Tuesday, September 30, 2008 @ 8:58 AM
ive been away too long, and too long for my own good.
time can do many things to a man. every minute you waste in your life is irreplaceable. the things you could have done, the time you could have wisely spent.
each time i leave my life behind, i feel as though im torn from it; my absence is an empty part of me. a hole which i cannot replace.
each time i come back i see things are different. the landscape, the places, the people. and people change faster than the technology in our 21st century. not that change is bad, (and im not saying its fantastic either) but the fact that im not there to witness it makes me feel uneasy.
i hate being left out; being the loner in the group. im someone who cannot survive without others. my interdependency becomes my strength as well as my weakness. and i suppose not many people can understand that.
i suppose im incomprehensible in that sense. how could other people possibly understand what im going through? they dont feel as i do, they dont experience things as i do, and they dont see the changes that i do. so when other people see differences in me, they are uncomfortable because they dont understand me.
and that, makes me a really lonely person in this world.
im there to take the stress as a leader, as someone who is expected to perform above others, someone who sees the bigger picture in everything he does.
FACT: i cant really handle the stress, as a matter of fact i think im gonna crack soon. im not exceptional, as a matter of fact i suck big time. and how the heck do you see the bigger picture and be optimistic about it when all you perceive is that you dont fit in?
the truth hurts. reality stings. those are facts of life i have come to accept.
now that i dont have wushu in my life, im slacking in a venting point for me to vent all my frustration into. sometimes i feel like im a 1.5 litre bottle of pepsi which is roughly shaken and fizzing at the cap. and because im supposed to maintain a certain image of myself, and to uphold the name of my school, my country and my service, i have to superglue that cap on the bottle.
i just wanna progess on and transition into the next part of my life. cos this part really sucks.
things always happen for a reason, dont they? and the reason is you.
Saturday, September 20, 2008 @ 10:47 AM
im gonna dedicate this post to people. not just the people who are constantly there with me and by my side, but also the people who aren't. the strangers who pass by me on the street. the people on the buses and trains. but most importantly, to the people who reside in my heart, now and always.
"Lord, protect our doubts, because Doubt is a way of praying.It is Doubt that makes us grow because it forces us to look fearlessly at the many answers to one question. And in order for this to be possible...
Lord, protect our decisions, because making Decisions is a way of praying. Give us the courage, after our doubts, to be able to choose between one road and another. May our YES always be a YES, and our NO always be a NO. Once we have chosen our road, may we never look back nor allow our soul to be eaten away by remorse. And in order for this to be possible...
Lord, protect our actions, because Action is a way of praying. May our daily bread be the result of the very best that we carry within us. May we, through work and action, share a little of the love we receive. And in order for this to be possible...
Lord, protect our dreams, because to Dream is a way of praying. Make sure that, regardless of our age or circumstances, we are capable of keeping alight in our heart the sacred flame of hope and perseverance. And in order for this to be possible...
Lord, give us enthusiasm, because Enthusiasm is a way of praying. It is what binds us to the Heavens and to Earth, to grownups and to children; it is what tells us that our desires are important and deserve our best efforts. It is Enthusiasm that reaffirms to us that everything is possible, as long as we are totally committed to what we are doing. And in order for this to be possible...
Lord, protect us, because Life is the only way we have of making manifest Your miracle. May the earth continue to transform seeds into wheat, may we continue to transmute wheat into bread. And this is only possible if we have Love; therefore, do not leave us in solitude. Always give us Your company, and the company of men and women who have doubts, who act and dream and have enthusiasm, and who live each day as if it were totally dedicated to Your glory.
Amen."
-- Paulo Coelho, Like the Flowing River
This is a prayer by the above-mentioned author in his book, Like the Flowing River. I may not be religious, but the things i drew from it touched my heart. and i hope that it would do the same for my friends and give them inspiration and the courage to carry on and to dream and to be happy for who they are, whether they be Christians or not.
Saturday, September 06, 2008 @ 9:35 AM
haiz. off days finish so fast. oh wells. im booking in tomorrow early cos of my RCP. clear this last 10 days and im home free. another weekend gonna be burned.
today went JB with kor kor and his friend. oh man, we ate and shopped and ate and shopped. no end to eating. i think i gained weight today! haha.
my bads to my bros alford and wil, paiseh about the last minute changes. we'll go out and chill next time yea?
i hope my bro is doing fine in taiwan, not getting chao tah or freezing to death at night. brr.
nothing much to say also lah, cos i wont be blogging for another 2 weeks so might as well put something here.
confine jiu confine ba, after all im hardly missed in the outside world.
Friday, September 05, 2008 @ 9:23 AM
i woke up late today. was supposed to go running with my bro, but in the end i got up an hour and a half later than expected. oh wells.
wasted the morning away. but i did pack my table. sort of.
before i left my place i went downstairs and saw my sister's friend at our place. she's actually my neighbor, but the last time i remember seeing her up close was a couple of years back. that had me thinking, that time really flies. it seems just yesterday that i was young and 17. haha. yea, like she said, im a 19 year old in a 17 year old body. x)
so clar and i went to taka and saw mooncakes! omg so tempting. especially the chocolate and champagne truffles. argh. and in the end i forgot to buy lah. wlao eh. wasted sia. nvm, when i come out next i shall go splurge on it. hahaha. and we had lunch at crystal jade. NOT filling, but i suppose it was okay. haha. the silver fish was nice. x)
we went around town, got my iPod charger, and headed back to amk. spent some time doing my peer appraisals there, and went back to town to meet aaron for dinner.
we ate at changing appetites, on aaron! hahaha. so they ordered 2 main courses, and i ate whatever they couldnt. omg, i love having a large appetite. haha. love the mudpie. yum yum! (:
we walked around esplanade and marina bay, emo-ed for a while and finally back to raffles, where we went home. oh wells. all good things come to an end.
my sandfly bites are killing me! damn itchy. and now i scratch until they bleed le. anyone got any good remedy? please save me. x(
is it me wanting too much? or am i just not getting enough.
im not a person to be easily satisfied; not someone who accepts the status quo.
for the first time in my life, i feel insufficient and lacking.
what is it with me?
Wednesday, September 03, 2008 @ 11:08 PM
im finally back from Brunei! damn it feels good to be home.
i wont say much now, cos i cant really talk about my training there. if u wanna know come ask me personally haha.
its been a tough and rough 21 days i guess.
but i think now that im home, ive learned to appreciate the things that i have around me more. food, people, warmth, shelter. these are things that were lacking in my experience.
i guess i wont read up on blogs to catch up with time. this 21 days has been a good chance for me to disappear and think about my life and its perspectives. so the world should go on and i should forsake that chance to be updated in life. after all, i am now a caveman emerging from my hibernation. xD