

PAE outing is coming soon, hopefully get to see the whole class again! and when are we gg singing AJ wushu?

so many things, so many commitments. but im having fun. :)

looking forward to TBC. PIT AH!

2009-08-10T04:35:00.000-07:00

fieldcamp is over. and another high key kicks in straight away. range this week, after which im on 2 days off. so please jio me go out yea!

went dbl 0 on sat with alford. it was a night of rare coincidences. :)

this girl i saw there, can't get her out of my head. i must be going crazy. LOL.

ORD soon. what's next?

2009-08-02T02:16:00.000-07:00

ITS FIELDCAMP AGAIN.

DIE, ALL SHALL DIE.

*evil laughs*

2009-07-25T19:00:00.000-07:00

yesterday's wushu outing was a smashing success! congrats to kangrui for finally making it happen. haha.

but of course don't forget the 2 people who initiated the outing: nyukmin and i.
and of course the original planner from NONG NONG AGO: teng, kangrui

haha. just seeing the whole team yesterday made my day.

and i think even trace was so moved that so many of us turned up, and celebrated her birthday. oh yea!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOTHER TRACE!

and everyone was as retarded as ever. make jokes out of minahs and fans. oh dear.

okay shall try to kapoh all the photos from facebook when they're uploaded and post them here. :)

this month i've been meeting and bumping into a lot of old friends. and there are so many commitments too. next month is gonna be a killer. but once i finish aug, ORD OH!

cmon cmon august faster come!

2009-07-13T03:47:00.000-07:00

a new commitment. new focus in life.

bigger dreams, more aspirations.

reaching towards my goals, one step at a time.

2009-06-30T02:31:00.000-07:00

wow. its been a whole month. and in a whole month many things passed by.

the new recruit intake has been refreshing, but i guess nothing is ever easy. it takes a whole lot of patience to teach these guys. with 2 new specialists in the platoon, things were supposed to be easier. who knew they had to stay out all the way?

things are now more difficult than before. damn all these new measures. and damn the people who implemented them.

its going to be harder to take off and leave these days, and i guess the people who will be feeling the brunt of it will be the 46th. lets hope these measure don't stay for good and the whole saga in tekong will blow over soon.

i was supposed to meet up with jules this long weekend. who knew she would go through such an elaborate, but unnecessary, process to ask me out for my long due ice cream. but in the end, we didn't have the chance to enjoy it. another time then.

its a short week, and hopefully a fufilling one.

people have been pressurizing me to do certain things, and move on in my life. i must agree, that now im rather stagnant at where i am, and i want to achieve more than what i have now. but all these come with sacrifices. im now faced with choices, and to a certain extent, have no idea to which do i commit.

these choices are long overdue, and i don't want to disappoint either way.

not forgetting my current commitments, which i think have been slacking in standard since the new intake.

its time to buck up. its time to decide. so many choices, but how am i to choose?

2009-05-29T04:41:00.001-07:00

2 more weeks to POP and we are so happy!

lol. this batch is incredibily fast. my NS life actually seems like its coming to an end soon. ORD oh!

went to Attica last night with alford, earnest, and the zulu boys.

me and ford went to support marlene's fund raising efforts, and i simply brought reinforcements. the place was not huge, but we had fun nonetheless. it wasnt that packed, but rather just nice for dancing. haha.

it was exhausting, much more tiring than other times ive been clubbing. i have no idea why though.

oh wells. its going to be busy the next week. keep fighting, soldier! :D

2009-05-18T04:47:00.000-07:00

back from field camp.

whew, its been a tiring 6 days man. i was so tired on saturday that i just concussed and fell asleep at 2200. and now im suffering from fieldcamp-lag.

its been a trying 6 days for me to manage to platoon. ive learned that i have to vary my teaching style with each batch, as they are different from the previous ones. OC mentioned that i should refine my technique more.

i guess i'll have to try harder next time.

i spent some time talking to the platoon after the fieldcamp, and explained to them my roles and responsibilities as a platoon sergeant. hopefully this way they will better understand my job and realise that i do not wish to always appear the bad guy in front of them.

in a way, i can now understand CSM and his difficulties. no matter how bad his attitude or how harsh he may be, he's just doing his job and ultimately, that keeps the company running, whether we like it or not. yes, it could have been better. but the work was still done, and i must say, efficiently.

so hypocrite or not, CSM did his work, and we should be grateful for that.

now a new CSM is in -- a guardsman from 3rd div. hopefully he's reasonable and understanding and the specialists will find it easy to work with him.

now all thats left in this batch is their IPPT to clear. im not so worried about SITEST or the 24km, as they have to do it anyway. but their IPPT requires effort, and im not sure all of them are willing to give 101% to achieve a good standard. furthermore, im DOS on thursday and i won't be able to be there to give them a boost during the test. sighs.

i guess things are more or less working out for me now. i have more focus and more time to myself. im no longer brooding or worried about ridiculously insignificant stuff as in the past. lets hope this keeps up and maybe one day ill forget all the crap that happened during this 2 years of tribulation.

omg that sounded damn drama. haha!

2009-05-03T01:09:00.001-07:00

shag ah. new batch of recruits means work. oh well. i guess i get to play hard and work hard.

went to zouk with ford on bookout day! and hell yeah, we partyed away. not forgetting the time spent in the toilet. *ahems*

a few birthdays just past: alford, pat, joey, my dad, and qai. happy getting older guys! haha.

anyway, booking in today. my long weekend didnt seem that long aye.

and i am so going to uniqlo to buy that polo asap. cant wait.

2009-04-12T07:14:00.001-07:00

so its back to camp now. its all going to happen again. im gonna try and put whatever has happened behind me and work forward to my future.

im going to do, if i have to, by myself.

its a new start, a new beginning.

tough times don't last, tough men do.

2009-04-11T19:24:00.001-07:00

i guess im only back here now because im facing problems. seems like that nowadays huh?

im so lost. i don't know what to do anymore. it seems like everything i do turns out wrong.

i can't trust myself anymore, because everything i do just can't seem to satify myself, or the people around me.

last night, i went for a seminar by a company. it ended late, and i wanted to stay out to save on my cab fare. but my mum decided for me that i should spend money on taking a cab home, assuming im out and will get in trouble, and blatantly doubts that i am out there doing anything worthwhile.

she blames that on her account that i told her the seminar would be held in the afternoon, when it was supposed to start in the evening. why on earth would i tell her something and say another thing? to her its just because i want to spend time outside and have fun. but if i want to do that i would just tell her the truth in the first place, like i've been doing.

to my parents, everything that i do nowadays seems inadequate. maybe its because i don't get satisfactory grades. maybe its because in the past, i've not been optimizing my time. maybe its because they have the underlying assumption that i cannot be doing anything right these days.

just a few days ago, my father withdrew his support for me to go overseas and study. his reason? that i would just be wasting his money by going overseas. apparently, he believes its no longer worth it to fund an education in UK for us, because we will not be able to utilize the greater opportunity there, just because we are not on scholarship. just because we don't achieve the best grades, i am condemned to be a failure in this aspect, and destined to a life of slogging myself off in an office praying for a miracle to occur. that i need a miracle to succeed in a university. what i do not understand is, if in the first place you believe so strongly that i am such a low-IQ mediocre person who does not have what it takes to support the family in the future, why even bother to suggest studying overseas? why say in the first place, that you are willing to give me the opportunity to go expose myself to a foreign university? and now you are saying i cannot make it?

my mum says i do not spare a thought for them. if i don't, then why do i even care about what they feel and think? i believe that listening goes both ways. how can they expect to appreciate what i do when they do not even bother to listen to me in the first place? everything i say or do does not please you. everywhere i go, each person i go out with, i have to report to you. you don't even respect me for the small amount of privacy i require, or the small amount of trust i require to survive. if my parents don't even trust that what i am trying to do is meaningful, how can i be sure that what i do is right?

i am now at an all-time low in my life. i incur deficit in my expenses. i have increasing responsibilities at work. i am having relationship problems. my best friend decides to lie to me. i am having trouble trying to conceptualize what i want for my future. i am highly stressed most of the time, hence i have a deproving temper.

i am having difficulty trusting people nowadays. because of what happened recently, and what people tell me about a girl i know for 6+ years, i see different sides of the story and start to doubt human nature. my recruits tell me that being a tekong spec is a good life in NS because they can tekan people. my parents tell me that we cannot be trusted to give them a good future because we don't live up to THEIR expectations. i find it difficult to trust even myself now, when all the effort i put in the make things better, to be a good influence, to make my parents happy go the other way. how am i ever to trust that i can do things well anymore?

i am expected to save a ton of money, yet contribute greatly to the household expenditure. i am expected to be a grade A student. i am expected to be someone who spends time at home doing nothing but so that for the fact i DO spend time at home. i am expected to attend public speaking courses and take my driving license and do a million other things just so as to make them happy.

when have people ever listened to what i have to say, or choose to see what i do or what i am willing to do to make my life and my family's life better? they only choose to see what they want to see. they choose only to hear what they want to hear.

when have my parents ever tried to reason with me, or see things from my perspective? when have they ever sat me down and tried to get me to explain why i do things the way i do? when have they ever been concerned about my current state of well-being, apart from what they want to see?

they have never considered that i want to change my life. that i want to be a better person, that i want to be the person that will support them in their old age. when have they ever thought that all i want to do is to make them happy and make them proud? all they can say now, is that after my 20 years of age, i am a disappointment.

now, even i feel disappointed at myself. i really don't know where to carry on from now. if even my parents don't want to have faith in me, i can't see myself having faith in anything anymore. im just so lost.

2009-04-05T02:29:00.000-07:00

人群中哭着
我只想变成透明的颜色
我再也不会
梦或痛或心动了
我已经决定了
我已经决定了

我静静忍着
紧紧把昨天在拳心握着
而回忆越是甜
就是越伤人了
越是在手心留下
密密麻麻深深浅浅的刀割

我不是真正的快乐
我的笑只是
我穿的保护色
我决定不恨了
也决定不爱了
把我的灵魂
关在永远锁上的躯壳

这世界笑了
於是我合群的一起笑了
当生存是规则
不是我的选择
於是我含着眼泪
飘飘荡荡跌跌撞撞的走着

我不是真正的快乐
我的笑只是
我穿的保护色
我决定不恨了
也决定不爱了
把我的灵魂
关在永远锁上的躯壳

我不是真正的快乐
我的伤从不肯
完全的愈合
我站在你左侧
却像隔着银河
难道就真的抱着遗憾
一直到老了
然后才后悔着

我不是真正的快乐
我的笑只是
我穿的保护色
我决定不恨了
也决定不爱了
把我的灵魂
关在永远锁上的躯壳

我不是真正的快乐
我的伤从不肯
完全的愈合
我站在你左侧
却像隔着银河
难道就真的抱着遗憾
一直到老了

我值得真正的快乐
我应该脱下
我穿的保护色
为什麽失去了
还要被惩罚呢
能不能就让悲伤
全部结束在此刻
重新开始活着

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
我只想真正的快乐..

2009-04-01T18:48:00.000-07:00

ive been thinking hard.

it struck me that all the plans i had made about how i was gonna spend my time, my life in the army, all that has not come to happen. my lack of effort in that area has left me hanging for quite some time now.

i mean, i past my one year of service and i have not achieved anything i had set out to achieve.

this must stop man, seriously.

i have more self-control than this, i do.

start doing something, don't waste your time away.

2009-03-29T04:50:00.000-07:00

im overcome with humility.

leadership. there's more to it than meets the eye.

relationships. that matters a lot. how we make and maintain our relationships are crucial if we want to survive in society.

im gonna make the change. im gonna show that even the smallest individual can be the difference.

don't be the amplifier. be the person behind it.

and let your sincerity show.

2009-03-16T06:12:00.000-07:00

so fast eh.

they POP-ed already. hopefully things go well for them.

after POP we went to ST JAMES to PAR-TAY!

but in the end only left me, jeff and chicken rui stay until the end. so many people couldnt keep awake. oh well.

next day got call from dad. booked out immediately and there went my week.

must make more effort to spend time with my cousins.

and im astounded!

i was teasing ting ting about her not really being my type (she's very pretty by the way) and next thing i know she tells her mum that she's upset! hahaha.

oh dear, the girl should know i adore her. so if you're out there and reading this, please dont be upset, i was just teasing.

which guy wouldnt go for a beautiful girl, right? haha.

2009-03-07T05:35:00.000-08:00

its so fast. one batch of recruits over, just like that.

on march 11, 187 boys will become men.

its amazing how people, when forced into harsh circumstance, have remarkable learning capability. people, forced to adapt to changing situations, forced to react to unexpected things.

its amazing.

human tenacity is amazing.

the a level results were released yesterday.

to all who did well, congratulations and best wishes yea?

and to those who were unsatisfied, i guess there's not much to say.

after its over, when your cheeks are dry, think about the future.

the future holds such promise.. if only we are to reach out and take it.

2009-02-20T06:47:00.000-08:00

i finally went clubbing with alford! after all the trials and tribulations.. it was worth it. haha.

my first drink of the night : HOT AND STICKY.

don't get any wrong ideas though, it makes you damn high after. next came a whiskey dry, together with a drinking game. haha.

i got to know some new friends too! x)

alford came to stay over so as to save on cab fare. and we saw a frog eat a cockroach. LIVE ACTION!

and thursday was spent shopping for shoes and pool. haha.

long weekend this week, but i have to go back to work sunday evening. its earlier than normal, but necessary i guess. oh well.

looking forward to march! :)

2009-02-07T07:57:00.000-08:00

tomorrow playing bball again! like finally.

time for fieldcamp. packing packing packing.

sometimes you won't know you're in love till you get hurt by its thorns.

2009-01-20T06:17:00.000-08:00

im home! after like two weeks of confinement with my recruits!

im here for a measly nights off. oh wells.

all i can say is, these 2 weeks have been a real learning experience. i mean, getting a bunch of people to put their absolute faith in you and whatever you preach, thats something.

i guess once im home and catch up on people's blogs, i realize how isolated ive been.

i may have lost some old friends, but made new ones in the process.

and i feel sad, because as a person i strive not to lose or forsake any of my friendships.

oh wells.

this year will be better, i promise.

2009-01-01T05:23:00.000-08:00

its a new year already! so fast!

well, like what we always say, nothing lasts forever. apart from the tekan-ing and pumpings we do, this also includes the good stuffs. oh wells.

this year, i resolve:

- to be guided by my morals and intellect instead of my emotions
- to be swift and decisive in decision making
- to have in-depth thinking
- to forget the past burdens and sad things which happened, and move on
- to be a better friend
- to be a better brother
- to be a better son
- to be honest to myself as well as others

this year, i want:

- to save my money!
- to cook for the wushu juniors (if i can make it)
- to buy my laptop
- to apply for my overseas university
- to see less petty squabbles in the family
- my parents to be happy
- my friends to be happy
- WORLD PEACE! x)

thats a long list.

after typing them out, i realize that in order to achieve what i want for this 2009, much effort must be put in.

but i shall not give in. i look back at this year and see myself in OCS. how many times was it that i couldnt keep up during endurance runs? or my SOC? or just IPPT? i see my inherent weakness and that failure threatens to overwhelm me.

but, no more. this year shall be different. this year, i shall abolish all thoughts of letting go of what is important to me.

last night when dad was talking to our friends, i realized that i have no sense of priority. my long leave since a week before christmas was entirely spent slacking and rotting at home, or working out in the gym.

i have yet to decide on whether to pursue an overseas education, how i am going to save my money so that i can recover my losses.

and many other things.

what is important to me now, are my friends, my family, my education and my future.

with that in mind, i usher in the new year.

no more regrets, no more looking back. this time, i come home a winner.

2008-12-28T18:38:00.000-08:00

the year is finally coming to an end.

i think that over this new year, its time to start anew, and forget the past.

forget the ugly things we witnessed, the betrayals and backstabbing. the fights, the quarrels and the shoutings.

instead, lets remember the smiles, the warmth and the good things which made our past year meaningful.

it doesnt matter if i dont have many friends or a large social circle.

what's important is that i have those who are close to me and truly understand and appreciate me for who i am.

and i suppose that goes for everyone else.

i think that over this new year, i will learn to let go of those who have shown to be black inside and not true.

i think i am fortunate to have people like alford and pat and aaron who dont need to make their presence known, but are always there to support me.

and wil and kr and cw who are my constant source of joy and laughter.

teng, for her constant offerings of HTHTHT.. although the reasons are doubtful! HAHAHA.

yvonne, for being the 小妹妹 who always need people to look after, and nyukmin for being the one we can always poke fun at.

the aj wushu juniors, who spas until cannot spas.

jules, my boss, the sorrows we shared and all the nice treats i had.

yea, these are some of the people who make my life meaningful.

we may drift apart because we have different priorities, but people who mean alot to you will always be around when you need them.

2008-12-26T03:26:00.001-08:00

okay, havent done something like this in a while.

1. The person who tagged you is?

`wil

2. Your relationship with him/her?

`brother

3. Your 5 impressions of him/her?

`hopeless at love
`act seh buay seh
`sometimes kao peh
`QUITE smart
`good bro (:

4. The most memorable thing he/she had done for you?

`listened to my problems and shared his feelings. we emo-ed together for quite a while.

5. The most memorable thing he/she said to you?

`ta ma de.

6. If he/she becomes your lover, he/she has to improve on?

`looks.

7. If he/she becomes your enemy, you will?

`杀无赦!

8. What is it you want to tell him/her now?

`merry christmas?

9. Your overall impression of him/her is?

`a good bro who stands by his own

10. How do you think people around you feel about you?

`im not really sure, why don't you ask those who know me well?

11. Which part of your character do you love about yourself?

`sensitivity to others' feelings (got me out of trouble many times)
`determination
`friendly

12. On the contrary, which part of your character do you hate about yourself?

`too trusting, especially to people close to me.

13. The most ideal person you want to be?

`i like myself the way i am.

14. For people who care for you and like you, say something to them.

`you people will always be in my heart. (:

15. Pass on this quiz!

`alford
`jules
`clarissa
`joanne
`wanching

2008-12-26T03:21:00.000-08:00

best wishes for the holidays people!

this year's christmas celebration with the aj wushu people was just.. so aj wushu.

first, we were all LATE. and, we are all BLUR. can walk one round in the cathay and dont see each other.

but most importantly, we had lots of FUN! dinner at billy bombers, movie at cineleisure, ktv at partyworld!

not forgetting weaving through the crowd of crazy foam spraying people in orchard road. hahaha.

i only reached home at 7 am on christmas. and mum had to wake me at 11. oh wells.

it was great seeing the aj wushu family on christmas. (:

brings back alot of memories.

what happened on the morning of christmas eve..

2008-12-21T06:02:00.001-08:00

okay, here's a weird thing that happened to me a few days back.

i met this stranger on the street near my house. she was a middle aged lady who, from afar, looked alike one of my neighbours. so i did the instinctive thing and gave a wave and said "hi".

and that lady didn't look at me in a funny way, or dismiss my greeting or think i was crazy, but rather she paused for a moment, smiled and waved back.

"hey", she said.

funny huh? many a time we shun people just because we don't know them well. we stereotype and classify people all day long.

we judge by looks. that's how the world seems to work nowadays.

anyway, i got posted back to tekong. hopefully i can take the CPC course in january.

i decided to cut back on my social life. going out too often is time consuming and money burning. what's more, i gotta stay home more often and help out with the housework, since we no longer hire a maid.

staying at home may be boring, but at least its protection from the poisons of the outside world.

reality is like a thorny rose. it may be good to look at, but if you're not careful, you'll get pricked.

2008-12-16T03:58:00.001-08:00

i don't wanna spend the new year alone leh.

solitude is ice-cold.

2008-12-12T22:37:00.000-08:00

its been a whole year since i forsake my pink IC and took the green 11B. a year since i donned the green camouflage uniform and declared that i would give my life for this country.

a year since i experienced first hand how to handle a weapon, deal with fellow soldiers and survive cookhouse food.

a year since ive braved the jungle and long marches.

yes, this year has been a whirlwind of things just waiting to happen.

ive completed BMT in Mohawk COY. spent 2 weeks of block leave with a couple of my bestest friends, only to regret it later. ive walked hand in hand with someone special. i grew out of my rounded haircut.

i got posted to OCS. my hair grew longer. i made it through ST, amid all my doubts and fears. ive conquered the jungles in Brunei. ive lost 8 kg in the process. i got it back. i went through the harsh conditions in Taiwan. i got lost, and found my way. i came back, only to find ive lost something else. i had a goal to accomplish. i failed.

i had my rank taken away. my prospects are now gone. the dreams i once shared with 2 people in a bunk, sitting there and discussing on how we would live our 2 years, shattered.

after today, everything will be different.

i wonder what the next year is going to offer me?

i wonder if its just not meant to be.

2008-12-08T01:59:00.000-08:00

i hate it when you fight.

its damn bloody ridiculous when squabbles can lead to cold wars that lasts for days.

have you guys ever thought of how me, brendan and sabrina feel?

and asking me to take a side? wtf.

relationships are meant to encompass give and take. where's all the giving?

and as if i don't have my own problems to deal with.

yeah, thanks alot.

im starting to understand my nightmares.

2008-12-06T06:30:00.000-08:00

the past few days has been good. no thinking, no commitment. just pure, focused fun.

i took off on friday, considering that i reached home at 0430 in the morning because of sentry duty on thursday. met alford for pool in the afternoon, walked and shopped for boss' present and went to have chicken rice for dinner.

spent time writing our "essays" and has a glass of vodka each. RA3 and xbox. we called it quits at 0200 and decided that sleep was a better way of killing time.

got up groaning at 0600, and left for the airport at 0620.

on our way there, alford asked me, "eh wad terminal is the flight ah?"

"erm, she said tentatively T3."
"tentatively, meaning may not be lah."
"eh yea. maybe luh."

so we arrived there and stared at the arrivals screens. ALL 3 terminals had flights coming from Perth. luckily we deduced it was T2 and so we waited.

fun-sized boss arrived back in SG! like finally lah. now i can get my pay and Icekimo. hahaha.

tonight i went for a BBQ with jon. it was a church thing, but since he had already paid for me, so just go lo. it turned out i met 3 people i knew there! what a small world eh.

had fun meeting new people and just crapping and complaining about NS, uni and stuff.

oh wells. there goes another week.

the things that you do, the things that you say. regret, disappointment, penance.

2008-11-28T04:29:00.000-08:00

okay, today marks the end of my first week of my 8 to 5 job.

SLACK. literally do nth in the office. the most productive thing i did thus far was to set up that bloody christmas tree with outdated lights and dusty ornaments.

ive been staying at yck this whole week. i have free transport to camp and back, meals paid for (mostly) and absolute FREEDOM.

why? 'cos my whole family is in korea and won't be back till monday morning.

hopefully things proceed well from here. i now have hopes and aspirations that the sign i have interpreted was done correctly, and things sail smooth from now on.

how?? now i don't know if i should stay in NTU or just change to NUS. haiz. life-changing decision leh.

yesterday after work i went down to Fish and Co' at the Glasshouse to celebrate wanching's and kangrui's (belated) birthday. seeing the juniors and crapping with them really made my day. i realize how much i miss the AJ wushu family and the spirit we share. the spirit called spasness.

even the dinner was spastic! the staff of Fish and Co' helped us celebrate by their traditional cheer and happy birthday song. oh yeah, with the birthday kids standing on their chairs and waving sparklers. hahaha.

so yeah, this week, rather uneventful, boring. ciao for now~

where were the days when i looked forward to my weekends? looked forward to spending time with special people? now my weekdays feel like weekends.

2008-11-23T03:49:00.000-08:00

its amazing how things can change in the blink of an eye.

how your surroundings can warp and shift and transform into something you can't recognize.

it wasn't too long ago i was sure of my future and the direction i would take in life. i thought i had it sorted out -- my plans for the future.

i thought i would shine and do my family proud. i thought i would excel and overcome the challenges ahead of me. i thought i would earn the happiness i thought, and other people thought, i deserved.

but no. life has to play its upper hand.

and now my life is upside down and so not the way i wanted it to be.

i guess i should be depressed, and i should be down.

but i won't spend a day crying. i won't sob on someone's shoulder.

what i can do is make the best of what i can, and work on from there. sure, things may be uncertain, things may not be at its best. but i can do what i can to ensure that my life is under my own control.

people who have crossed me in a way or another. there's one thing in me that hasn't changed. that forgiveness is hard to earn. that trust is hard to keep.

i don't know who to trust anymore.

2008-11-16T01:36:00.000-08:00

this weekend has been good. (:

i booked out on friday night and came home to play RA3.

woke up early on saturday morning to go run with boon at his place. we ran like almost 10 clicks! shagness. but it was satisfying, even though he tekaned me by making us run the slopes. but its all in the name of training hard! hahaha.

we also did static training at the PT corner below his block. afterwhich we went to makan breakfast at macs. sinful! but indulging. haha like the morning wasted.

at night went to have drinks with clar and aaron at odeon towers the Loof. met some nice people there. and i was insanely happy. xD

reached home and ate cup noodles. sinful again, but heck i needed my nourishment. haha.

i got my E51! goodbye to the W950i. and good riddance.

boss is coming home soon! cant wait to see her again.

one more week.

2008-11-02T19:55:00.001-08:00

im bored so i did this. saw it on zhutou's blog.

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

LOL?

2008-11-02T06:38:00.000-08:00

tomorrow im taking off my braces! im damn excited since they have been on me for god knows how long.

yesterday the wushu team met up for dinner. we ate at breeks cafe in taka. it was a really long time since we met up, especially with the girls.

everyone has been busy lately, the girls in uni and the guys also in uni (uniform). the girls killing their brain cells while the guys learning how to kill. hahaha.

oh wells. so we practically sat there for 3 and a half hours talking crap and catching up with the latest scandals and such. it felt just like back in the jc days when we spent time bonding with each other.

yea, i miss those bonding sessions. i still remember those days when we spent trying to study but ended up talking, bballing, slacking, eating and such.

i think all of us miss those days. when we went our separate ways you could feel the feelings of not wanting to leave. esp for me, wil and kangrui.

haiz, wish i could just go back to the past.

i survived the night. well done, daryl.

2008-10-28T11:51:00.000-07:00

wowa.

what a day.

went to visit zichun at his place in amk. glad to see he's recovering fine and well. lucky man, doesn't need to book in for god knows how long.

we played bball at his place. i played a few matches, and left for YCK station.

i gave my gift to the person i missed most while i was away.

and i was sad.

i went back to the place i missed most since i enlisted. i saw the team which made my jc life fufilling, only they were two years younger. i saw the camaderie, the spirit and the binding strength of friendship.

and i was sad.

i went back to zichun's place only to find they weren't playing anymore.

and i was sad.

we had dinner at some hawker centre which burned my wallet.

and i was sad.

i lost to boon at NBA street.

and i was sad. (okay, not that sad. don't think im a sore loser, im just sad.)

i heard the very thing which i was expecting since i came back from Brunei.

and i was sad.

i recall that i have to book in later at 2130.

and im sad.

i think about dec and the commissioning, and everything that is attributed to it.

and im sad.

i think back about what happened this year, the ups and downs and the people who were a part of my life.

and im sad.

i think about my grand dad who's in hospital.

and im sad.

i think about how deja vu this whole damn thing is. and how ironic that he happens to be the very person i'd least expect (at least in the past) to do this to me.

and im depressed.

i think about where this is going and i see no future, and hell yeah.

im depressed.

now i think about how people don't laugh at my jokes.

im depressed.

i think about how superficial i might have been, and how others might be.

im depressed.

i think about how concern and self-consciousness can lead to resentment and sadness.

i get more depressed.

i think about saturday and the fact that he's going, and i have no idea how to look him in the eye.

i get more depressed.

i realise that there's no one to blame but myself.

i hate myself.

i regret, no i resent myself and my role in this little farce called my life which plays out to be some greek tragedy. but hell, the show must go on.

i realise that i should not be writing these stuff in here, that they're supposed to be feelings and thoughts which i normally lock up within me. but what the heck. im done with writing in a book with empty, blank white pages which im supposed to fill up.

heck. like boss said, wearing a mask to survive.

so i guess this is probably the only true confession of how really feel inside. otherwise, i would be feigning ignorance and pulling a false front of stability. this shall be my only crack, the only fault line -- the only sign of weakness i will show.

do not ask me if i am alright. if i need any help. if i need to talk to someone. that's driving the wedge into the crack.

who you see on the outside is who you get. trust me, you wouldn't want to know the real me. cos that person is nothing but a whirlwind of emotional conflict and confusion he doesn't even know whats real and whats not.

thats my disclaimer to you people out there.

i guess its time for me to leave the picture.

curtain closes on a stage with an empty audience.

2008-10-27T08:11:00.001-07:00

im back from ROC!

a whirlwind of 21 days filled with emotion, exhaustion and whatsoever.

i shall not talk about my experiences in taiwan here, so if you wanna know what i did there then ask me personally yea.

im finally 19! and i wanna thank all the people who wished me a happy happy birthday when i was in taiwan. you people make me special. x)

i guess my taiwan trip has not been exactly fruitful. the task which i set out to accomplish in isolation was not achieved. writing my feelings in that journal i brought did not really help. rather, it reminded me of the pain which im experiencing.

oh wells. you can't have everything in your life.

i must admit, i am quite disappointed.

i miss you.

2008-10-06T02:30:00.000-07:00

okay, my last post before i MIA to taiwan for another 21 days.

today i spent largely at home, except for going out to eastpoint to change my currency and buy my stationery.

was supposed to go out today, but mum asked me to stay at home and rest. im a good boy, so i did.
*sighs*

it feels so surreal that im leaving again. leaving everything behind. home, and all that it encompasses.

i think my iPod is against me, playing all the kind of songs im seriously not in the mood to hear.

im leaving again. this time, i feel even more urges not to.

but then again, even if i stay, what is there for me here?

i have nothing here, and nothing there, nothing which makes me wanna go or stay. im stuck in limbo. feels like i have no place to go anymore.

even town seems like nothing nowadays. going there and walking past and into the shops which im used to being dragged into only makes me an intense sense of longing.

all those memories, all those happy memories; i thought i had. now seem lost and gone, like the fishing line which snapped under too much tension. its like the fish which just nibbled the bait off the hook, leaving the fisherman wondering what he did wrong.

clever fish.

as im typing this im reminded of that time in junior college, when me, wilson and kr would just stone and emo and ponder about this aspect of our lives. why things happen this way, why is love just so unfair.

people dont seem to love each other; superficiality and falseness seem prevalent. who is sincere, and who isn't?

how many people really want to change? or do they say things for the sake of immediate gains.

who actually cares? about you, as a friend, a lover, a husband or wife? or are those expressions of concern devoid of emotion and purity?

all these questions, so many answers.

if i were to write my own story, would these be a part of it? its amazing to see how some writers are able to portray life as so wonderfully perfect.

i recall telling a dear friend about reality, and how to accept it.

i think i forgot to mention that reality is also devoid of compassion. compassion, sincerity and love -- these are the rarities in life which one only finds in the purest of hearts.

what will be different in 21 days?

will the economy have collapsed and we find ourselves on the precipice of the next financial crisis? will the climate have deteriorated so bad people wear face masks to work?

will the development at marina bay progressed so fast the horizon is blocked by buildings and skyscrapers? i spent the time outside the esplanade not studying the construction, but rather what's left of the horizon.

will the people have changed too? maybe my brother can run faster than me by the time im back. maybe couples who are together now would have broken apart. those who are friends today may not be by the time im back.

as i told alford yesterday, my life is in a constant state of flux. it changes constantly, and it hurts just to keep up.

but i told jules that day too, that im gonna be indifferent by the time she comes back. indifferent as compared to the time that i spent in junior college. im going to be the one to inspire and bring joy to others, even at my own expense.

its a good trade-off then. i think so. how else can i possibly survive? im happy when you're happy. and thats enough for me.

okay enough ranting. im gonna go get ready. i suppose im more or less prepared to face the people sending their friends and families off at the airport. that need for that warmth, the final hug and well wishes. things that i probably wont get.

but its okay. i suppose its asking too much of life to have all the good things. so i shall be content with what i have, with what i had, with who i am.

take care, people. take care, you.

i guess i won't be here for you now. but you'll be fine. you always were, even when i wasn't there.

the survivors creed: "for one to survive, one must die.."

2008-10-05T06:11:00.000-07:00

today is a good day.

its not everyday that i get to meet up with my two bros, alford and patrick. the reminiscing of our times in jc and all the crazy stuff we did.

we met up at orchard, and we were appalled by the weather. it was pouring outside. reminded me of brunei. so we decided to walk around wisma and taka until the weather died down. but we couldn't find anything to do so pat decided to go pass his mum a pair of specs. we made our way to Forum, which included a 50m dash in the rain. haha.

we were soaked and practically froze in Borders. i think im gonna fall sick again. we had lunch at Modestos. haha not a bad place for a date! hahaha.

we went back to taka to sit at coffee bean. and we talk cock. talk about everything sia. eh actually, mainly about girls lah.

cos of patrick! haha. oh well. dont worry my man, when we're back from taiwan we shall put our plans into motion. hahaha.

man, it was just great chilling with my bros in town. it was just like studying in school or amk library -- without the studying! haha.

had dinner with my parents at the Fuurin at Laguna. my dad ordered alot today, so i ate alot today. and the sake was exquiste. haha.

it just feels great spending time with my friends and family. it simply makes me really happy.

i came home last night and my dad asked me why i was smiling and why i was so happy. i guess my friends are really my distraction from all my work and stress. thats why my friends are so important to me. especially those who really understand and care about me. they play key roles in my life; they are like my foundation stones.

can't imagine living without them.

can't imagine living without you.

2008-10-03T08:36:00.000-07:00

i was just reading through the previous posts i had since i started this blog. i realize this blog is full of rantings. all my sorrow, happiness and anger poured into this page.

and i see myself. how is daryl different from the person he was 2 years ago?

and i guess the answer is: nothing.

im still the same old person i was. what is different then?

my environment. i now live in surroundings which demand self-sufficiency and independence, much unlike the past where i could always rely on friends and family. emotionally i had my friends there to lend a shoulder or share their warmth when i needed them.

now, in the army, emotions are invalid. they are irrelevant, as long as you make a moral and rational decision. i guess thats why i seem so distant and withdrawn. why i seem so serious all the time and no longer possess that "fun factor" in me.

but i think im no different, just that probably im lacking in the proper stimuli to bring out those aspects of me. all the crazy things i did and silly things i say to make people smile, they're still in me.

deep down inside, beneath all these layers, im still the big softie i was. and i will always be.

im trying hard to find back the person i was. to be honest, id prefer him because life seems so much more fun with him. the current me doesnt have a particularly enjoyable life because the foundations of that life are crumbling.

and so here i am. a bricklayer of my own; im trying to build back who i was. and slowly but surely ill finish building my house, for my own persona.

i dont wanna lose anyone else.

2008-10-03T07:04:00.000-07:00

i think i know.

at least, i thought i did. i thought i knew what i was doing, that i was in control.

now i realize, im merely another character in a twisted play to see how i revolve around other people.

i know that you're complaining behind my back.

the things which i do, the things which i say. always seem to be the wrong things -- adverse reactions seem to surround me.

im losing my confidence and myself.

i just wish you would turn around and wait for me to catch up.

i miss the old days. i miss the old you.

2008-09-30T08:58:00.000-07:00

ive been away too long, and too long for my own good.

time can do many things to a man. every minute you waste in your life is irreplaceable. the things you could have done, the time you could have wisely spent.

each time i leave my life behind, i feel as though im torn from it; my absence is an empty part of me. a hole which i cannot replace.

each time i come back i see things are different. the landscape, the places, the people. and people change faster than the technology in our 21st century. not that change is bad, (and im not saying its fantastic either) but the fact that im not there to witness it makes me feel uneasy.

i hate being left out; being the loner in the group. im someone who cannot survive without others. my interdependency becomes my strength as well as my weakness. and i suppose not many people can understand that.

i suppose im incomprehensible in that sense. how could other people possibly understand what im going through? they dont feel as i do, they dont experience things as i do, and they dont see the changes that i do. so when other people see differences in me, they are uncomfortable because they dont understand me.

and that, makes me a really lonely person in this world.

im there to take the stress as a leader, as someone who is expected to perform above others, someone who sees the bigger picture in everything he does.

FACT: i cant really handle the stress, as a matter of fact i think im gonna crack soon. im not exceptional, as a matter of fact i suck big time. and how the heck do you see the bigger picture and be optimistic about it when all you perceive is that you dont fit in?

the truth hurts. reality stings. those are facts of life i have come to accept.

now that i dont have wushu in my life, im slacking in a venting point for me to vent all my frustration into. sometimes i feel like im a 1.5 litre bottle of pepsi which is roughly shaken and fizzing at the cap. and because im supposed to maintain a certain image of myself, and to uphold the name of my school, my country and my service, i have to superglue that cap on the bottle.

i just wanna progess on and transition into the next part of my life. cos this part really sucks.

things always happen for a reason, dont they? and the reason is you.

2008-09-20T10:47:00.000-07:00

im gonna dedicate this post to people. not just the people who are constantly there with me and by my side, but also the people who aren't. the strangers who pass by me on the street. the people on the buses and trains. but most importantly, to the people who reside in my heart, now and always.

"Lord, protect our doubts, because Doubt is a way of praying.It is Doubt that makes us grow because it forces us to look fearlessly at the many answers to one question. And in order for this to be possible...

Lord, protect our decisions, because making Decisions is a way of praying. Give us the courage, after our doubts, to be able to choose between one road and another. May our YES always be a YES, and our NO always be a NO. Once we have chosen our road, may we never look back nor allow our soul to be eaten away by remorse. And in order for this to be possible...

Lord, protect our actions, because Action is a way of praying. May our daily bread be the result of the very best that we carry within us. May we, through work and action, share a little of the love we receive. And in order for this to be possible...

Lord, protect our dreams, because to Dream is a way of praying. Make sure that, regardless of our age or circumstances, we are capable of keeping alight in our heart the sacred flame of hope and perseverance. And in order for this to be possible...

Lord, give us enthusiasm, because Enthusiasm is a way of praying. It is what binds us to the Heavens and to Earth, to grownups and to children; it is what tells us that our desires are important and deserve our best efforts. It is Enthusiasm that reaffirms to us that everything is possible, as long as we are totally committed to what we are doing. And in order for this to be possible...

Lord, protect us, because Life is the only way we have of making manifest Your miracle. May the earth continue to transform seeds into wheat, may we continue to transmute wheat into bread. And this is only possible if we have Love; therefore, do not leave us in solitude. Always give us Your company, and the company of men and women who have doubts, who act and dream and have enthusiasm, and who live each day as if it were totally dedicated to Your glory.

Amen."
-- Paulo Coelho, Like the Flowing River

This is a prayer by the above-mentioned author in his book, Like the Flowing River. I may not be religious, but the things i drew from it touched my heart. and i hope that it would do the same for my friends and give them inspiration and the courage to carry on and to dream and to be happy for who they are, whether they be Christians or not.

2008-09-06T09:35:00.000-07:00

haiz. off days finish so fast. oh wells. im booking in tomorrow early cos of my RCP. clear this last 10 days and im home free. another weekend gonna be burned.

today went JB with kor kor and his friend. oh man, we ate and shopped and ate and shopped. no end to eating. i think i gained weight today! haha.

my bads to my bros alford and wil, paiseh about the last minute changes. we'll go out and chill next time yea?

i hope my bro is doing fine in taiwan, not getting chao tah or freezing to death at night. brr.

nothing much to say also lah, cos i wont be blogging for another 2 weeks so might as well put something here.

confine jiu confine ba, after all im hardly missed in the outside world.

2008-09-05T09:23:00.000-07:00

i woke up late today. was supposed to go running with my bro, but in the end i got up an hour and a half later than expected. oh wells.

wasted the morning away. but i did pack my table. sort of.

before i left my place i went downstairs and saw my sister's friend at our place. she's actually my neighbor, but the last time i remember seeing her up close was a couple of years back. that had me thinking, that time really flies. it seems just yesterday that i was young and 17. haha. yea, like she said, im a 19 year old in a 17 year old body. x)

so clar and i went to taka and saw mooncakes! omg so tempting. especially the chocolate and champagne truffles. argh. and in the end i forgot to buy lah. wlao eh. wasted sia. nvm, when i come out next i shall go splurge on it. hahaha. and we had lunch at crystal jade. NOT filling, but i suppose it was okay. haha. the silver fish was nice. x)

we went around town, got my iPod charger, and headed back to amk. spent some time doing my peer appraisals there, and went back to town to meet aaron for dinner.

we ate at changing appetites, on aaron! hahaha. so they ordered 2 main courses, and i ate whatever they couldnt. omg, i love having a large appetite. haha. love the mudpie. yum yum! (:

we walked around esplanade and marina bay, emo-ed for a while and finally back to raffles, where we went home. oh wells. all good things come to an end.

my sandfly bites are killing me! damn itchy. and now i scratch until they bleed le. anyone got any good remedy? please save me. x(

is it me wanting too much? or am i just not getting enough.
im not a person to be easily satisfied; not someone who accepts the status quo.
for the first time in my life, i feel insufficient and lacking.
what is it with me?

2008-09-03T23:08:00.000-07:00

im finally back from Brunei! damn it feels good to be home.

i wont say much now, cos i cant really talk about my training there. if u wanna know come ask me personally haha.

its been a tough and rough 21 days i guess.

but i think now that im home, ive learned to appreciate the things that i have around me more. food, people, warmth, shelter. these are things that were lacking in my experience.

i guess i wont read up on blogs to catch up with time. this 21 days has been a good chance for me to disappear and think about my life and its perspectives. so the world should go on and i should forsake that chance to be updated in life. after all, i am now a caveman emerging from my hibernation. xD

2008-08-15T06:19:00.000-07:00

this is it.

i was supposed to leave at 0030 hrs today, but thanks to 2LT sum, i was able to delay my flight to Brunei and leave tomorrow so i could attend grandma's cremation. i guess i owe this largely to 2LT sum, wing comd and cpl ahmad. thanks alot, me and my family are eternally grateful.

i guess i lost restraint as i was sending grandma off. it was like a safety valve in me just opened and all the feelings poured out like sand in a bottle. i cried harder than anyone else today. funny thing ain't it? i guess in the end, letting her go wasnt that easy.

i spent some time with clarissa after everything was over. we didnt have crazy fun like before, this time was more quiet and peaceful. apart from the occasional scolding and pinching, yeah. it was good, spending time with the people important to you.

i was a good boy and listened, spent dinner with my parents. okay, that made me sound so unfillial. oops.

haha. im sorry i last minute pangseh zhenen and wanching to see nationals.. but my family more important ya. next time we go out and have fun lah.

yea. so now last minute blogging before i go off. ill be away 21 days people! so miss me yea.

ill see ya when i see ya.

i can wait forever.

2008-08-13T09:36:00.000-07:00

okay. i finally get a chance to use this thing.

sorry if i have not had the chance to update this blog. im currently on 21 day RCP which means i cant go home yeah. this is a special case, ill elaborate later.

yeah RCP stands for Restriction of Cadet Privileges. confinement plus what it says lah. so technically i cant go home for 3 weeks. but heres the catch -- the RCP does not carry on while im training in Brunei, meaning my punishment will last me till 15 sept. zzz.

okay, yeah i fucked up big time. i misfired and was charged for negligent discharge. wtf.

im leaving for Brunei tomorrow midnight, so i guess its goodbye people. i wont be seeing you for 21 days, and probably more due to my RCP. so take care, if i dont see ya again, well you know where i last was.

the past 2 weeks have been confusing. ive been getting mixed readings from everything, so much so i cant think straight. this 21 days away from singapore, i hope, will give me some time to sort myself out. and maybe ill come back a changed person.

of all things to happen now, grandma just passed away. cancer relapse attacked her liver. i wont say much, just that i miss her alot. yeah.

thats me, just plain heartless.

2008-07-20T01:21:00.000-07:00

its been a while.

this weekend is the first in 3 weeks i get the full 48 hours package. its also one of the most screwed up and emotional ones.

everything doesnt seem to work out well for me, especially when i look forward to it. things have their own ways of going screwy and turning against you.

when i parted ways with wil, kr, nyukmin, cs and von, my heart was especially heavy. we are like family, and all of us are going are own ways. there are those who have already left us, disappeared without a trace and gone from our lives. and slowly but surely that group of people is gonna increase in numbers.

where were the days so carefree and irresponsible? those days where we looked forward to each others' company and shelter from the harsh and cruel reality of the world?

i look forward to each bookout only to dread it when it happens. things which happen too quickly are unwanted 'cos they finish so fast you cant savour it. things happen too slowly and you dread it 'cos its too dull and you wanna move on.

things which dont happen usually do, and things you want to see happening just dont.

things which you hope for tend to get dashed away in the rain of disappointment. things which you avoid come at you head-on like a runaway truck.

life goes all out against you.

it makes you want to live for the moment but regret living at all.

2008-06-28T23:53:00.000-07:00

okay. i just learned that ill be confined again. there goes my next weekend. jeez.

anyway, this block leave seemed quite short.

after our route march lasting from tuesday - wednesday, i had my social night function. thanks to cuishan for being my partner that night! xD

went out after social night for late night movie. we caught Zohan at cine, then ate at Gloria Jeans. slept at 4, woke at 8 by my mum. she cleverly decided to let the dog do the work and wake me up. some thanks.

thursday, went shopping with mum.

friday, went out with AJ wushu juniors. pool, lunch, movie, pool. yeah. bonding sessions my fav. x)

saturday with kr, wil and gang. went army market, then caught Wanted on the big screen. i should try the bend bullet thing someday, with my SAR21. haha. arcade. lost terribly to olk at Ghost Squad. he is tmd pro.

today. bball in the morn at fragrant wood. not bad, i still retained my touch. haha. wil and olk on fire. cabbed home (omg) to rush home for lunch. now im stoning here writing about my week cos there's absolutely nth else to do.

somebody save me.

2008-06-28T23:37:00.000-07:00

haiz. block leave over so fast. time really flies when you're having fun. just thinking about booking in tonight makes me feel so sian.

i guess army really deprives you of the outside world. we are an isolated species, cut off from our peers and friends and family, not knowing what happens or how the world changes.

inside the army we do not experience compassion for our weaknesses, but rather the consistent pressure to overcome it. inside the army we do not experience the joy of external comprehension, but rather the fruits of experience. inside the army, we truly do not have the comfort of close friends and listening ears, the solace of a loved one, nor the warmth of another heart.

an isolated species.

we are not given opportunities to expand our knowledge of the world, but rather of methods to effectively disable our opponents. we are not given much opportunities to express our vanity and image, but rather learn how to apply camo cream properly.

inside the army, i spend more time thinking about what to do with my life than actually doing it. wtf.

and when im out, i realise that i cant really do anything about it, and that doesnt improve my mood alot.

when we're out, we see people earning a decent pay, learning to drive, attending uni camps, getting a girlfriend(s), moving on with their life. where's the silver lining, i say?

i wonder how some people make it work; get things moving when i cant seem to, these people make it look easy. some people are able to overcome impossible odds, and whether by luck or simply prodigious skill, make their lives better.

oh i give up ranting. wth this happens every book in.

2008-06-25T12:37:00.000-07:00

service term is finally over!

we finished it off with our gruelling 24km route march to Elephant hill, where we had our senior bar presentation. this route march was my longest ever, topping the 16km i did in BMT. all in all, i think we clocked maybe approximately 30km in this march. so this is a new achievement for me. haha.

and we are finally pro term cadets! for me, staying in infantry is gonna be tough, so i better get my ass moving and begin some serious training.

social night! highlight of the day.

we booked out at around 1530, chiong-ed home. i rushed to shower and change up and eat something before i left (since i missed breakfast AND lunch), then called my cab to pick cuishan up.

arrived EARLY, so decided to bring her around the campus for a small guided tour of SAFTI MI. x) oh yeah, she wore the necklace i bought, so i was quite happy. hahaha.

social night event was okay lah, not too good organization and planning. but good effort! try harder next time neh.

we exchanged contacts and took photos, especially with those going to support arms. we introduced our dates to the commanders and fellow cadets. thanks to PC for malu-ing me ah.

wasnt feeling tired after social night, so me and cuishan went down to town and watched You Don't Mess With The Zohan. haha. lame show, crude humour. but funny nonetheless. and the female lead is quite chio! haha.

cuishan was feeling hungry after the movie, so we decided to go find something to eat. the kopitiam across the road didnt have dessert, and NYDC was closed by then, so we settled for sharing a blueberry cheesecake at Gloria's.

sent her home by cab, came home myself. damn, taxi fare damn ex. total spent $80 on taxi fare alone today. zzz.

hmm..
anything can happen..

2008-06-21T03:38:00.000-07:00

im back from confinement!

two weeks due to fieldcamp, another week of guard duty. woah.

and service term ends next wednesday.

posted to infantry. nbcb.

aiya. nth much to say. wad else is there to talk about nowadays.

cheerio.

2008-06-08T01:22:00.000-07:00

...and how about roads that don't yawn
amongst sleepy homes or roots that don't
cry with the tragic rain or hills that don't
dip into mellow smiles?

how about stars that don't blink away the
tears of night or seas that don't breathe
a satisfied moan or a sun that doesn't
beat with a cosmic love?

but how about a mouth with no stutter
or legs with no tremor
or hands without another?

2008-06-08T01:08:00.000-07:00

going in soon..

GG le lah. i never do my MOI work, never settle things properly this week.

spent so much money im back to square one. wtf am i doing man.

i keep going off track. wdh? so much for trying my best.

i end this week with so many regrets. im going outfield with so many worries. im leaving with a heavy heart.

burdened and alone.

too many problems, no solutions.

haha, and people said i should get a girlfriend. geez.

if only my physical endurance could be ask strong as my emotional endurance.

2008-06-06T08:57:00.000-07:00

i talked to jonathan today about my problem.

and i guess what he said to me made a lot of sense. i guess thats all that i have left. change, or bear and grit it.

so i guess thats what ill do. i shall live up to their expectations of me, and my own expectations of myself. ill be what i can be, who i truly am, not for others' sake but rather my own sanity and happiness.

and ill stay strong.

thanks nyukmin for being one of the few people who actually bothered to ask and show concern about my problems. these are the people whom you know will stand for you in the rain and support you all the way.

have faith, stay strong.

raise or lower standards? what he said makes sense.

2008-06-05T11:46:00.000-07:00

everyone is turning their backs on me. just turning, and leaving.

ignorance seems to be a common trend in people around me now. its okay. i think i can take just that bit more of ignoring and invisibility.

utility is the power word of today. make use of people, cast them aside, move on. and guess what, the list of people i can use is endless, since im so goddamn friendly.

is that what friends are about? let alone people close to you.

to me, friends are people who would take your burden and share your load. its these people who make your day seemingly easier. they take your mind off things. they ease the pain. they dont complain.

have i ever complained? have i ever made noise? im here to share your pain.

why do people need appreciation? according to Mazlow's hierarchy of needs, affliation ranks third. affirmation and appreciation gives people self-esteem. self-esteem gives people confidence.

confidence goes two ways. it takes the bearer to know what he/she is doing. it also takes the people around him/her to recognize that and appreciate it. thats what friends are for.

but i guess when people are too caught up in their own world they dont realise that there are other people out there to support them. instead of believing in those people as well as themselves, some would rather choose to lock themselves up in their tiny fortress and choose to ignore the people on the other side. everyone lives in seclusion.

yeah, let the whole world beyond those walls rot. they dont mean anything.

i have given so much, only to get back so little. and yet i am content. i have shared so much hard times and rough waters, only to feel double the pinch 'cos it has a different affect on my psyche. i have been through so much with my friends. and this is who i am, now and forever, to always be the one tanking through all the pain and suffering. face it. i am here to stay, like it or not. have it your way.

i have never been so hurt, one after another, in my life.
its all right if im unappreciated. its alright if im being used.
y'know what? i think its all right if i just disappear without a trace someday.
cos maybe then people will understand what bonds and peers and friends truly are. takes one death to educate a million, right?
take me as example. spare the 999,999 poor souls who dont know what they're missing.
let them live w/o suffering and be content with their solitude and walls of grey.
let those who truly care feel the real pain. not because they're overly emphatetic, but rather because no one truly cares.

2008-05-31T08:42:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wish i have a machine that could turn back time. the old times were still the best.

today i went out with my bros alford and pat. i met alford early, at about 11 at bugis. we went walking around and window shopping, looking for nice shoes and shirts. haha. and we saw this nice shirt at G2000! haha. maybe ill consider it when i go out with jon next week. he more on to buy lah, not like ford. hahaha.

so we bumped into dania while we were walking around. she was all alone and so SAD so we decided to keep her company for a while lah. i think she was surprised to see us lah. haha. out of the blue and random. but i could tell she missed us. xD

oh yeah and chao ah lian had this friend who she swears is chinese. but me and ford agreed that if we didnt know it before hand we would have mistaken her for malay. haha.

so dania and said friend left at about 1330, so me and alford decided to continue waiting for pat at starbucks. and my man arrived about 1500. oh yeah, both of them were wearing the caps i bought for them in the states! haha. coincidence eh.

so we caught narnia at 1550. long show man. but it wasnt bad, not fantastic either. haha. i gotta admit, you have to know your story well to understand what was going on.

we went our separate ways not long after the show, since we had appointments after. so i went home for my dinner, and i spent the rest of the night doing my assignment. and i went for a run. i managed to surprise myself by maintaining 3km in 15 minutes. haha.

i find that when im with people like my bros, i tend to forget all my problems and just fade away into the bliss i experience when im around them. its the kind of feeling used to get, when we spent our days together and made our own spaces in each others' lives.

i guess there are many things i would wanna change if i could go back in time. i would make a 1st stop 4 years back. and do the thing which i regret the most. then i would remain in limbo in my jc years. when i had the most fun and most tears.

now when i look at my life in front of me, i guess i can only move forward. its what i can make most out of it now, instead of reminiscing and whining about the past. if we're not meant to be, then we're not. but ill make our memories a part of me forever.

you will always be a part of me.

2008-05-30T08:30:00.000-07:00

i hereby proclaim that life can be a misery. i have no idea where to begin.

im so conflicted with many things. how do i manage my life? how do i say things which matter the most, and yet could possibly ruin everything?

where do i begin and where do i end? can you believe how screwed this is. im 18 going on 19 and i STILL dont have any idea where i stand or what to do. i guess im over-reliant on people for that.

so many underlying problems with me. i know im not perfect, but i never knew i was fucked up.

oh damn i dont wanna go on.

goodnight people.

2008-05-24T17:56:00.000-07:00

im back for this short weekend break.

things are gonna heat up in OCS soon. and im not sure im ready for it. i mean, theres a limit to everything we do, right? what if i hit that limit? what if i cant go further.

i know we're supposed to be surpassing our boundaries and exceeding our limits. thats what our training is about. but its very demoralizing when you try so hard, and yet you're so far. the gap keeps getting bigger and bigger. and running is the only way to keep up.

im really afraid that i will fall out, that i wont make the cut. i wanna keep going, keep going further. and i definitely wanna make that officer rank worthwhile.

what some people dont realize about me is that i require peer support to move on. encouragement, approval or even recognition from the people around me are forms of affirmation and motivation.

superficial? perhaps i am. but i guess the psychological impact on the mind is there.

im just kinda tired of all this. my body is aching, my heart is empty.

my heart always goes with you. always.

2008-05-19T18:50:00.000-07:00

im finally back! 3 weeks of confinement are over, and im now having my 3 day leave. haha.

field camp was tiring man. no further details required.

i learnt many things from my camp. tenacity will bring you a long ways away. its the tenacious who will survive the rough times. its the tenacious who will go the distance.

i spent my bookout day afternoon with my homie alford. we caught speed racer on the big screen. haha it wasnt a bad show if you dont count the kiddy animations and corny characters. the show is actually quite exciting.

it takes real men to stand up for whats right and what they believe in. its what makes them stronger and stronger day by day.

the next day was also spent at the movies, this time with AJ wushu! haha. we were supposed to watch AOD but in the end we caught What Happens In Vegas instead. and that, ladies and gentlemen, is a must watch for May 08.

two people, remarkably different, two different worlds. one love, one bond.

the rest went home after cos of book-ins, and dinners and school. leaving me and cs again. haha. his parents treated me to Sakae Teppanyaki. and even sent me all the way home. come to think about it, i didnt pay for a single meal yesterday. haha.

yeah thats about it. but i guess i really miss my friends. with so many things going on at once its not easy to have fun. too many commitments really can bring you down, so for now, im just gonna stick with what i have.

cheers yall.

2008-04-27T05:13:00.000-07:00

woke up kinda uneasy today, since i slept so damn late last night. i guess i was more worried about other stuff than my own rest. i only went to bed when i decided that my phone wouldnt ring. so thats that.

so in the end i didnt have to go down to tpy that early, since dad was at home. so mum and sis went down in the morning, i stayed at home to coach my brother's homework. had char kway teow for lunch! and i went off to tpy myself after that.

grandma is really sick. a cancer re-relapse. and she's not looking too good.

i discussed with mum on how to manage my own finance. and i think i will stick with the OCBC false savings idea. i guess it would be better to cut off my own flow of money than to leave it hanging and tempting.

i met kr and yingtong at bishan. they were leaving after their treat from ahma's dad! so good lah. den me and wil dun hav. zzz. yingtong like grow taller leh! or maybe its her shoes lah. i learnt that girls use their shoes to GREAT advantage. and kr looked damn small standing next to us lah. haha.

so i went with kr, wil and kh for their first book-in. as usual, recruits have their pre book-in syndrome. haha. i did my best to comfort them lah, but i guess the feeling needs getting used to. but its alright, cos we'll see each other again on labour day!

and i bumped into many friends at pasir ris, since EVERYONE was booking in. that included my previous PC and commanders. haha. it was good seeing them again and talking crap with them. and makes me miss the old times.

i do miss the old times. but there are some things now i wouldnt give anything to lose.

why is heaven so unkind? she has fought your demons twice, and won. why do you plague her again and again? she was a healthy person who exercised regularly. she has a good heart. she cares more for others than herself. why do you try to take her away from the people who love her, time after time?

things are happening too quick. too many troubles in such short time. what if something were to happen while im away? i dont think i can handle it.

ive been thinking for very long. and i dont think i should, or could, change the way i am. for better or for worse, this is who i am. i may change my perception, but i guess things will always stay the same.

the same, miserable same.

2008-04-26T08:54:00.000-07:00

im back again! and this time ill take a long leave of absence. the next time i will be able to update will be 18th of may. so dont miss me too much people.

so another week passes by. we learn more, and more is expected of us. i wont say life is easy, cos its not. its stressful to be in OCS, cos we are expected to perform our best 24/7. that leaves us no time for other things we wanna do. result? tired, smelly and hungry cadets.

but its okay lah, i guess we tend to take things in stride now, after all we are known to be a decisive force. i shall persevere! and i shall show everyone how strong i can truly be.

anyway, today is bookout day! we were supposed to bookout after dinner, but guess what? the cookhouse no food. so in the end just scan and zao. LOL? so i booked out w/o dinner.

joined wil, kr, cw, teo and gang at plaza sing. waited damn long for their movie to finish, and we ate dinner at pastamania. it was good seeing them again, after so long. and talking crap about army and just chilling out.

and i bumped into jon, whom i was supposed to meet tomorrow but in the end kena cancelled. see, if we're meant to meet up, we're meant to meet up. LOL.

we parted our separate ways after dinner, but ill be seeing the wushu gang on labour day! and thats something to look forward to.

faith, not fear.

2008-04-19T08:18:00.000-07:00

bookout weekend!

i dont know how to describe my time spent nowadays. my life is now to the Army. haha. but anyway, i was really glad to be home. i really miss my family.

anyway. today went out whole day. morning was movie with jon and brandon at AMK hub. we watched the Forbidden Kingdom. its pretty nice, with great fight scenes! oh wells thats what you get when you put 2 of the greatest martial artists together in a movie. haha.

my dear clarissa wasnt out of bed yet by the time the movie ended, so i accompanied jon and brandon for lunch. so we talked crap and caught up with each others lives. haha. den we went to walk around AMK hub, and me and jon found these really cheap shirts we liked! haha. so we decided to buy them the next time we went back.

met clar at the mrt station, and we went town. had lunch at Azabu Sabo. haha. the food was pretty good, and the ice cream was oiiiishhiii~ xD

i then followed her on her favourite past time, aka shopping. haha. but im used to it already lah, so okay lo. afterwhich i followed her to her dance studio, and went walking on my own around bugis.

after spending a couple of hours alone in town, i went back and we went for dinner. had 2 plates of noodles (好吃!), then we went back to city hall to shop around again. brian wasnt feeling too good and headed home first, so i sent clar home.

took cab back, and kena whacking by some bengs. the worst way to end a bad day i guess. ouchie. well, i gave them the BJ treatment too. ill bet a couple of them wont be sleeping well tonight. wahhahaha. ouch. x(

in the end, it didnt matter. no matter what i thought, what i planned, what i did. it didnt matter in the end.

life has no meaning for me. at least he does things for a reason. i do things for an invalid reason. and now my actions has no purpose.

in the end, i realize no one truly understands me. is my character too hard to comprehend? none of it made sense anyway. but i dont blame them. the way i do things, the way i keep my feelings in a box, its no wonder people arent aware of them.

to others, i suppose i appear shallow and superficial; a person who says passing things and have no concern for others. it that truly who i am? am i so useless, so hopeless, so utterly redundant in this world?

i was a fool to think that people knew, that people understood, that people genuinely cared. i was a fool to believe in such mundane things.

i have never, ever, felt so alone in this world.

2008-04-12T10:23:00.000-07:00

im finally out of camp. there goes 3 weeks in a flash.

it has certainly been a memorable experience. i guess i learnt a lot of stuff these 3 weeks. things that changed my perception of things in an entirety. leadership is much more than it seems.

things have more meaning to me now. every little action, every little thought, every little perception makes a difference. and how do you make a difference? you think beyond yourself. you believe that nothing lasts. pain is an illusion. think collectively.

these are but a few things that leadership encompasses.

my life is a whirl now. i have many things to consider, many different veto factors in play.

things have gone smoothly. and yet, inevitably, i still feel a pang of regret. to compromise, or to be objective?

things should work out. i hope.

2008-03-23T06:19:00.000-07:00

okay! this shall be my final post before i retreat into the hell known as OCS.

im freaking scared now. i just read some forum on OCS life. and i guess i should OOC liddat le.

i need more motivation to push on for now. haha.

looking forward to commissioning~

cya in 3 weeks guys. ill miss yall sorely.

2008-03-22T06:04:00.000-07:00

only one word to accurately describe how my body feels: 痛!

and when u thought you could handle a simple sunburn, you realize how foolish your feeble thinking can be.

my back is red like lobster lah.

went to cat high for wushu 测试 today. this year is less packed than the previous, so the atmosphere is not really that realistic as compared to the actual competition.

saw some zai people, saw the noobs come and go. haha. but its all in good spirits yeah?

and then the group events. cant say much lah. AJ wushu decided to pull stunt and slack. nehmind, ill take it as though you guys dunwan our opponents to see our true strength. can, can.

went pastamania makan. first time i ate TWO pastas. and i was still hungry.

family went to makan at this seafood restaurant down the road. IMBA.

and i finally dug out my old piano scores and practiced. since ages ago. lol.

okay. i am officially bored to death.

OCS on monday. goddamn. scared.

2008-03-21T08:52:00.000-07:00

today was a great day!

went sentosa with clarissa, mathilda. aaron, daryl.

major sunburn. haha. it was fun nonetheless. i haven had so much fun since.. well, a really long time.

we swam, we slept, we played ball, we had lunch, we had drinks.. all in the sun. and we took photos! haha.

price to pay: really painful back, arms, neck, shoulders. and dunno why my right upper thigh. argh.

i got my posting order as well. im headed for OCS on monday.

so i shall RIP as of monday. disappear from the world again. i hope i shall be sorely missed.

i have so many things left to do. some of priority, some of not. some things which have been kept suppressed inside of me for too long, so many things left unsaid.

i think i seriously need a proper lesson in reading subtle body language.

ciaoz!

2008-03-19T07:37:00.000-07:00

im gonna do something i havent done in a long time. im gonna narrate.

----------------------------------------------------------

he, was there. he was there, on a chair, in a room of four walls of grey.

the light of the moon was cast in through a square window in the far corner, providing him the warmth of the night, and pale light casting shadows in the flickering yellow of the lone bulb on the ceiling.

through the flickers one can see an artist's canvas of pure white -- of emptiness; of calm and serenity. white cast against the shadows of the night; stark contrast to the demeanor of the world and its melancholy. yes, white seemed empty, in the dark, dark night.

he picked his tools -- brush of fine horse hair, and assortment of vivid paint beneath his chair. the colors of his tools seemed out of place in his dark, dark world.

of his own accord, his hands started moving across the canvas, with meaning, with purpose. colors began staining the once calm canvas.

joyful yellow. strong blue. teasing purple. loving pink. passionate red.

and even more so, the colors of his tools seemed out of place in this dark, dark world.

in his painting, there was a woman. she was kneeling in a meadow of grass. there was nothing else, but the blue sky and white fluffy clouds made out of dreams, hopes and aspirations.

but suddenly, he changed.

the blue sky turned black as night. grey overwhelmed the white clouds of dreams, turning into that of hate, jealousy and hypocrisy.

lightning cracked overhead, and the scream of the heavens was deafening.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

i think i shall stop here for now. i havent decided on a suitable ending for this story.

2008-03-19T07:22:00.000-07:00

today has got to be one of the worst days of my life.

cant cram too many stuff into 24 hours, i think its too stressful.

clean my army stuff, crap in the toilet till i leave the house late. supposed to go swimming.

heaven emo-ed and decided to pull a fast one on me. saw some light in a referee's letter to NUS scholarship.

teacher had course until 1730 hours. supposed to meet early to get good seats during lecture. at 1700 my dear friend was at tanah merah. haha.

somehow my phone stylus decided it didnt like the way i was tapping it against the screen and eloped with another.. i dunno it disappeared.

my next stylus cost me another whopping on my wallet.

cab drivers are assholes during peak hours. stfu.

being late for lecture = no admittance to LT. you get to watch from another room with a view cam instead.

great.

but.. the lecture was IMBA.

how on earth do you combine human behavioral patterns with economics? i have no idea, but somehow it works. and people, statistics dont lie.

a gambler's addiction utilizes the same part of the brain as a heroine addict. or any other drug addict for that matter. wow lah.

2008-03-16T05:28:00.000-07:00

i realise that now im home i can blog more often.

the past 2 days have been eventful. went out and spent time with my friends. patronized universities. had a pretty girl on my arm. haha.

went to NUS yesterday. it had high school reunion written all over it. met up with the pretty girl, watched movie, go jalan jalan. cos her bf went bintan! hahaha.

okay jkjk lah. we had ktv session on my dad at night! haha.

expensive cab fare. CS u owe me money.

went out with the pretty girl again today. made her smile. i think i must be the proudest guy in the world today. haha.

you made me happy too, girl.

2008-03-14T06:28:00.000-07:00

i just came across this story in my email from nyuk. and i think i must really share this with the world.

this is a recollection of a piano teacher who took in a student she thought hopeless. and this is her story:

Robby's Night

At the prodding of my friends, I am writing this story. My name is Mildred Hondorf. I am a former elementary school music teacher from Des Moines, Iowa. I've always supplemented my income by teaching piano lessons-something I've done for over 30 years. Over the years I found that children have many levels of musical ability.. I've never had the pleasure of having a prodigy though I have taught some talented students.

However I've also had my share of what I call 'musically challenged' pupils. One such student was Robby. Robby was 11 years old when his mother (a single Mom) dropped him off for his first piano lesson. I prefer that students (especially boys!) begin at an earlier age, which I explained to Robby.

But Robby said that it had always been his mother's dream to hear him play the piano. So I took him as a student. Well, Robby began with his piano lessons and from the beginning I thought it was a hopeless endeavor. As much as Robby tried, he lacked the sense of tone and basic rhythm needed to excel but he dutifully reviewed his scales and some elementary pieces that I require all my students to learn.

Over the months he tried and tried while I listened and cringed and tried to encourage him. At the end of each weekly lesson he'd always say, "My mom's going to hear me play someday." But it seemed hopeless. He just did not have any inborn ability. I only knew his mother from a distance as she dropped Robby off or waited in her aged car to pick him up. She always waved and smiled but never stopped in.

Then one day Robby stopped coming to our lessons. I thought about calling him but assumed because of his lack of ability, that he had decided to pursue something else. I also was glad that he stopped coming. He was a bad advertisement for my teaching!

Several weeks later I mailed to the student's homes a flyer on the upcoming recital. To my surprise Robby (who received a flyer) asked me if he could be in the recital. I told him that the recital was for current pupils and because he had dropped out he really did not qualify. He said that his mother had been sick and unable to take him to piano lessons but he was still practicing "Miss Hondorf, I've just got to play!" he insisted.

I don't know what led me to allow him to play in the recital. Maybe it was his persistence or maybe it was something inside of me saying that it would be all right. The night for the recital came. The high school gymnasium was packed with parents, friends and relatives. I put Robby up last in the program before I was to come up and thank all the students and play a finishing piece. I thought that any damage he would do would come at the end of the program and I could always salvage his poor performance through my "curtain closer."

Well, the recital went off without a hitch. The students had been practicing and it showed, then Robby came up on stage. His clothes were wrinkled and his hair looked like he'd run an eggbeater through it. 'Why didn't he dress up like the other students?' I thought. 'Why didn't his mother at least make him comb his hair for this special night?'

Robby pulled out the piano bench and he began. I was surprised when he announced that he had chosen Mozart's Concerto #21 in C Major. I was not prepared for what I heard next. His fingers were light on the keys, they even danced nimbly on the ivories. He went from pianissimo to fortissimo, from allegro to virtuoso. His suspended chords that Mozart demands were magnificent! Never had I heard Mozart played so well by people his age. After six and a half minutes he ended in a grand crescendo and everyone was on their feet in wild applause.

Overcome and in tears I ran up on stage and put my arms around Robby in joy. "I've never heard you play like that Robby! How'd you do it?" Through the microphone Robby explained: "Well, Miss Hondorf, Remember I told you my Mom was sick? Well, actually she had cancer and passed away this morning and well... She was born deaf so tonight was the first time she ever heard me play. I wanted to make it special."

There wasn't a dry eye in the house that evening. As the people from Social Services led Robby from the stage to be placed into foster care, I noticed that even their eyes were red and puffy and I thought to myself how much richer my life had been for taking Robby as my pupil.

No, I've never had a prodigy but that night I became a prodigy of Robby's. He was the teacher and I was the pupil for it is he who taught me the meaning of perseverance and love and believing in yourself and maybe even taking a chance in someone and you don't know why.

Robby was killed in the senseless bombing of the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City in April of 1995.

if you read this and have no feelings of regret, sorrow or repentance; i would really say you lack a certain humane streak.

rest in peace, robby.

2008-03-14T05:15:00.000-07:00

wahh.. really useless. one month one post.

anyway. POP already. officially no longer REC rank.

life still goes on.

i find myself caught in a moral dilemma.

to speak or not to speak? to advise or not to advise?

i must now caution myself when i rationalize. not to overlook certain aspects which are sensitive to human nature and feelings. i must not turn into a cold-blooded unfeeling THING which has only objective in mind.

what happened to my empathy? what happened to my sensitivity?

i have no right to address issues like that. they are, and should be, merely trees by the roadside.

ignorance should prove to be advisable in this matter. but why cant i seem to let it pass?

but is it time and time again i give in to my instincts to care?

i have failed dismally in this arena. and yet i prove to be unaccepting of my history.

its just not fair.

not fair that life treats me that way. not fair that im not given second chances. not fair that i should have to be the one on the outside.

life has a way of making things right. and i can only hope that the path which i tread, which i follow, proves to be the one leading to happiness.

and i can only pray, that while i take my steps on the gravel; that i may not wander from thy stone pavement, lest i fall into the ravine hidden by the clouds and shadow.

life is not fair.

2008-02-19T21:44:00.000-08:00

wlao i think it has been ages since i last post? sian man army life really detaches you from civilization.

this blog is becoming really empty, really useless le. there's nth much i CAN blog about anyway, since most of my life now is RESTRICTED and not for public audience. wtf? i cant even talk about my own life.

yeah, i now belong to the SAF. jeez.

anyway, i have 3 more weeks to POP! where i finally get out of the hellhole of an island and probably get posted to another hellhole in the west. after hearing stories of OCS and SISPEC, im freakin' worried if i get posted there.

and i wanna get into MP! slackers life there. but..

always a catch. the interview is tml and im on ATT C! lol? meaning i cant go for the interview. GG.

and now im sick at home while my friends are training hard. IPPT next monday. never train. how to pass liddat?

life is now getting very boring. the people who promised to stay with you are now having their own life, and you yourself have a new group of people to spend time with. the occasional wellwishes or meetings seem so distant now. the times when we hung out together are fading out of memory.

as men, we should cherish all the times we share with the people around us. dont let friendship and life with your friends slip away.

dont question your ability to maintain relationships, have faith in yourself. you never know, there are people who wear a mask around you. what you see may only be skin deep.

i guess there is not much left in AJ for me now, just the results release. perhaps that may be the last time i visit that place. AJ really is a place where emotions and memories swirl into a vortex of churning and confused feelings. i guess i failed in maintaining my bond with that place, as well as the people who reside there.

not much left for me now, empty as always.

i only got CHIONG SUA.

2008-01-19T07:05:00.000-08:00

its been a long and arduous week.

the actual BMT is finally starting. and the training is beginning to take its toll on me.

my entire back is aching and sore due to one reason or another. im in serious need of a good massage now. haha.

injured my knee during IPPT training today. had a bad landing. but oh wells. shall improve next time.

and im not the only one. my man pat is in CGH due to cut infection.

field camp is next week. 6 days of hell. i have to get geared up for this. mentally and physically.

people, if you dont see me after 2 weeks, go and dig my body up in the forest. haha.

wanna know about the small joke? its your dick. LOL.

2008-01-03T06:31:00.000-08:00

this blog is seriously rotting.

NS life deprives me of all technological advantages. except my handphone, which unfortunately is now camera-less. zzz.

NS life is quite simple, just wear your helmet, look retarded, act retarded. i mean, how many of us actually understand what all those commands in malay means? haha. we just follow orders.

okay, so NS can be satisfying. especially when you excel in certain areas, such as shooting. man, if you're a marksman, a third of your BMT is already in the bag.

so there. NS in a nutshell.

im gonna get my pay soon. looking forward to 10th jan.

2007-12-24T07:59:00.001-08:00

2 weeks of NS are over! nothing much to report though.

same PT, same training. but its a whole new experience. to all the guys out there, train hard. train really hard.

i still have 11 more weeks to go, 4 more days to pay day! (:

merry christmas everyone!

2007-12-11T16:06:00.001-08:00

yoohoo!

im home. finally. but then im leaving again tomorrow. zzz.

went straight from airport to PAR-TEH at the riverside. woots.

girls lookin hot, guys looking great, and me underdressed in what seemed to be my PJs.

danced the morning away. danced like crap. haha. but some of them really can shake their booteh eh!

missed the prom, caught the party. i have never felt better in singapore.

chilled with my buddies, my people, the past 2 years of my life.

ill miss you guys sorely.

and now without sleep. i shall continue packing.

botak tomorrow! dun laugh when you see me.

ciaoz~

2007-11-22T18:26:00.001-08:00

its the end of the week. too fast for comfort.

leaving home in half an hour.

leaving town in less than 24 hours.

wont be back for at least 336 hours.

GG lah.

when im back, i only have 96 hours to spend with my friends. then im going botak. i cant believe it lah.

my life is now flowing like im reading a book. my path is laid out, the plot's unfolding, and i have no other choice but to walk down that lonely road.

sure, its 2 years nia. but if 2 years can get me so emo already, i dont know how i can survive lah.

the people in my life, the people who changed it.

i owe them too much already. more than what i can pay for.

its unfair, for this kind of separation. its like going into some ulu ulu place where handphone no signal and thon there for 2 years.

and then you have some people, t2bf, spoiling my mood so damn often.

and i think of what clarissa just told me yesterday, about friends.

superficiality? (is there such a word)

lemme tell you, this thing doesnt exist. its either you're a true friend, or you're someone who wants to be a friend for BENEFITS. this is not being superficial. this is being OBJECTIVE.

and after 2 years, i guess i can tell who has been OBJECTIVE and who has been TRUE.

people who suck up to you. people who TRY to be nice. these are people who dont deserve to be in your life.

and there are the people who talk so much shit but nothing is ever certain. these are the people in the gray regions. and they are the most dangerous as you have no idea who they are to you.

and then of course. the people who are true to you. they stand by you through the rain and storm. they bother to argue with you endlessly (and pointlessly) just for the fun and kicks. the people whom you can FEEL you belong with. not because you're accepted, (cos that may be objective as well), but rather because the feeling is mutual.

so its been two years of my dull life. two years since i learnt how to relate OXford to ALford. haha. two years since we progressed from PATRICK to MR JOHN and back to good 'ol PAT. two years of endless pool and movies and dota and laughs and what have you(s).

and (i quote from alford) now the memories rush back to me like they miss me.

O1 at NYJC, PAE at 0623. O2 at AJ, 06/06. the slackers table (remember chinese?), the bballing, wushu training. DE camp 06, end of year exams.

O1 as an OGL, wushu as a competitor. scandals everywhere. love lost and found, and yet lost again. once friends now broken, caught up in between, complex issues amongst the trivialities. DE camp 07, new friends we meet. friends we shall stay. not forgetting pool, which has become like a normal school lesson (since we play so much) and all the bballing which never seems to stop. fucked up PE sessions, screwed up life, but yet everything seems better, with friends by your side. (hey, that rhymes!) midyears, prelims, exams galore.

now that its over, all i can say is, i want more!

i dont want this to end, i dont want this to stop.
tell me what shall happen to me if my world just stops.
friends of old and friends of new.

people who mean so much to me, yet they never knew.

dear friends. im leaving for holiday tomorrow early morning. i shall be back on 9th of december. im enlisting in army on 13th december. so if i dont have the chance to meet with you and say my goodbyes, im really sorry. take care, and my best wishes go out to all of you.

2007-11-18T06:11:00.000-08:00

new blogskin. the old one should die with the old times.

sick and tired of this. i hate catering to people's wishes.

im sick of being plastic and fake. i wanna be independent. accountable by all means.

i answer only to myself.

its ending..

soon.

2007-11-17T04:17:00.000-08:00

im home!

phew. out whole day. wasted whole day. so might as well waste the night right?

rule of three. proven itself true again. what else can i say?

walk walk, talk talk, laugh laugh.

makan burned a hole in my wallet. pool didnt help much either. but its all enjoyable anyway. (:

hat got stuck on a train. tio laughed at by two angmoh. and i guess a couple more.

crowded like siao train. squeezed on. noisy ride home.

lucky got noise reduction earphones.

tired. but still gonna play. after reading my comics.

physics. GG.

2007-11-16T06:11:00.000-08:00

im tired leh.

theres only one more left. and i already gave up. like days ago.

what the hell am i doing ah?

talking rubbish all the time. i cant see any coherence in myself anymore.

i see desolation. i see a wasteland.

but the important thing is to move forward, and not worry about the past. live for the future.

strive forward. 勇敢往前走! cos thats the only thing you can do.

but oh wells. one cannot turn back time. so if u wanna change something in the past, wait for me to invent a time machine okay? den i promise will give u discount for usage if you are my friend.

then i will change my life for the better.

its not that i regret the present. my life would not be as fufilling as it is now if not for the people i met. the things they teach, the things we learn together. the fun, laughter, peace and joy. all the bastards and assholes in my life. yeah, you're important too.

so here's to the bastards and assholes, my homies out there.

here's to a better next life.

cheers people.

2007-11-14T05:22:00.000-08:00

finally can blog again! its a couple more days to the end.

but then again, econs finished today at 1700 hours so what the heck.

its been a wild ride. two years gone by just like that.

too many things to rejoice about. and even more to regret.

too many things to think about. and yet so much thinking has been done. (dont you think?)

but i guess whats done is done. whats not done is not meant to be done. and all we have left is the rest of our lives.

so get on with it.

no more time for regrets, no more time to look back.

time to take the next step.

2007-10-25T05:19:00.000-07:00

okay luh. its time for some thanking, so give thanks i shall. thanks to the following people for remembering i was born on 24th october, a day i shall never forget.

in no particular order:

1. yunqian dajie and huairen, for not only remembering, but wishing me early just in case.

2. my bros alford and pat, for the things unspoken, and more importantly, the things not needed to be said.

3. to the shortie charmine, for remembering a month before, and getting it correct the 2nd time.

4. to my dearest clarissa, for standing by me when i needed strength.

5. my brods kr and wil. esp to wil, the for calling me a loser when he forgot and went to play maple.

6. zhutou allena, for all her pinches which kept me awake in tuition class.

7. shuangying and jasline, for that wonderful cheesecake. ill try my best to smile on my other birthdays.

8. mum and dad, for bringing me up and giving me the opportunities i have today.

9. junwei, for being the only person in my Gallant to rmb.

10. evadne, huiqi, jerlyn and josiah, for rmbering despite their studies.

11. xiangfeng and yuxuan, the nicest people in nyjc. haha.

12. chunhong and jowaii, for brightening up my days in class.

13. olivia, and i want a present from my mum!

14. sly, for mixing up christmas and the 24th.

15. teng, for her inspiration on seeing kr and wil.

16. fangqing, for being so random.

17. joanne and wanching, for firing me since im too old.

18. xuewei, for not forgetting my no. even though i forgot hers.

19. nyukmin, for letting me play her PSP.

20. tracy, for remembering EVERYBODY'S birthday.

21. hongchia, for being the last.

22. joanna, for her belated wish.

23. changsheng, having the same birthday as me.

24. cs, for the call.

25. reub, for still remembering me, let alone my birthday.

26. zhaoqin, ziwen, wenting for their testimonials.

27. my boss, for being one of the first.

28. my sis-in-law yuekai, for reminding me abt the next birthday in 3 months.

29. grandma, 小舅, 3rd granduncle and aunt, for your wishes and your ANGBAO.

and to all the people who subconsciously knew there was something going on on the 24th but couldnt tell what, thanks for trying.

oh yeah, kudos to beijing for that rocket launch, heard it was successful. dont try to shoot down anymore satellites okay?

im pathetic.

2007-10-24T06:49:00.000-07:00

everyone's birthday is special.

today they even launched a rocket in China for me. thanks.

but no one expects to lose someone on their special day. definitely not me.

2007-10-23T08:49:00.000-07:00

in the darkness of the night,

i dreamed

of a faraway place;

of the wind and its strength,

of the trees and their calm.

but as all dreams do,

they have an ending,

and thence begins a new journey --

the end.

2007-10-23T08:35:00.000-07:00

人生自古谁无死？

seems so corny last time. now its not so funny when its applied in your context. i might not know my great-grandmother very well, but i love her more than enough to pray she gets well.

its not fair that we live to die. who decides these damn things anyway? they say one day humans will be immortal. how about those who dont make it to see that day? damn the world and all its cruelty.

damn the sky, damn the sea, damn the people who spit along the street. damn damn damn.

i really think the world is trying to be funny. doing not-so-funny things to people. like a bad joke gone worse. ever seen Hitler telling a joke? the last time he did that, about a million Jews died.

is there a flipside to all this shit? if not, we need some serious crap disposal unit.

enough already.

2007-10-22T09:47:00.000-07:00

he sat on the hill top, gazing at the rising sun. a picture of serenity and immaculate innocent exuded from his round, expressive face. below him, a cattle grazed on the warm slopes, feeding on the lush grass which seemed to stretch out in every direction.

the sun rose slowly, a gradual orange-yellow at first tinging, then highlighting the cloudless, bright blue skies. it rose, almost leisurely, until it hung in its place in the open sky; in his world. yes, it seemed so natural that it belong there, supported without strings, suspended in the sky.

the sun -- its warmth swept the lands. it fed the grass, which fed the animals, which made him content. it was a light in the dark, the wind beneath his wings. the sun was, and had been, his companion since he was there. and he would roll down the slopes of the hill, jubilant that all was well in his world. and he was happy, for many days.

but the sun didnt like its job. it was not content by sitting in the sky, and overlooking the same person and same landscape each day. and as it grew tired of being there, it began to take its time to rise in the sky, until one fateful day, it didnt turn up at all.

and instead of light, there was darkness in the world. the blue, blue skies faded to grey and black. the grass withered and died, and the cattle left in search of greener pastures. and at the end, there was no smile on his face. without the sun, he had lost his ability to be happy. extinguished like a match in the rain, he was empty and broken.

he sat on the hill top, gazing at the empty sky. and as his eyes searched the heavens, he asked, "why?" the question resounded in his head, shockingly loud and clear, in the silence of the dark, dark day. thousands of answers formulated in his head, each one more incoherent and illogical as the other.

and so he sat on the hill, gazing at the empty sky, searching for the answer that he couldnt find.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

i shall try to finish this story asap. try and write the ending to it: i wanna see what happens.

cheers.

2007-10-22T09:21:00.000-07:00

omg! its only ONE more week to the A levels! wahliews, time is too fast for me to think eh.

and i still went to play bball today. wad am i doing sia? play until all my luck gone. but then hor, today is really so damn tyco. haha. the feel is good man.

GP mock exam was crap, i didnt manage to finish (again) and ford was sleeping lah! tsk tsk.

saw cw and yk on the way out of school. they were going to IMM paktoh lah! brings back memories.. oh wells. thou shall not emo.

kfc is a terrible place to study. period. so i suggested bball. ford, kah hwee, geng liang joined in. and i think kr almost fainted lah! tsk. im a bad influence kids, so stay away from me if possible.

im officially a free man. a sober and hardened one, but a free man nonetheless. and its constituent of my freedom that i shall express myself in the wee hours of the morning.

okay luh, now i really dunno what im typing le. i guess its kinda sian to look at the time flying away from you throughout this period. im sick and tired of worrying about my results and my future. im sick and tired of looking at things which i cannot see myself doing. its exhausting to put oneself in a position which one cannot thrive in.

oh and uh, i passed my previous 2 essays. whoopee-doo. i think 'nearly there' really is too far for comfort.

time passes too quickly -- before you know it, its all over. people dont understand that they should treasure what they have and make the best of it before its all over. nothing lasts forever. not even love.

love is a relative concept. i love you, you love me, we are happy family. its a multiple-way thing for it to work. so one-sided feelings for someone isnt called love. no, not even if you break a couple of legs for him/her. thats plain stupidity.

call me a loser, but im seriously beginning to lose faith in that word. "love". sounds so exhalted and holy. but its the root cause of most of the pain and suffering felt by pimply, bespectacled teenagers all over the world.

eh, dont get me wrong hor. im not discouraging people to love. for godsake people, go out there and love each other. but whatever you do, dont get in the way of others. please, dont. if its one thing i learnt from a GP compre paper, its that ideals dont co-exist. they are like giving a terrorist c4 and a fuse. (okay, bad example.)

you just dont do it.

aiyah, sian already lah. dunno why im wasting time here.

buhbyes.

2007-10-12T07:02:00.000-07:00

relac brudder!

class leaders of o6/o6

me, my gay partner, and his girlfriend. HAHA.

2 men and a crazy boy.

me and my aj idol partner!

me and the class 美女s!

brothers always!

me and mr seng trying to be farnie.

DE Camp SIs! (or those who turned up.)

bang bang bang!

me and my chao ah lian.

aj wushu rox!

emo kids. tsk tsk.

nothing more spas then being in wushu. period.

the rest of the pictures are in my friendster. go kapoh if you want. haha. cheers people!

2007-10-05T07:09:00.000-07:00

its a friday! so i am on break. tomorrow will resume mugging. amk library, 10 am. pia all the way until evening. woot!

okay people, there are 24 more days to A levels, not counting today. jiayou!

lotsa people birthday coming.. seems that october is a popular month to be born eh? haha.

i really envy the jc1s sia. their promos are now over, and they're free to have fun and enjoy. those were the days man. when i look back and think about it, i thought it would be fun to be in jc2 with my friends. but then again, its so stressful, and time flies so fast to take away the things precious to you.

given the question, if i could turn back time and redo my life from scratch, i would probably claim that i would change my past for the better.

but once i think deeper, and dig real deep, i dont think im a person who is strong enough to change like that. and this time, i dont think its a sign of weakness or inability. this is who i am. and this is how i have lived, and gonna live the rest of my life. the future may be harder for me than others, but this is the only way im gonna get through. its no point wishing this or that, or resigning myself to my "fate" or whatever the heck you call it.

so what if i fail? so what if i fall? does it really matter if you lose today?

lose today to fight another day. if its not tomorrow, then the day after. if not, the day after next. or next, or next, or next. i dont really care. we shouldnt really care.

cos if we do, we'll be so tangled up in today that tomorrow is hard to come by. and when it does, we're so exhausted that it passes by so quickly you cant react. 'cos thats no fantasy world where your whim and fancy comes to life with a simple thought -- snap back to reality.

oops, there goes gravity. do you feel heavy? yeah, thats good cos it proves you're human. not even the world's greatest men and women feel differently. in the truth of it all, we're just human -- flesh, blood and emotion.

emotion is what makes us so distinctly human, as we express it differently from different animals. dogs or cats or monkeys or fish even, feel pain like we do. but do we know that? hardly, as we can only interpret their shrieks and noises through our intuition and logical guesses. emotion. is it a boon or bane? is what makes us, US? or is it something redundant?

some people call me emo. i guess its normal, albeit not exactly preferable if you're social life is wild and up. perhaps thats why people around me are so perturbed when they see me down. in their rationality, perhaps they forgot that i am also human, and not the perception or image which registered in their mind when we first met.

perceptions change. i read in the news lately about this reporter who has a gay friend. my opinion has nothing to do with the related person's sexual orientation, but rather what the reporter had mention in his/her (i cant rmb!) article.

he/she had said something along this line (i think. if i had wrongly interpreted the meaning, i apologise.) -- it was interesting to have a new friend, but once the novelty wore off, a new and deeper meaning to friendship appeared. (i think i got it wrong. but what the heck.)

deeper meaning, meaning? good or bad? cos some friends seem distant when you get closer to them. some people whom you thought were your friends, who had just discovered something they dont like about you, now distance themselves away. hell, what does friendship mean?

its too deep, too profound for words to describe. friendship is not something you can say, but perhaps something you'll experience someday. someday. why? cos friendship only shows when people develop a feeling and bond through trials and times. its not an overnight thing, its not a "me-and-you" feeling. friendship, is strength; is empathy; is courage; is love. its a million other things to billions of other people. but what matters most, is what it means to you.

it can mean a million joys when people feel the same way, but its a BILLION heartbreaks when they dont. i dont really mean you should go get the whole world to love you. but i mean that one should try to love the whole world.

its why people do unrealistic things for people who couldnt give a damn about them; its why you couldnt burn that picture. its what turn men and women into drunkards; its why you (its another you) still cant let go. its what differentiates strong from weak; its why im still the latter.

its why people cry when their loved ones die; its why you cant bear to let her go. its why you'd give up your life for her; its why you feel numb from the pain. its why people kill in the name of their loved ones; its why its such a feeble excuse.

2006 - 2007 has been eventful. good and bad. ups and downs. i can tolerate my failures. i can tolerate my mistakes. the damage done was limited to myself, so i can take it.

but i cant stand that i had hurt you. that i had hurt other people. people who trusted me, people who depended on me. people who loved me.

and thats the worst thing.

and people, at the end of this incredibly long post. i just wanna say.

im sorry. and i love you.

2007-10-01T04:39:00.000-07:00

im here for a quickie.

time really flies, its now october.

i have tons of homework. and im afraid i cant finish studying for my As. but i will try. (:

i have tuition make up on 17th and 24th this month. the latter is my birthday! zzz.

since im on the topic, might as well make a wishlist here:

1. wallet
2. adidas watch
3. pencilbox

see? im nt tt greedy. haha. but i guess wishes will remain wishes.

im kinda worried tt my enlistment will happen before prom! all that money going to waste. and forfeiting the chance to see my pals and school all dressed up and nice. bleah.

i miss the old days. carefree, heck-care.

and all the people who made it that way.

2007-09-22T07:05:00.001-07:00

i suddenly had the urge to change blogskin. so there.

tomorrow is the day i start my 修行.

wish me well people, for all you know, the guy affectionately called BJ may disappear.. and out comes daryl the mugger.. HAHA

oh well that was too melodramatic. pat, ford -- don't say anything.

its time. are you ready?

2007-09-20T04:22:00.000-07:00

i am SHACKED man.

dunno why im so tired today. gave up mugging and watched rogue assassin instead. woot. haha.

bankai soon man, just watch it. you're going down. hard.

happy birthday..

2007-09-18T03:23:00.000-07:00

prelims are over!

one week of break!

and its.. MOCK EXAMS. sian.

den another week of break!

den its A LEVELS. GG.

look like i cannot slack le leh. haiz. muz chiong ah. no no wait. muz say it with more enthu-ness. MUZ CHIONG AH! lol. tt looks better. x)

i must thank my sister! cos she helped me borrow the high school musical 2 soundtrack from her friend! haha. i only mentioned it once and she really help me borrow. im so touched. okay ill be nice and buy tt ichigo bliss for her. when i find time.

and i cant order my xbox games anymore! meaning i have to go in to malaysia and buy. zzz. but kor kor say he will bring me after my A lvls so good. start saving now and buy all that i want next time.

im wondering when i will start working. i wanna earn my own cash so i dont have to rely on my parents so much. but how much can i earn and where can i start? sounded so easy before, but when i think about it now, its damn hard lah! argh. sylvester! better 培养 your 徒弟 leh! haha.

and so many things rushing back to me now.. its too late to regret ba. haiz. one must live for the future, if not he will remain stuck in the present. but if i could turn back the clock, i would definitely live my life differently.

its back to school tomorrow, and i cant say im looking forward to it. PE first thing in the morning. SIAN. hopefully i get to play games. heh.

i wanna ignore these feelings now, they're too much of a distraction to me. its something i cant afford now.

after reading kr's post, feelings of reminiscence just rushed up in me. i miss the jc1 days sia -- all the slacking in wushu, hanging out with my bros, failing tests together. thats the slackers life man. but now, i guess i have to adjust to a new life.

my 18th birthday is coming soon, in slightly more than a month. i guess its time i grew up. no one stays young and carefree forever. its our time to share the burden of the world.

if no one helps to share the burden, wont it be more stressful for all the others out there? do your society a helping hand. feel stressed. >< (random!)

i realised there's so many things in my life i dream of and i couldnt accomplish. good results, good fitness, being a role model, having a nice and stable BGR, etc etc. but i guess those are dreams yet to be fufilled. maybe one day ill have the strength and ability to finish what i started, and what i have yet to begin. one say, someday.

2007-09-17T01:16:00.000-07:00

its the 2nd last day of the prelims! tomorrow is physics paper 1 and 2 and im like 3/4 to giving it up. argh. cannot! must focus. when i reach home later i will mug the day away. ill try. HAHA. you know me, its always in me to TRY.

i went to watch the 7th 武术观摩会 on saturday. ten bucks of ticket was alright lah. the performances were all damn nice except for the 太极 parts. cant help it lah, i dunno how to appreciate the SLOWNESS lah. except for this guy. the national coach for 太极 and he performed 太极难度套路, IMBA. he jumped like a couple feet the air, toes nearly reaching his forehead and landing perfectly on one foot. omg.

there was this little kid we saw when we went to find yongyuan at the east section. he can 打 the 套路 just like the other oldies performing the 太极扇. LOL. if you want can ask me and ill show you his video. haha.

i didnt study much for this time's exam. despite all the times i kept telling myself to study. (refer to previous posts)

this must change lah, i cannot do well like this. someone please pressure me to study hard?

ive been thinking a lot lately. things have deteoriated to this step. why did we let things happen this way?

i need you to talk to me more. what do you need me to do?

i keep my promises.

2007-09-07T06:38:00.000-07:00

im back to sidetrack. but i think this will probably be the last sidetracking i will do till end of prelims. and im back with another quiz. this time got many people tag me, so i 非做不可.

You Are Tagged!

Rules of the game:Each player of this game starts off with ten weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own ten weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you must choose six people to be tagged and list their names. No tagbacks! :D

i think i did this before leh.. now i have to think of all the weird things that i am again. its depressing to know that you're weird, and that there are TEN things which make you weird. zzz.

1. i have a disproportionate body. i hate this the most. big head, long body, short legs, long neck. like wtf? finding clothing which looks nice on me is hard. people, dont ever get me a BLACK shirt. makes my body look small.

2. sometimes when i laugh, sometimes i cant control it and it gets really high pitched. zzz. there was one time in the audi i was disturbing dania until i laughed out loud. *eek!* LOL.

3. i think im sometimes overly self-conscious. i often worry about what other people think before i do or say something. weird huh. ><

4. i have a really short attention span. there was this time i was studying at amk library and i couldnt stay focussed for 5 minutes to stop looking out the window. at chio bu. but then again.. cannot really blame me right? HAHA.

5. i can really indecisive on what to wear. zzz.

6. the wushu gang says im too serious. haha. i think otherwise. im a party animal at heart!

7. i tend to repeat the same couple of jokes. but again not really my fault! because i meet different people so those around me say i repeat. haha. paiseh lah alford and pat.. but u 2 my brother so must bear with it ba. haha.

8. im quite sentimental. last time i watched a sad show got leak in my eye. yes, eye nia.

9. i have rather large hands! for my height that is. comparable to big guys like patrick eh! haha. here's this: i can stretch my hands to reach one octave and 2 keys on the piano. and i still can play with that spread.

10. i cant think of anything leh. if got something and its not too insulting maybe ill fill it in. yeah.

okay, i wont tag anyone lah. i think we're getting sick of this particular test.

i was supposed to finish this like over a week ago? haha. prelims leh.

2007-09-05T06:26:00.000-07:00

after four consecutive days of tuition, im here to waste my blog entry on this. ah but well, you know i have nothing more to blog about these days. and its supposed to be interesting and "enlightening"! well, tell me if u are really enlightened yeah.

here goes:

1. person who tagged me:
`allena

2. my relationship with her:
`one is pig head, one is pig tail. haha. or you could take it as i am her laopa lah.

3. my 5 impressions of her:
`千金大小姐
`happy-go-lucky
`innocent
`blur
`friendly

4. most memorable thing that she had done for me:
`woah. when it happens ill tell you. haha, im gg to get it for this. xD

5. most memorable words that she said to me:
`she said i had good taste in music! ahaha.

6. if she becomes my lover, i will?:
`erm. make sure i got lots of cash to feed her rich tai-tai appetite. HAHA.

7. if she is my lover, she has to improve on:
`looks. HAHA. okay okay, jking only. better communication with me lor.

8. if she becomes my enemy, i will:
`RUN.

9. if she becomes my enemy, the reason is:
`i did something to piss her off? and i mean something SERIOUS.

10. the thing that i desire most to do for her now is:
`remember to bring that cheesecake recipe! ><

11. my overall impression of her:
`future empress dowager.

12. how do i think people around me will feel about me?:
`siao, lame, crazy, high, talkative, blah blah blah..

13. the character i love about myself is:
`there's no one in the world like ME. (:

14. on the contrary, what character i hate about myself:
`nothing!

15. the most ideal person i would like to be:
`a confident, outspoken, handsome, tall, athletic, intelligent.. ah you get my drift.

16. a message to those around me and those who care for me:
`i love yall peeps.

17. pass this quiz to 10 people whom i wish to know how they feel about me:
1) alford
2) patrick
3) clarissa
4) jules
5) kangrui
6) zhen en
7) wil
8) see yuen
9) suwen
10) daryl cs

is no. 9 a male/female?
`F

if no. 1 and no. 10 be together, is it a good thing?
`not unless they're gay, no.

how about no. 3 and 4?
`reverse the sexuality choice on the above.

what is no. 2 studying about?
`science

last time i chatted with no. 3?
`couple of weeks back, when we were deciding what to buy for mel's present. i think she still hasnt bought it yet. LOL.

what kind of music does no. 8 like?
`anything angmoh or cheena ba? but i think its more angmoh.

no. 6 have any siblings?
`yeah.

will you woo no. 3?
`if i could turn back the clock, yeah, maybe.

how about no. 7?
`no, im not gay. even if i were, still NO. no offense, wil. haha.

is no. 4 single?
`haha i think she's still deciding on that. LOL.

surname of no. 5?
`tay. the questions are getting weirder and weirder.

hobby of no. 5?
`fellow wushu-er and gamer. slacking.

where's no. 3 studying at?
`ngee ann poly.

have you tried developing feelings for no. 8?
`nah, she's too blur lah. hahaha.

where does no. 9 live?
`singapore.

what colour does no. 4 like?
`erm. wait. she told me before. damn.

are no.1 and 3 best friends?
`they dont know each other.

does no. 7 like no. 2?
`NOT GAY.

how do you know no. 2?
`AJC. its whr its happening man, i never regretted knowing such a great guy.

no. 5 have a pet?
`nope.

its finally done. this was a total waste of time.

mug hard for prelims yall! dont give up or sidetrack (much like what im doing now.)

ciao!

2007-08-30T06:50:00.000-07:00

GP paper today! shall not say anymore except that i was grinning my way throughout the essay. doesnt mean it was good though.. just means that i had fun. i think im starting to really enjoy GP, its a place where i can really practice expressing myself. and i just love to do that, dont i? xP

i wont talk more about this week, its been emotionally-rushed for me and would probably be a bore to others. who the hell cares about what goes through a 17-going on -18's head. yeah, the hell they care.

be back soon. that is, if this damn computer lasts that long.

sometimes the little things in life touch your heart.

sometimes the little things in life tear you apart.

i dont really understand why some things happen the way they did, or why some others did not.

but all in good time. im merely a late blossom. ill be there, you'll see.

2007-08-27T06:20:00.000-07:00

woah its been a long time since ive been here. should that be a good thing? i guess it could either mean ive been studying real hard. but then again, all those who know me well enough would disagree. cheers people.

okay, ive not been that slack, ive planned out my revision schedule. i think it impossible to complete lah, especially with IMBA subjects like econs. but thats what sept course is for eh? hahaha.

but ive just officially missed one day of my schedule, and that is TODAY. after school we went for makan at novena Velocity foodcourt. went walk walk around novena square, (i saw the cap that i want! and those really cool AND1 shirts!), then to darren's place nearby.

darren's house = (my house + cs house) x 2! two words: WOW LAH.
his dog is damn nice also lah. the golden retriever is not even a year old and it looks as if it could eat my dog up. LOL. and as usual, wilson scared of dogs, stayed away. hahaha.

mahjong! OMG long time never play le lah. last time i played was during CNY. but anyway, it was a nice break from revision. came home, and watched 校花校草! but only paid attention to the girls lah, hehehe. xP

this week is gonna go by real fast, ive got loads of work to catch up on. so ill probably be back this weekend or next, so cya guys real soon yeah?

mug hard people, the A levels are only a few months away!

happy teachers day!
and i really hope GP teachers dont sing anytime soon. im serious.

2007-08-17T08:08:00.000-07:00

here i am again! this week is finally over! phew.

this week is really a wakeup call to me sia. so many timed practices and i couldnt do half of them. what am i really doing? goodness. slacking during lectures and going home to slack even more. i cant believe it. i miss the times when i had people like kuok to push me to study man. but i shall not be reliant on that anymore! i am independent now.

so the prelim timetable is out! and seeing it makes me feel even worse. argh! paper on every day! goodness. i wonder how many white hairs i will grow after this year is over. actually, it doesnt really matter cos ill be botak anyway! haha.

i finished the series fate/stay night this week! omg. after watching secret i thought i had enough of emo shows. this one is just as bad. the animation is good and damn funny. and the last part.. god. damn sad.

next week there's truncated timetable! but not much of a difference cos we have to stay back for lessons anyway. oh wells.

another story of love through time.

another tale of strength through love.

another wish that fairytales do come true.

"if you wish it really hard, you can see the continuation of your dream.."

when will my dreams come true?