Tuesday, October 28, 2008 @ 11:51 AM
wowa.
what a day.
went to visit zichun at his place in amk. glad to see he's recovering fine and well. lucky man, doesn't need to book in for god knows how long.
we played bball at his place. i played a few matches, and left for YCK station.
i gave my gift to the person i missed most while i was away.
and i was sad.
i went back to the place i missed most since i enlisted. i saw the team which made my jc life fufilling, only they were two years younger. i saw the camaderie, the spirit and the binding strength of friendship.
and i was sad.
i went back to zichun's place only to find they weren't playing anymore.
and i was sad.
we had dinner at some hawker centre which burned my wallet.
and i was sad.
i lost to boon at NBA street.
and i was sad. (okay, not that sad. don't think im a sore loser, im just sad.)
i heard the very thing which i was expecting since i came back from Brunei.
and i was sad.
i recall that i have to book in later at 2130.
and im sad.
i think about dec and the commissioning, and everything that is attributed to it.
and im sad.
i think back about what happened this year, the ups and downs and the people who were a part of my life.
and im sad.
i think about my grand dad who's in hospital.
and im sad.
i think about how deja vu this whole damn thing is. and how ironic that he happens to be the very person i'd least expect (at least in the past) to do this to me.
and im depressed.
i think about where this is going and i see no future, and hell yeah.
im depressed.
now i think about how people don't laugh at my jokes.
im depressed.
i think about how superficial i might have been, and how others might be.
im depressed.
i think about how concern and self-consciousness can lead to resentment and sadness.
i get more depressed.
i think about saturday and the fact that he's going, and i have no idea how to look him in the eye.
i get more depressed.
i realise that there's no one to blame but myself.
i hate myself.
i regret, no i resent myself and my role in this little farce called my life which plays out to be some greek tragedy. but hell, the show must go on.
i realise that i should not be writing these stuff in here, that they're supposed to be feelings and thoughts which i normally lock up within me. but what the heck. im done with writing in a book with empty, blank white pages which im supposed to fill up.
heck. like boss said, wearing a mask to survive.
so i guess this is probably the only true confession of how really feel inside. otherwise, i would be feigning ignorance and pulling a false front of stability. this shall be my only crack, the only fault line -- the only sign of weakness i will show.
do not ask me if i am alright. if i need any help. if i need to talk to someone. that's driving the wedge into the crack.
who you see on the outside is who you get. trust me, you wouldn't want to know the real me. cos that person is nothing but a whirlwind of emotional conflict and confusion he doesn't even know whats real and whats not.
thats my disclaimer to you people out there.
i guess its time for me to leave the picture.
curtain closes on a stage with an empty audience.
Monday, October 27, 2008 @ 8:11 AM
im back from ROC!
a whirlwind of 21 days filled with emotion, exhaustion and whatsoever.
i shall not talk about my experiences in taiwan here, so if you wanna know what i did there then ask me personally yea.
im finally 19! and i wanna thank all the people who wished me a happy happy birthday when i was in taiwan. you people make me special. x)
i guess my taiwan trip has not been exactly fruitful. the task which i set out to accomplish in isolation was not achieved. writing my feelings in that journal i brought did not really help. rather, it reminded me of the pain which im experiencing.
oh wells. you can't have everything in your life.
i must admit, i am quite disappointed.
i miss you.
Monday, October 06, 2008 @ 2:30 AM
okay, my last post before i MIA to taiwan for another 21 days.
today i spent largely at home, except for going out to eastpoint to change my currency and buy my stationery.
was supposed to go out today, but mum asked me to stay at home and rest. im a good boy, so i did.
*sighs*
it feels so surreal that im leaving again. leaving everything behind. home, and all that it encompasses.
i think my iPod is against me, playing all the kind of songs im seriously not in the mood to hear.
im leaving again. this time, i feel even more urges not to.
but then again, even if i stay, what is there for me here?
i have nothing here, and nothing there, nothing which makes me wanna go or stay. im stuck in limbo. feels like i have no place to go anymore.
even town seems like nothing nowadays. going there and walking past and into the shops which im used to being dragged into only makes me an intense sense of longing.
all those memories, all those happy memories; i thought i had. now seem lost and gone, like the fishing line which snapped under too much tension. its like the fish which just nibbled the bait off the hook, leaving the fisherman wondering what he did wrong.
clever fish.
as im typing this im reminded of that time in junior college, when me, wilson and kr would just stone and emo and ponder about this aspect of our lives. why things happen this way, why is love just so unfair.
people dont seem to love each other; superficiality and falseness seem prevalent. who is sincere, and who isn't?
how many people really want to change? or do they say things for the sake of immediate gains.
who actually cares? about you, as a friend, a lover, a husband or wife? or are those expressions of concern devoid of emotion and purity?
all these questions, so many answers.
if i were to write my own story, would these be a part of it? its amazing to see how some writers are able to portray life as so wonderfully perfect.
i recall telling a dear friend about reality, and how to accept it.
i think i forgot to mention that reality is also devoid of compassion. compassion, sincerity and love -- these are the rarities in life which one only finds in the purest of hearts.
what will be different in 21 days?
will the economy have collapsed and we find ourselves on the precipice of the next financial crisis? will the climate have deteriorated so bad people wear face masks to work?
will the development at marina bay progressed so fast the horizon is blocked by buildings and skyscrapers? i spent the time outside the esplanade not studying the construction, but rather what's left of the horizon.
will the people have changed too? maybe my brother can run faster than me by the time im back. maybe couples who are together now would have broken apart. those who are friends today may not be by the time im back.
as i told alford yesterday, my life is in a constant state of flux. it changes constantly, and it hurts just to keep up.
but i told jules that day too, that im gonna be indifferent by the time she comes back. indifferent as compared to the time that i spent in junior college. im going to be the one to inspire and bring joy to others, even at my own expense.
its a good trade-off then. i think so. how else can i possibly survive? im happy when you're happy. and thats enough for me.
okay enough ranting. im gonna go get ready. i suppose im more or less prepared to face the people sending their friends and families off at the airport. that need for that warmth, the final hug and well wishes. things that i probably wont get.
but its okay. i suppose its asking too much of life to have all the good things. so i shall be content with what i have, with what i had, with who i am.
take care, people. take care, you.
i guess i won't be here for you now. but you'll be fine. you always were, even when i wasn't there.
the survivors creed: "for one to survive, one must die.."
Sunday, October 05, 2008 @ 6:11 AM
today is a good day.
its not everyday that i get to meet up with my two bros, alford and patrick. the reminiscing of our times in jc and all the crazy stuff we did.
we met up at orchard, and we were appalled by the weather. it was pouring outside. reminded me of brunei. so we decided to walk around wisma and taka until the weather died down. but we couldn't find anything to do so pat decided to go pass his mum a pair of specs. we made our way to Forum, which included a 50m dash in the rain. haha.
we were soaked and practically froze in Borders. i think im gonna fall sick again. we had lunch at Modestos. haha not a bad place for a date! hahaha.
we went back to taka to sit at coffee bean. and we talk cock. talk about everything sia. eh actually, mainly about girls lah.
cos of patrick! haha. oh well. dont worry my man, when we're back from taiwan we shall put our plans into motion. hahaha.
man, it was just great chilling with my bros in town. it was just like studying in school or amk library -- without the studying! haha.
had dinner with my parents at the Fuurin at Laguna. my dad ordered alot today, so i ate alot today. and the sake was exquiste. haha.
it just feels great spending time with my friends and family. it simply makes me really happy.
i came home last night and my dad asked me why i was smiling and why i was so happy. i guess my friends are really my distraction from all my work and stress. thats why my friends are so important to me. especially those who really understand and care about me. they play key roles in my life; they are like my foundation stones.
can't imagine living without them.
can't imagine living without you.
Friday, October 03, 2008 @ 8:36 AM
i was just reading through the previous posts i had since i started this blog. i realize this blog is full of rantings. all my sorrow, happiness and anger poured into this page.
and i see myself. how is daryl different from the person he was 2 years ago?
and i guess the answer is: nothing.
im still the same old person i was. what is different then?
my environment. i now live in surroundings which demand self-sufficiency and independence, much unlike the past where i could always rely on friends and family. emotionally i had my friends there to lend a shoulder or share their warmth when i needed them.
now, in the army, emotions are invalid. they are irrelevant, as long as you make a moral and rational decision. i guess thats why i seem so distant and withdrawn. why i seem so serious all the time and no longer possess that "fun factor" in me.
but i think im no different, just that probably im lacking in the proper stimuli to bring out those aspects of me. all the crazy things i did and silly things i say to make people smile, they're still in me.
deep down inside, beneath all these layers, im still the big softie i was. and i will always be.
im trying hard to find back the person i was. to be honest, id prefer him because life seems so much more fun with him. the current me doesnt have a particularly enjoyable life because the foundations of that life are crumbling.
and so here i am. a bricklayer of my own; im trying to build back who i was. and slowly but surely ill finish building my house, for my own persona.
i dont wanna lose anyone else.
@ 7:04 AM
i think i know.
at least, i thought i did. i thought i knew what i was doing, that i was in control.
now i realize, im merely another character in a twisted play to see how i revolve around other people.
i know that you're complaining behind my back.the things which i do, the things which i say. always seem to be the wrong things -- adverse reactions seem to surround me.
im losing my confidence and myself.
i just wish you would turn around and wait for me to catch up.
i miss the old days. i miss the old you.