Sunday, July 15, 2007 @ 7:31 AM
today is an emo day man.
it all started with me reading something which came up on dean's blog, on friends and friendship. and one thing led to another, and now the ultimate question is: how do you know if they're truly your friends?
yeah sure, they might hang out with you and talk and crap and all that bullshit, but in the end, you never know if they're talking and stabbing you in the back. all those smiles and comforts may all just turn out to be some elaborate facade veiling the truth.
and when I think about it, with me being so damn pessimisitic already, who knows? the people you think are your closest friends might not be at all. okay, they might not go to the extent of backstabbing you, but they might not reprocicate the friendship and trust that you have shown and shared with them.
there is still a distance, and a void, when you come to think of true friends. how many of your classmates from secondary school and primary school still keep in contact with you? and how many bother to contact you first? heck, i wonder if people from your jc will remember you in the future. to me, if you dont leave something worth remembering, then your existence has been wasted.
and when someone you truly love and care about, tell you that they too feel the same way, you're supposed to be happy, right? but why is it so that up till now, something feels missing?
i wanna be there with you, for everything you go through. and not always waiting for that phonecall to come, and for small talk. i need to FEEL you right there next to me, and not just hear you talking.i used to have this belief: that friendship is something that does not need to be reprocicated -- it should be something you give, and not ask for back. isnt that what friends truly mean? to give one's all and ask for nothing in return.
and i did just that. i did my best to spread positivity into other people's lives, trying to make their day brighter jus a little bit. no matter how alone, how desperate, how cold i was, i still did my best to warm up to others. it felt good after a while, when the realisation that you established an invisible bond between yourself and another individual. its like, you find more worth in your existence than ever before. just listening to people rant, or lending a shoulder when they cry, and even laughing at seriously lousy jokes, that can make people happier just for a minute. and it seemed worth it.
and now, here i am thinking thats all bullcrap and i wasted my time. i believed in it for so long, i wanted to prove my dad wrong that people just come and go in our lives. i had believed that no matter what, people would always remember what it was like to have a true friend. even if it was just for a moment.
seems all past tense now. i really hope that im wrong this time, that the truth is people dont value you for what you do, but CHERISH you for what you've done for them. i really want to be happy again. im tired of giving up myself, im tired of doing things without consideration for myself and only about others. im fucking sick and tired of being the one who has to look superficially happy and smile and laugh and in the end, he's all alone drawing circles in the dust in the dark.
maybe tomorrow will be better.
call me okay.