Thursday, November 30, 2006 @ 4:01 AM
oh god.. my laptop is screwed. shit. the whole thing cant startup, stuck at the "welcome" screen. oh shit.. i have a lot of documents i need inside. goddamn.
irritating people gets on my nerves. period.
im in a damn bad mood.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006 @ 7:17 AM
what is it about us lazy people who cannot wake up on time? i cant believe its the third day running i woke up to switch off my alarm and go back to sleep. argh.
did a bit of my holiday homework in the morning. i did a few binomial sums and realised that my math file in still in my locker in school. i have to go get it back, 'cause the deadline for locker clearance is this friday. so maybe i will go down tomorrow or friday. i probably have to go down on friday anyway, so might as well.
training today. argh. i had to finish my routine in two halves today. gosh. i dont know why my first half of the routine is so darn tiring. its not fair. the second half is relatively easier, and quicker. oh gosh.
i have to start my own self-training. im gonna start with PT everyday. regular gym visits, during driving range trips. how about this: pushups, situps, back flex, squats, calf raises. weight training at the gym. oh yeah and not forgetting to stretch everyday. im still aiming for splits. hahah. but its difficult when you dont have someone to help push you. gotta train hard. argh.
im confused. they're telling me to go for it. but how does a person in my situation start? oh god. ill bet those feelings we once shared are gone, cast into the skies and beyond. thats for your part at least. mine are still here, with me. they were always here, with me. and i doubt they're gonna go away soon. someone help me. SOS.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006 @ 6:16 AM
went to school to do the banner design. or so i thought. i waited in the library, reading, until daniel called. afterwhich i proceeded to amk. saw serena and my(and her's i suppose) friend from cchms mugging! they make me feel so ashamed i havent really started on my homework. anyway, jiayou! work hard for promotional exams!
came home to study. i actually managed to finish my current of electricity notes, and chemical equilibrium. quite an accomplishment, looking back at the past few weeks.
i think today i struck a good balance. really good. i guess when you get the ball rolling, things start to go smoothly. workwise, i meant. yeah, when it gets down real deep, no great amount of work or stress can bring it away. during the ogl briefing on saturday mr cheng mentioned that he told his councillors that the best way to cope with stress is a heavy workload. work keeps you preoccupied, i guess, but the stress is never eliminated. working with a heavy heart. jeez. i pity the councillors.
saw something today. i dont know if i should be happy, or if i should be sad. is it a mere coincidence? maybe its fated. fate. im beginning to hate that word. resigned to fate, i am. but every once in a while fate plays its cruel hand. im too confused. again, dammit.
it would seem so shallow. is heaven giving me another chance? oh how i wish you knew. a long time ago, we talked about intuition. how it leads and changes and directs our emotions. where has that gone?
do i still have a chance? my feelings have never wavered. i still stand here, waiting. forever waiting. oh, how i wish you know my feelings for you. are you sitll there? you seem so distant now. so near, yet so far.. yes. truly. you are beyond my reach.
Monday, November 27, 2006 @ 6:35 AM
another day wasted, rotting into time.
no, no. i cant believe i actually did it. i feel terrible now.
go away, you. dont see me in shame.
Sunday, November 26, 2006 @ 7:12 AM
i woke up too late to eat breakfast. gosh. i cant imagine a morning without food. i cant imagine a life without food. not having food is like.. sylvester without tweety. can u imagine sylvester without tweety?? omg.
chionged marvel ultimate alliance until lunch. slack and read the afternoon, with some james bond show intervals.
after dinner i went back to chiong my xbox again. until now.
gotta buck up. i keep telling myself this, and still i cannot persist to have the ability to withstand temptation to slack off. slacking. its a word i despise, yet i embrace shamelessly. i despise it, yet i cannot resist. jeez. i feel so useless.
my mind is clearer these days. i seem to have woken up from the dreams and hazy thoughts which clouded my mind. i think i have gotten over the realisation that things never go the way they seem. it is fated, i guess. fated to be this way. many people dont believe in fate. not that i do. i am forced to acknowledge that perhaps, this is a better choice. for both our sakes. perhaps, i am destined to be in my circumstance.
i resign myself to my fate. i can only force myself to see my flaws and acknowledge them, not shrivel in shame when i have to face them. i have not the courage yet to face my fears, to embrace my weaknesses, to conquer my ownself. i need the strength to carry on. i feel drained, weakened. somehow, being happy isnt enough.
Saturday, November 25, 2006 @ 6:13 AM
whee! another round of surveys and personality tests. this time is kope from alford's blog.
im officially back after a week of absence from my laptop. woot. here goes:
Your Dominant Intelligence is Logical-Mathematical Intelligence |
You are great at finding patterns and relationships between things.Always curious about how things work, you love to set up experiments.You need for the world to make sense - and are good at making sense of it.You have a head for numbers and math ... and you can solve almost any logic puzzle. You would make a great scientist, engineer, computer programmer, researcher, accountant, or mathematician. |
Your Birthdate: October 24 |
You understand people well and are a natural born therapist.A peacemaker, people always seem to get along when you are around.You tend to be a father or mother figure to friends, even to those older than you.You enjoy your role, and you find that you are close to many people. Your strength: Your devotion Your weakness: Reliance on others for happiness Your power color: Lilac Your power symbol: Heart Your power month: June |
went for OGL briefing today. played a bit of bball before the briefing. afterwhich met kr and took train with him. we complained about one person the whole ride. ahahahah.
oh yeah, im in the descendant called Ferox, and my ancient is Cheetah. goodness. this thing sounds so lame all of a sudden. lol. anyway, gotta find a time to meet up with my OG and do the proposal for the banner. woot. i thought i left the banner designing behind with my brief council days. oh well. here goes nothing.
dont vent yourself on others. its hurting. learn to take things in your stride, take things like a man. just one problem, and the whole world is at fault? please. you're better than that. being a cynic and sarcastic wont solve your problems. you will only make more enemies. please, i implore you. please stop this now. before it becomes too late. you are just a matter of self-fufilling prophecy.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006 @ 6:04 PM
now is the only time i have to update this blog, as i think i cant use the computer at night. oh well.
cant wait to get back home on saturday. i finally got my xbox games! woohoo~ and kor kor was so nice as to buy for me 2 more, free! hahah. oh yeah!
had training yesterday, and i worked hard! (i think). i am so darn tired that setting the alarm at 830am today was a waste of battery. i went back to sleep immediately after turning it off. i woke up again at 9, and then back to sleep again. its like something keeps telling me to wake up, and then i ignore it and go back to sleep. i only woke up 15mins ago. it was worth it. (:
going to catholic high later. gonna get thrashed sia. haiz. still dunno why jiao lian want us to exchange with them lah. all gonna tiu lian. hahah. i hope my changquan still okay lah. i also learned not too long ago that yousheng is also gonna compete changquan! that is one more friend competing with me! omg. my chances of getting a medal are already slim, and now its like taking Slim 10, got liver failure! (pun intended.)
ahh tired beyond anything lah. hopefully when it comes to the chalet i still can tahan. hahah.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006 @ 12:25 AM
going back to school was a waste of time, just went there to settle role for the track meet and watch the bball guys train only. went to play pool with alford at kpool, kena thrashed again. haiz. some things just dont go right when you want them to. oh well. i can improve.
gonna go watch casino royale tonight, but i dont mind watching again with my friends. afterall, tonight's show is free. haha.
met ryan on the train on the way home. he was going to town, go play play. ahahah. go on date more like it lah. haha. yeah also met zhijue on the train. woot.
training tomorrow. but i think i will go down to ah gong's place to get my xbox games first, then meet up with the wushu people at hougang.
guess i have to stone here at toa payoh until this week is over. maybe i can get some work done. argh, everyone else is at chalet or outside. goddamn.
the heart does not change its inclination so easily. its like tree roots, digging deep into the fertile earth like steel spokes through soft mud. the rain falls, making the weather cool and relaxing. but once the dark clouds part, and sun shines through the sky; the mud dries and solidifies. the once free and loose roots are now entrenched deep into the ground, never to be uprooted again. and when the earth loses its potency, the minerals and fertility washed away by the eroding climate, and there is no more worth left for the heart, it is unable to move. firmly stuck in the dying ground, it withers and fades; once deep red petals falling to the ground, turning into grey white ash as the wind dissolves it. the dead heart, dies with the earth it has formed a symbiotic relationship with. fate, plays its cruel hand.
Monday, November 20, 2006 @ 7:11 AM
they're leaving tomorrow, my heart is heavy. its seems so sentimental that the lack of seeing my family for a week makes me feel down.
i have nothing to do tomorrow. absolutely nothing. someone, please jio me out. oh god.
Sunday, November 19, 2006 @ 7:02 AM
another personality test, this time found oh zhutou's (allena's) blog. ahahah. this time the report is super long. check the test out at
http://personaldna.comanyway here are the test results:
You are a CreatorYour imagination, confidence, willingness to explore, and appreciation of beauty make you a CREATOR.
You are independent, and you enjoy your self-sufficiency.
Defying convention, you are very innovative, and you have a vivid imagination.
The look of things is important to you, and you have a keen eye for aesthetic beauty in multiple arenas.
You have a strong interest in what is new and exciting—and that includes forging ahead with new ideas, not simply discovering what is already out there.
Your eagerness to seek new and varied experiences leads you into many different situations.
You're not set on one way of doing things, and you are creative when it comes to finding novel solutions to complex problems.
You trust yourself to be innovative and resourceful.
Your confidence allows you to take your general awareness and channel it into creativity.
You're not one to force your positions on a group, and you tend to be fair in evaluating different options.
You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.
You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.
If you want to be different:
Appreciate the earthly, practical elements of things—there is beauty in form as well.
While you are good at thinking abstractly, focusing on details a bit more may help you discover things about the world.
how you relate to othersYou are Advocating
Being social, empathic, and understanding makes you ADVOCATING.
Some people find being around others exhausting—but not you! You are energized by spending time with friends, and you are good at meeting new people.
One of the reasons you enjoy conversation as much as you do is that you often learn about yourself while talking things out with a friend; you realize things about your own beliefs while discussing them with others.
You have insight into what others are thinking and feeling. This ability allows you to be happy for others, and to commiserate when something has gone wrong for them.
You are highly compassionate, and being conscious of how things affect those close to you leaves you cautious about trusting others too hastily.
Despite these reservations, you are open-minded when it comes to your worldview; you don't look to impose your ways on others.
Your sensitivity towards others' plights contributes to an understanding—both intellectual and emotional—of many different perspectives.
As someone who understands the complexities of the world around you, you are reluctant to pass judgments.
You're not one to force your positions on a group, and you tend to be fair in evaluating different options.
You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.
You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.
If you want to be different:
While it's important to think about others, don't forget to take some time for yourself, and occassionally to put yourself first.
Take some time to spend with a few close friends; although it's difficult to find people to trust, it's worth the effort.
When you have great ideas, it can be hard to relinquish control, but it can also feel good to take the pressure off and enjoy someone else leading the way.
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woot! this one is damn accurate. should really check it out.
tml is a big day. im gonna finally start on my holiday homework (i hope).
i suppose i do not have the luxuries that other people experience, be it money, or freedom, being loved and held by those you love. i still must be happy with my current circumstance. there are millions of people out there who have more worries, and more pressing worries, than my currents problems.
yes, there is no cure for ailment of the heart, but in this case, ignorance is bliss. i want to thank hwee teng and all my those who have encouraged me thus far. you have given me strength to carry on, even though i may not last for long.
teng: things will work out eventually. chuan dao chiao tou zi ran zhi. i hope things get much better for you. (:
i may be wrong, i may be right. there was never connection between us. it is never over, as it never started. the memories, they were a sham; fakes implanted in my mind by a false image i never took the courage to acknowledge. instead, i hid under my blanket; the delusion of this, this black and white image to vividly painted. i saw colours where there was none -- i accepted hope where it was never there.its gone, this pain. i cast it away, into the sea. i wrote on the beach, like i thought we did so long ago, and i see it washed away by the evening tide. the sun sets, bringing an epilogue into this story, this tale, this dream. when i wake up, i will not -- i do not -- want to remember.
Saturday, November 18, 2006 @ 6:54 AM
i was spared the agony of waking up early again today. thanks to brendan, who didnt want to go to grandma's house after his school. i expected his call home at about 10am, but it never came and at 1130, i started to worry. he only called home close to 12! goodness. well at least he could come home himself meaning i didnt need to leave the house. (:
went to driving range to practice golf tonight. it was the second time i practiced for a while and it sucked. dad said im still hitting up, which is wrong. gosh. afterwhich i tried his "sideways" thing and in the end i was hitting too hard. argh gotta get my touch back. short irons were okay, but once i started on the 5, oh well things went quite badly. ahaha.
next week is gonna be packed! i only have monday and sunday free. tuesday to saturday are all filled with activities. class meeting on tuesday, training on wednesday, exchange prog on thursday, SL on friday, OGL briefing on saturday. woot. i must get prepared for next week, mentally and physically. at least it will help me keep my mind off things.
Home is behind
The world ahead.
And there are many paths to tread.
Through shadow,
To the edge of night
Until the stars are all alight
Mist and shadow
Cloud and shade
All shall fade
All shall.. fade.
Friday, November 17, 2006 @ 6:55 AM
woke up late again. but this time with a splitting headache. i have got to sleep earlier nowadays. i do not want to be late when school reopens.
nothing much today, except damn sian again. alamak.
oh yeah! the obs people came back today! welcome home guys!
yeah, its you again. goddamn, why does it always have to be you? GET OUT OF MY HEAD.
Thursday, November 16, 2006 @ 5:32 AM
i did a quiz found on nyuk min's blog. actually, this was mentioned not too long ago by the wushu people, just that i didnt bother checking out. here are the results:
Your view on yourself:You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?
Your views on education:Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.
How do you view success:You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.
Who is your true self:You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.
lol. its quite accurate eh? only the part about me being attractive. EVERYONE knows that is not true haha.
overslept and missed physics lecture today. good thing, as the lect was only an hour and half, not the four hours they told us it would be. i gotta work harder, i feel as though im lagging behind on studies. no, im not muggin, nor am i a nerd. i just succumb to peer pressure.
found this tuition centre called caravan. seemed quite good, and im going down on monday to check it out. even junxin is signing up for it! haha. must be quite good eh?
managed to study Current of Electricity today. finished all the way after potential difference.
i have to catch up with my typing for xiao jiu. i think he needs it quick.
i cant help but regret my actions. i was foolish enough to believe that i could forget everything. i am truly a fool.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006 @ 7:06 AM
now my eyes are open. not that i really miss it but, i suppose ive been excluded blatantly from ms tay's wedding. not that its important, but it really shows and tells me something. oh god. this is so hurting to know that im practically a pain in the ass to these people. and i thought we were friends. maybe its my delusion, maybe we were never friends. i should have realised it all along. i had never fit in. yeah go ahead, ostracize me all you want. im sick of this shit. at least now i know how some people really feel.
to make things worse, the msn messenger is failing me. every message i send seems to be unable to be delivered. fuck it lah.
had training today. it was damn tiring, since we had not trained since the exam period. but then again, we were slacking the whole way so who cares?
thats it, i've had enough of this. im seriously pissed off. i dont know to be sad, or angry at those kind of people who outcast others. i have had it with your silence, with your apathy, and i have had it with this world.
fuckers.
tonight its not about you. it was never about you. goddamn it. life is painful enough without this problem adding to it. it was a mistake trusting anyone. i cant trust anyone anymore. i dont know how.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006 @ 3:57 AM
im back after a night of absence to update on yesterday's events.
stayed at home until after lunch, then went down to jurong east for kbox with aaron, supei, melissa and gan min. mel and gan min were late so we decided to start first. finally, aaron is singing. and pigs are gonna drop from the sky. such a rare event, all caught on photo. as usual, mel and gan min owned the house with their singing. alright, i
zao xia for a few songs lah. im probably rusty already. haha.
went down to jurong point afterward, where we went hunting for birthday presents and met up with gan min's boyfriend. originally, we were supposed to makan dinner together, but then again, we dont wanna be lightbulb(s) so left and went our seperate ways. pigs are cute! what a way to relive the memories. heh.
on the way back, mel was talking to this guy called Hanger on the phone for the whole trip. still dare to say that she doesnt like him. haiz. this sort of thing is so obvious lah girl, like its written on your face. haha. no point hiding de. anyway, talked to Hanger for a while, he seemed nice but doesnt like mean guys. ahaha. im not mean, im honest. (:
instead of going back to his place, me and aaron went for pool! the uncle at monstercue was really nice, giving us 25% discount because we were students! haha. played for 2 hours. i only managed to get my touch back in the 2nd hour. haha. need more practice.
stayed over at aaron's place for the night. we originally planned to have a movie marathon but he was so tired that he fell right asleep not long after the first movie started. haha.
woke up late, had brunch at aaron's place, then went home. oh yeah, grabbed coffee bean on the way. the new peppermint mocha ice blended is absolutely heavenly. perfect for a warm and moody day.
now on to today.
did nothing much, stoned at the computer and listened to my music. thats about it. oh yeah, im gonna start studying soon. tonight, i hope.
i made it through. although it was painful, i made it through. seeing you walk through the door, i was momentarily content. do you know how i feel? i guess not. its too late for me, i guess. too late to get it back, too late for me to say im sorry, too late for me to ask why; what had happened to us? i thought we were happy. i thought we were content. i know i was. have i been led on? by the nose, scents entrailing me so seductive yet potently lethal. i guess i meant nothing to you. i have lost confidence in myself as a person being able to maintain a relationship. i have lost the faith that i had -- i no longer stride forth confidently, purposefully. purpose? purpose used to revolve around you. now, its all gone. i feel worthless, discarded, unwanted.marc, i know if you see this you're gonna scold me again. im sorry. but its the truth. the cold hard truth.truth is, i dont even know myself anymore.
Sunday, November 12, 2006 @ 5:36 AM
all i can say is..
courts salesmarketing people are damn persuasive. now i got the zen v plus instead of my zen microphoto. damn. it was out of stock and i was considering waiting another time. gosh. i dont know how that guy did, but he damn well did, and now i own a snazzy black and blue zen v plus 4GB. gosh. im still amazed. talk about product marketing.
i wont mention what had happened earlier, in the afternoon during tuition. i decided that i will forget that incident and let things go by. im not entirely not at fault either, so, amnesia is the best path to take for now.
i sense some hostility in the air. i dont want things to go wrong for both of you. i cant believe some of the things people say to each other when they're mad. i cant believe myself either. please keep things steady? i hope i will come home and see a happy scene on tuesday. oh gosh. i dont know, but, im so.. afraid.
talk about the big day. i guess tomorrow is the test. the one no one can mugg for. lets see if my throat still holds out.
Saturday, November 11, 2006 @ 5:14 AM
dashed hopes again today. by the weather. could've went down to courts at toa payoh to buy it, but the rain was so heavy that dad didnt want to. argh. hopefully, hopefully please, tomorrow we can go down to tampines mall to get it. for crying out loud.
ive changed my choice from the zen v plus to the zen micro vision. the extra 4GB for $40 seems more worth the money. furthermore, i think its more user friendly than the zen v plus. so its settled. tomorrow is the big day. im literally bursting with excitement.
im gonna start studying again tomorrow. since i have tuition, might as well use it as a boost to get me started. enough of stoning at the laptop and waiting for my downloads to finish.
anyone know where to buy books from Blue Moon publishings? the books are.. oh god. so suited for me. XD
wonder whether monday will turn out to be fun. i dont know why, but i have a kinda bad feeling that somehow, one way or another, it will fuck up. or maybe its just me. depressing huh.
i gotta get another computer game. and im still waiting for my xbox games! argh. i want my fifa. come quick please! oh yeah which reminds me i still owe kor kor $60? looks like i have to shave off the spending. and im going out for 2 consecutive days in a row, monday and tuesday.
not forgetting training on wednesday, lessons on thurs. argh.
im.. lost..
Friday, November 10, 2006 @ 5:59 AM
another wasted day. didnt manage to do anything constructive.
my hopes of getting my zen v plus today was dashed when i went to united square. the electronics shop is a bloody small shop which sold only televisions and a couple of dvd players. argh my high hopes was lost.
been moody whole day, pissed everyone off, got pissed off by everyone. i gotta get a better life.
i wanna buy books. i really do. gotta get the cash first.
thinking about monday means i was thinking about you. what am i gonna do on monday? im filled with both anticipation and fear when i think about it. i hope i dont live to regret my decision twice. better dead than full of regret. i had enough.
Thursday, November 09, 2006 @ 7:05 AM
op exam today, so i woke up extra early to reach school by 7. the alarm rang at 530, but somehow i still was late. fell asleep countless times on the train today, so much so that people didnt wanna sit next to me! XD ah well all the more space for me..
i was kinda nervous before the op started. omg the first speaker of the first group was quite
zai lah! made me more scared! worried that they will pull my marks down.. but then again lucky got moderator for the first group. the presentation went rather smoothly, i didnt miss any cues from the slides, and didnt stumble during my part. first time after all the rehearsals, got it right at the last minute.
i got lucky during q&a, the questions posed to me were about my original part in the proposal. i guessed the question that mr chan asked me! haha.
im happy that PW is finally over, but then again, looking back at the year full of project work, it was truly enjoyable memories. i will miss AJ026, with my heart, the times we spent crapping (actually tat was ALL the times) and doing research. the ideas, the meetings, meals, rehearsals..
it has become such a quintessential part of my JC life that it seems wrong without it. thank you AJ026, for all these pleasant memories. we have finally managed to overcome the odds and successfully complete the project. i believe we can get a band 1 next year! *whoosh!*
not forgetting all those people who have helped us in one way or another, thank you. this would not have come off well without you.
am i turning apathetic? i really feel numb, i cant feel any sympathy, anger, joy in things now. all i can feel is frustration. why do i feel this way? what is the root cause of all this irritation? its a bone in my throat in cant dislodge. do i set targets too high? is that why im frustrated? pissed off at myself, and the people around me.
im sorry if i seem like a total asshole nowadays, i promise ill try to change. ill try my best to change.
no, its not because of you. do you even know about this part of my posts? the part where i can completely divulge my feelings without saying it behind a mask; a white faceless mask. that empty white space is where i transmute what i want people to see. i am a hypocrite onto myself, and i cant help myself. i really cannot imagine people seeing me, in my true form. i am scarred, disfigured. do you want to see that part of me? people will start leaving my side if i do. will they? i truly dont know. i do not know what to cherish, what to call true, what is everlasting and eternal. but one thing is sure. LOVE IS NEVER ETERNAL.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006 @ 6:36 AM
had op SDL in school today, quite uneventful until she came along. with all her temper and rage and OH IM SO PISSED OFF THAT YOU HAVE TO WAIT FOR ME face. pulled an arthur, she did.
if you dont believe me, you might as well not believe all those people who came in with MCs. you had no stand not to believe us, no matter how ridiculous our reason was. the fact is, you were just there to vent yourself on us. oh oh oh.. using profanities eh? i believe that is violation of the code of conduct? better watch yourself in school, no one will miss you if you're gone.played bball until got sunburn. >.<
chiong op until wanna die le. >.<
downloaded southpark! (:
Tuesday, November 07, 2006 @ 8:15 AM
was at IMH to do Service Learning. arrived early, met patrick who was the earliest. me, alford and patrick went there early to slack. we sat in the air-con cafeteria and took pictures (of ourselves) until they arrived.
i have a lot of reflections to do today.
i went to IMH hoping that i would be able to take the iniative in interacting with the patients. i wanted to understand the true meaning of SL. these were the 2 objectives i had set for myself today. i shall retell todays events in chronological order.
we were given a single glove, a pen, a notepad and a cap. oh and not forgetting our ever important gardening tool. we basically just had to replant those shoots into the ground. it took no time at all, and i suppose that the class enjoyed the publicity! haha canaan, patrick, ZL and sidney got interviewed! i think mr mok also tio, but im not very sure. haha.
i failed to accomplish my first objective. i failed to take the iniative to speak to the patients. unlike people like weilie, serena, daniel xu etc., i had been unable to do something useful. i promise, that the next activity organised by the class leaders, will be more eventful and i will take the initiative to lead the class in service learning.
service learning. what is SL? is it just a normal CIP? just helping out as facilitators?
i realised that service learning is more than just a CIP. take it literally -- service, learning. service to the community through learning. by doing a service to the community, we learn lessons. it is also a form of LEARNING. if nothing is learnt from each session, the time has been wasted. i look back at today's activity, and i feel regret. i regret, that i did not put in my fullest and partake in the activity with the passion to serve.
service. i think that is important as it teaches us humility. no matter where we stand in society, our careers and financial status, it is important that we learn that we are all equal. regardless of whether the persons are disabled, or mentally impaired, all people have equivalent rights and status in the world. the humility to stop and help those who need it, is a boon. truly, those who are able to serve the community this way, deserve our outmost respect.
nothing to say today. im too tired, too tired to do this tonight. i hope i wasnt talking rubbish earlier. gonna slp now. lights out.
Monday, November 06, 2006 @ 6:45 AM
op rehearsals again.. spent fours in school wasting time. was late for lunch with aaron and supei, but then again i should have left those two alone.. like damn lightbulb. haha. they didnt wait for me for lunch! haha. but when i went there, supei was still eating and i finished MY meal faster than her. (:
went to cineleisure cafe cartel for lunch, afterwhich we went to the 8th floor. we couldnt decide -- kbox or kpool? in the end we took kpool because it was more worth our money. ( even though the rates were quite high ). played for an hour, then had a first hand experience of real life drama when aaron tried to get her to go his place! haha. really make me dunno what to say le.. haha.
managed to get my jedi academy back! (:
i look at those 2 and cannot help but reflect on my own situation. ( which is actually quite minor, thats why im so pissed. ) oh yeah, and takashimaya doesnt have an electronics department, argh! now cannot buy my Zen V Plus with taka vouchers.. Grr.
tomorrow going to IMH for SL, hopefully we learn something, as a class. i believe that we all could use some learning.
new handshake! learnt it from the covenant, the only thing useful that come out of the show.
thinking of you is too painful, seeing you with another is too scarring. i never had the courage to ask you a question. probably the most meaningful, yet meaningless question which could possibly come to my mind. why? why did you do what you did, despite all other circumstances and my feelings for you? i just cannot understand. i told you everything, down to each feeling i had for you, that seemingly miraculous night, where everything came true. it was my fairytale, sentimental as it may seem, and its walls came crashing down upon me, and when i looked afar, you were riding away into the night. deserter? mutineer? or am i just too despisable?
Sunday, November 05, 2006 @ 5:17 AM
i woke up the latest, when everyone had already finished their breakfast and were literally waiting for me so that they could clear up. so paiseh.. so i finished eating quickly. everyone went out today -- my grandaunt and aunt went touring around my relatives' places, with my mum as a tour guide. no transport included, service tax exempt. my dad had to attend his relative's funeral ( his mother's cousin's husband passed away ). my sister went to her friend's house to do her salad project. that left me and my bro at home. we went to catch the covenant.
on the way home, i paid for my bro's haircut and went to redeem an optical mouse from Challenger. its not a Razor, but it works better than that balding red dot on the laptop.
came home and watched the 9 ball tour with my dad and stoned. what a waste of time indeed.
weekends are boring if you cant go out i guess.
i feel so isolated from you, why wont you tell me things like you always do? this gap is widening between us; like a crack in the ground which grew into a crevice. this ravine is deep; endlessly black. i can only see myself distancing from you as the gap grows; the bleak skies and torrential rain streaked with while lightning. suddenly im no longer on the ground, im falling through the air. i see myself falling, faster and faster, until i see your face. i fall down towards you; you reach out to embrace me. i get nearer and nearer, until i completely phase and pass through you. falling into you, falling through you. im past you now, heading towards.. nothing.
Saturday, November 04, 2006 @ 7:10 AM
enjoyed waking up late today, as i didnt need to go to school for op rehearsals. howard and cuishan couldnt make it because of ccas, so i was spared the agony of the one hour journey to YCK. in a way, though it seems wrong, thanks to howard and cuishan! haha.
spent the morning playing xbox, and it was BORING. nothing new to play, no
xing xian gan. played anyway, thrashed them all, and didnt get any satisfaction from it. managed to study (OMG) after lunch, finished maclaurins series. its like the grandfather of all expansions and series! really, should go take a look. its quite interesting beneath all those complex equations and stuff. omg, what am i saying?
went to my grandaunt's new place at sengkang for housewarming. the estate is damn big man. i went downstairs to look for my grandfather, who was apparently lost, and got lost myself. i couldnt believe it. and i kept running into this malay teenage punk on a kiddy bike who thought he was so cool that he gave retarded faces as he rode by. yeah, he rode by on a kiddy bike like a zillion times. i really wanted to give him a sock in the face, but then hey, im a nice guy. i merely said, " do i know you? ". afterwhich he gave me a REAL retarded look. haha. anyway, the food wasnt that fantastic, and it got quite boring after a while. but there was like an unlimited supply of those chocomint sweets that i kept taking. ah well, there is a silver lining to everything i guess.
my grandaunt and her daughter ( also my aunt ) from china are staying over at my place tonight. i couldnt even recognise my aunt, it was so long ago.
haha, my sister asked me to train her stamina! wah, i was so shocked! anyway, i asked her to start tomorrow morning! but then she said when school holidays start.. haha. anyway, i gotta get started on MY training. before i get hantamed by coach when training resumes. and not forgetting PFT next year. target: SILVER. ( tmd blardy pull ups.. )
lonely, im so lonely.i have nobody, to call my own.im on an island, stranded by others, living on coconuts. (okay that sounded wrong)
the seawater is my friend, the sharks my ally. the enemy -- is my ownself.
Friday, November 03, 2006 @ 2:36 AM
chinese a lvl paper today.. what else more can i say? i already put in my best effort, now all i can do is pray for the best. it wasnt too hard and it wasnt too easy. im not sure about getting back an A. i think i screwed up my essay. wrote about people sending rice lol. ah well. lets hope the marker is an angmoh.
been home the rest of the day, playing com, reading Deathnote, watching Star Wars, playing com.. kinda boring after a while.
mum asked me which mp3 player i wanted today! i was so happy. actually, she didnt ask me directly, but more like, " eh, this is cheap wad.. " haha. ah well, i think they agreed to get me one already. no major objections when i asked for the Zen V Plus. Maybe because im paying about a hundred bucks of my share. ah well. better than nothing. and its also better than leaving that money in plain sight, cos sooner or later im gonna spend it.
some bastard ice cream selling teenagers came to try and sell today. at first i didnt want to buy, so i went downstairs to REJECT them. when i opened the door, they were no where in sight, but i hear one of them saying: " bang their gate lah ". afterwhich i heard ( and literally saw ) this punk shaking the gate of my neighbour. just because they were not at home i think. eh u fucking teenage punk wannabes, i got your
friggin photos, and im gonna give them to my neighbour. whether they call the police is up to them man. hope i dont see ya in the newspapers. for trying to sell ice cream. wonder why Walls wanna hire them anyway. assholes.
oh god im damn hungry. wonder where everybody went?
there is op rehearsal in school tomorrow. then i gotta chiong home for my grandaunt's housewarming at sengkang. THEN, another grandaunt and my aunt is staying over at our place. i wonder if they'll fit.. ah well. haha.
oh well, i had a good day of rest.
this laptop is scary. i leave it for 2 hours on, and when i came back, the screen was black. i could see faint outlines of the programs, but thats it. i tried to reboot, and same thing. i had to unplug the power supply and turn it on. i think it overheated. shit. and i had this barely a month. better not screw up on me.
amazing. an accomplishment. a whole day went by without me thinking about you. about me. about us. maybe that's because i was too preoccupied? maybe because ive gotten over you? nah. if i had, i wouldnt be writing this. no, i haven. but im on my way there. and when i do reach there, only then, truly, really, be at peace. and ever more ALONE.
Thursday, November 02, 2006 @ 6:09 AM
pon school today, cause it was a friggin' waste of time to go anyway. who would want to go and spend 4 hours just listening to people explain their project for the upteenth time? if you ask me, i would rather stay at home to study for chinese tomorrow. which i did, incidentally. (:
study, my ass. i did nothing but study. practically stoned at this laptop or read Deathnote online. i finished reading the stories in the textbook, but then again, how much help could that be? oh god, hopefully i dont screw up tomorrow's exam. i wonder how much help it would be if i tried to cram chinese essays into 15 minutes? haha. it worked during the promos.
i hate hypocrites. i hate it when they speak, because every sentence is a contradiction. their own words criticize themselves, they're unable to communicate with others because they have no logical train of thought. to me, hypocrites are WEAK, WORTHLESS and PATHETIC. they are driven to extreme situtations which force them to implement their last resort, and unconsciously, expose themselves to be the ultimate liar. what is worse, perhaps, is that their condition was not influenced by external parties. they are what they are, and what is beneath the dense thing you call a head is truly primitive.
i cant stand liars either. i cant stand the people who lie just to fit in, or to seem cool; with the flow. they concoct lies out of nothing, and put them in a situation where it would seem perfectly normal. they have no idea, that homosapiens possess an organ called the BRAIN, and are very likely to use it. they have no idea, that their lies are overly transparent and that anything with two legs can see through it. they have no idea, do they? none at all..
oh god just shut up. just shut up.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006 @ 7:01 AM
had GP lecture today. it was better than normal, the lecturer was good ( the only one ) and seemed nice. physics started on gravitation, and alford starting talking about some theory abou the universe not getting pulled into gravity, or something like that. op rehearsal sucked, our coordination was terrible ( mostly my fault ), and im sorry guys.
chinese a levels on friday! i cant believe that its so fast. im at a loss at how to study for it. all i can do now is read and read. does it really help? i just wonder. its too late, i guess, to think about all these now. all i can hope for is the best, and that we'll all survive this final test. just think, a few more days and i will not have another chinese examination for the rest of my life (if i pass, that is. )
i dont know what to make of it. voices telling me this and that, leading me by a hook in my heart; pulling me around. im moving in circles; i cant interpret what im supposed to understand. why can my thoughts move in circles? they revolve around the same few people. i dont know what is wrong, maybe im being overly-sensitive. i should have realised that im perfectly hopeless at what i do, failure at this sort of thing is just part and parcel of my life. really, truly, hopeless, i am. i look around, and i see happiness in others. i go out, see people go in pairs, and i feel so alone. oh why does testosterone ( did i spell it right? )
have to fuck up our lives? if only we didnt feel this way, we would be happier? i feel worse when other people dont cherish what they have, or what they used to have. i mean, i have my own fucking problems and you're not making it any better. talk about digging the wound deeper.