Monday, April 30, 2007 @ 6:56 PM
yesterday was sports meet.. so we supposed to end early at 1315. but in the end, chemistry practical cancelled = end at 1145. woot!
unproductive pull-up training. didnt manage to reach target. Zzz. oh yeah and mr lim trying to be funny also, suddenly use mic and call us from PE dept. to test the volume of the mic. scare me like crap. and suddenly ask us to do house cheer (he was jking lah).
took over weilie in handling drinks, since i was job-less during the sports meet and didnt want to suntan. had lots of fun playing with freezing cold water, koping drinks whenever i shuang, eating food meant for teachers (after they finish eating and got leftovers lah, but what the heck, its free food). XD oh yeah and my man patrick was MC of the day!
"and now for the most CONTROVERSIAL event.." oh yeah, give it up for my man patrick.
after the sports meet we went to tung lok restaurant at vivocity for teacher's treat! and i tell you, its a hell of an experience. haha. the ambience, the food, legend arh! total cost = 1.3 k.
too bad i couldnt be next to you then and there.aj wushu went to bond on rooftop after dinner. took pictures, talked crap, went home.
i went home with a weary heart, this mask of mine is too heavy a burden. i cant hold this up much longer. i dont ever want to see it again. ever.每个人都在说这种爱情没有结果我也知道你永远都不能够爱 我其实我只是希望你有时想一想我你却已经渐渐渐渐什么都不再说我睡不著的时候会不会有人陪著我我难过的时候会不会有人安慰我我想说话的时候会不会有人了解我我忘不了你的时候你会不会来疼我你知不知道你知不知道我等到花儿也谢了你知不知道你知不知道我等到花儿也谢了
Friday, April 27, 2007 @ 11:20 PM
i finally sorted it out. it took me the whole night, but i did it.
sickens me to think about myself and my behaviour the past few months. who am i kidding? i cant stop this kind of thing. who am i to dictate my feelings and emotions? who am i to influence others? guess im not cut out to be a leader.
i cant lead, neither can i follow. so where does that leave me? im stuck somewhere in between. and i guess you're not gonna be the one who pulls me out of that abyss.
i admit it, its true. i still think about you. and im sick of it. 'cos it pains me still.
i dont wanna be lonely no more
@ 10:33 AM
you know when you're young and people tell u that you can reach the moon by trying to engulf the moon in your fist? the way you attempt to reach for the stars? the way they try to tell you that dreams are meant to be reached? well dig this:
you can only hold the moon in your fist 'cos you can never reach it. reaching for the stars? try the bunsen burner, its not so hot. (relatively). and dreams are meant to stay dreams -- they NEVER come true.
wad kr says about the mask is damn true. still he knows me well.
@ 10:04 AM
I finally did the personality test being spread around by joanne. heres my results:
You are the grass fragrance type:You have very strong will, not dependent on others and gives an impression of being a lone ranger. You are extremely curious and sensual,living a clear-headed, modern life. At first glance you place yourself on a pedestal, and are difficult to get along. But once others talk to you, they know you are easygoing. And when the relationship develops, they realise you are affable. You have and androgynous charm, which makes you popular with all genders. But you don't like your weak side to be seen. You might look cool on the surface, but beneath it all, you are really Passionate. Only people who know your true self can maintain a long-lasting relationship with you.
its quite accurate. i guess then that not many people know me very well. and maybe thats why im fucking up my love life.
grats to chee chung and all the other aj idol winners.
no matter how much ive told myself to let go, i still find myself running to you when i get that phonecall. my reactions betray my feelings.and yet -- as i run down the long, narrow road, exhausted beyond relief -- i find you there, but waiting for someone else.and yet -- as i try so desperately to catch up with you -- i find you there, but the places beside you have already been taken.and yet -- as i keep telling myself to forget and let you go -- i find you there, in the corner of my mind, constantly pervading my thoughts, making me wonder why you are so distant.is it something wrong with me? tell me where im lacking so i can change for you.
Monday, April 23, 2007 @ 8:04 AM
i came to school with mixed feelings today. i cant really explain it, but its a mix of dread and excitement. and not forgetting that my emotions are pretty much screwy at the moment.
couldnt pay much attention during class today. but oh well, i survived.
physics actually managed to fly by today, as we spent slightly over an hour doing SPA skill A. and for once, i did it. all by myself. (with some help from Maggie's notes). im proud of it. XD
spent math copying.. and copying. thank god for fishermen's friend and all the other confectionary they design to keep students awake during class.
GP: amazing. i now get a bit worried when people like my man patrick and howard come together for discussion. the rate of digression and the intensity of arguments.. woah. bi-da-ba-bom. oh yeah. rained cats and dogs during GP. which kinda turned the teacher-student discussion into a student-student argument 'cos we couldnt hear her anyway. ahaha.
aj idol.. is a GG. i mean, i can look the part, act the part, but when it comes to SINGING, i lose in all areas. lets face it -- my singing sucks. i dont even know how i got in the finals in the first place. jeez. im just dragging yvonne down with me luh. this feeling sucks.
this feeling sucks. the feeling of being inferior, the feeling of being cast out. who likes to lose? come on. but the sense of inevitability is very over-riding. hope i can cast some miracle by friday, or we're more or less malu-ed on friday.thanks to people like the wushu team, esp xiong jie jie, kr, wil, yiming; for their continual support.见到你的笑容, 我心里出了一道彩虹.见到你的眼泪, 我的心也跟着一起碎.有你的梦, 全都是美梦.若恶梦中碰到了你, 我就知道会有个美好的结局.见不到你的一天, 我的心很空虚.倘若遇见了你, 你却不在我身边,我会很伤心.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007 @ 10:06 PM
now in FAR slacking.. cant believe even after comp i take so long to warm up to studying. this feeling sucks; the realization that your whole day has gone down the drain and 24 hours of your precious life has been wasted. feels like.. a loser.
oh yeah, loser. cant help but feel this way for a long time. ever since my individual event at manjusri.
failed to achieve what i normally did. failed to live up to expectations. failed the team. failed my parents. failed my friends. ultimately, i failed myself.enough of this stuff. im getting sick of demoralizing myself further in a continual spiral of self-denial and hate.
no, dont tell me im wrong.anyway as the principal said this morning, people outside school are sending in letters to complain about some of the things we students blog about. heh. i wonder whose blogs they have been reading. maybe mine? haha. i find it hard myself not to feel pessimistic when i read my own entries. but guess what? over time, like ive said before, im no longer a pessimist, but rather a realist.
im not realistic in the sense that i become cynical about the things around me, or that i realise the world revolves just to kill everyone on it one day. but rather, im a resigned person to fate -- resigned to the fact that people's lives (including my own) are the way they are and there is nothing, absolutely nothing, in the world that we can do to stop it from happening the way it does. its a contradiction in itself -- how can you change what you dont know will happen? so let it be, and accept it.
change what you dislike and can change, but leave be what you cannot. 船到桥头自然直.its a funny thing, on how i react to different circumstance. i tend to find myself reacting according to other people, instead of vice versa. im a person who is more likely to conform to others rather than standing out and leading the crowd. not because i dont have a knack for leadership, or that i have zero creative genes, its more that i want to be accepted by people. who doesnt? we live in a world which has zero tolerance for difference. because difference, is equivalent to rejection.
the world is indeed becoming smaller. and more alike. now i know why korean models look alike.he walks a lonely road at night, the dust around his feet flying with each step he takes. its pitch dark with no street lights, no source of radiance he can see. he fumbles in his pockets for his last match stick; with its small flame he is bestowed a limited range of vision. seconds later, the match stick dies out, and he is engulfed in darkness once more. his breath comes out as mist; shallow breaths like minature clouds in the air. and he walks on, in the darkness, alone.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007 @ 7:44 AM
i can finally proclaim the interschool wushu competition is finally over. at least i didnt go home empty handed.
guys got 3rd for group quanshu.
we did well, and we're proud of it.guys got 5th for group weapon. we could have got a better ranking, but too bad the judges (except one) are just too blind to see a bi shou drop to the floor lah! a mistake like that can cost you 0.5 points.
and the medal.guys got 3rd overall.
all i can say is im proud to have you guys as teammates; to have you guys as a family -- the aj wushu family.girls got 4th and 3rd for quanshu and weapon. ahaha.
coach treated us to sakae sushi! total bill : $518. heng we paid for our own side dishes.
is it me or am i still getting the frosty side of you? what is going on with me?我到底是几时才能觉悟呢?
Monday, April 16, 2007 @ 7:05 AM
lethargic day. i guess thats how dreary mondays are.
dont know why, but my thoughts drifted towards my taolu.. and towards you. i still feel.. incomplete.only GP was a little productive. managed to actually focus and think for a while. but then again. back to snores.
took photos, went for training.
me and cw finally successfully did the rolling stunt.. with coach's help also lah. couldnt help but jump and scream. after so long, after so much, we finally did it. actually, cw did most of the work lah. i just had to roll and pray. ahahah. now we're really ready for tomorrow.
i believe in miracles.. as long as they last.celebrated nyuk min's birthday! the aj wushu celebration. haha. HAPPY BIRTHDAY NYUK MIN!
after training coach come and spas with me by taking my Taka voucher.. den come and 推手 with me. then my man jack came in. think i was too tired to play anymore, then i tulan and kp him. really sorry man, i wasnt thinking straight.
i really suck at controlling myself sometimes. i cant think about my actions before i actually do them, and i always seem to regret. Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain
Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel Im getting old
Before my time
As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doing all I can
To be a better man
Go easy on my conscience
cause its not my fault
I know Ive been taught
To take the blame
Rest assured my angels
Will catch my tears
Walk me out of here
Im in pain
As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doing all I can
To be a better man
Once youve found that lover
Youre homeward bound
Love is all around
Love is all around
I know some have fallen
On stony ground
But love is all around
Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain
Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel Im getting old
Before my time
As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doin all I can
To be a better man
as i listened to this song on the train home.. i couldnt help thinking.if there is a God, i really hope he can take away my suffering. i dont suffer as other people do - i dont experience poverty or sickness or what have you, but i feel pain just like any other miserable person on this earth.pity? i guess i dont deserve it at this point. but im trying, im still trying.请你不要再搅乱我的心情, 现在我需要的是集中精神.
Sunday, April 15, 2007 @ 7:09 AM
the individual events are officially over. but still i feel a twinge of regret everytime i pass by aljunied station. my last chance, and i never actually did it.
FAILURE.now for group events. coach keep telling us to have the 气势 and 压迫感. i think we can do it. no, i know we can do it. kill the rest. vjc, just u wait. we may not win overall but we're not giving u the group event.
我们对其它数字没有兴趣, 只有第一.darn it, i cant shout loud enough. today the drums already cover my whole voice. i wonder about the actual thing on tuesday. two gargantuan loudspeakers and the rest of the team cheering.. i probably need mics myself. oh well. lets see how it goes tomorrow during training.
shout until throat is gonna break.. wonder how im gonna survive in time for aj idol.finally got my shirt for aj idol. some formal business shirt, which im supposed to wear casually. oh god. suddenly so regret, what if it sucks? shit lah.
i have no fashion sense.the blog for aj idol is finally ready. vote for me and yvonne during finals! go tag us at daryl-von.blogspot.com
only 1 more week. its the finals. confident? only if you are.group event on tues. 安初武术.. 杀杀杀!!
i guess its only me. what the heck, guess im used to the silence already.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007 @ 7:14 AM
tomorrow is changquan! omg.
dont think anymore, its time to go do my best. with no regrets.
i couldnt sleep, not until i thought it through. conclusion: its not what i feared it to be. and thats the way it should stay, for good.am i still a hypocrite? i guess, to a certain extent. but at least im a satisfied self-fufilling ass who feels better because he is what he is. and not what he wants to be seen as in other people's eyes.
A.S.S. : attention seeking syndrome. do i have that? ahaha.
thanks so much guys. (:
Tuesday, April 10, 2007 @ 6:13 AM
living personification of hypocrisy. thats me.
i claim to know people, to understand how they feel. and yet, when they're feeling down and low, i cant do shit to help. or at least what i do is ineffective.
i claim to set myself at a certain standard, yet, i fail to reach it. i criticize others, yet i fail to see my own faults.
i try my best to motivate and inspire, not only do i fail miserably, i cant do the same for myself.
i keep telling myself its over, and yet my heart aches when i see you two together.im miserable, alright.
Monday, April 09, 2007 @ 8:22 AM
okay okay realised i have to humour a really bored guy at home called junyong. here goes:
These are the rules: Each player of this game starts out by giving 6 weird things about themselves. People who get tagged need to write in a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state the rules clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. After you do that, leave them each a comment letting them know you tagged them and to read your blog!
time for show 'n tell..weird thing no. 1:my two eyebrows go in different directions. not as in horizontal and vertical, but the ends have different contours. my left eyebrow contours upwards, my right downwards. heh. beat that. ask me to show you one day, and if im feeling really nice i will. XD
weird thing no. 2:im emotionally sensitive for a guy. doesnt bring my feminity up though, but i seem to be able to sense emotional problems better than other guys. heck. doesnt help me with my problems though. its either that or im really lucky each time i ask about a person's state of mental health. (:
weird thing no. 3:long neck. really long. i look crap in roundneck shirts. shirt collars dont really help much either. give it up for the human giraffe! oh yeah and i DID NOT spend time in that god knows where country putting brass rings around my neck. i still have a life, you know, and im not inclined to attract natives there. period.
weird thing no. 4:i was damn nerdy in primary and lower secondary school. dont ask me who or what changed me, but lets just say im abashed of my younger days eh? for starters, imagine me with my hair combed flat. get the (ugly) picture?
weird thing no. 5:i get really sad when i watch sad shows. i know its disturbing to see a guy tear at sad stories. but hell, happens that i do. ahh, hormonal imbalance. haha.
weird thing no. 6:the fuck am i doing this at 1145pm? and tomorrow got competition. jeez. oh yeah, CANT LOG IN TO IVLE TO DO E-LEARNING. what a waste of time.
okay.. and the lucky six who get to carry on this lame ass piece of blog post are:
1. WILSON TAN.
2. ZHEN EN.
3. JULIANAH.
4. XINYING.
5. PATRICK.
6. HUIYING.
actually i picked them 'cos i just read their blogs. in order. sorry guys. >.<
@ 7:54 AM
today was the first day of wushu comp.. reached school early to train.. haiz i think my jumps are really CMI le lah. feel like shit, want to give up le.
see the judges today give points.. vomit blood suan le.
yiming should have gotten at least silver. at minimum. bloody hell.
looks like being first has no benefits. except u are the bottom feeder, the one who will get pushed down further. sucks being first, sucks being me on thursday.
i like wad cw written in his blog about wushu.. i think it really reflects ourselves when we compete, reflects us whenever we do our stuff. wushu is not really your normal court game or outdoor/indoor sport; wushu is more like a spirit within us. its something that teaches determination, perserverance, respect, honour, strength, loyalty. it gives us more than providing fitness -- it is a way of life. it is OUR way of life.
so many things now.. too many to take. feels.. different, somehow.
cant explain some things. hope to get it right now. i should not be feeling this way. not like this. it already over.
望着你们,我心里不禁酸了一阵; 故事不是早已结束了么?那我心为何无法平静?
细雨中的碰面,花落里的分散;我们又在雪花纷纷的背景擦身而过.下一次的季节,到底会留下怎样的回忆,怎样的情绪?
Thursday, April 05, 2007 @ 12:09 AM
wah first time blogging in school.. feel so guilty heh. >.< but hey thats what the free access room is for aint it? LOL
ive more or less gotten over that emo period. period. looking back i seem so confused eh. i guess i lack the confidence for this kinda stuff. oh wells.
had aj idol auditions yest! woo~ haha. the duet came out really well oh yeah~! but its also cos we practised alot and really put in our best! haha. cheers yvonne! (: the judges gave us really good comments.. and even said we were the best duet they had heard for the whole competition! ahahaha. made me feel so happy. and other comments i cannot stop grinning eh.. cos i see the wushu people face reaction.. damn cartoon. suwen cannot stop laughing, zhexu and zhenen keep comforting wilson, who i think was the most sia suay de lah. lol.
aye, but the individual was terrible. i completely forgot what howard had told me to do and screwed the whole song up. one of the judges' comments was, "wrong song choice". ahh. make me so malu in front.. haiz. another still mentioned i got the charisma of last year's aj idol! EXCEPT THE SINGING. another big malu. haiz.
yvonne did well on her individual though.. haha. apart from some minor mistakes i guess her performance wasnt that bad. but i had the feeling that we had not much chance with the solo when this other girl went up. two words: WOW LAH. XD
and back to today.. results release! and we got in for duet! haha. (: but there is a clash of one of the test runs with next week's competition. have to go find a -1 version of whatever song we are gonna sing. oh well, lots of more things to do.
reality check: competition next week. i have to get my head back in the game, get the tempo up. i suddenly feel more stressed when i realise our group dagger still is not really ready. i hope we can do the jumps and stunts by next week.
oh god.. COMPETITION!!!
技术虽然比别人差,但斗志绝对不能输!
Monday, April 02, 2007 @ 7:31 AM
dunno why im doing this. i feel like shit.
i feel as though im forsaken, left to rot and wither in the cold and unyielding winds of this cruel world.
things that i see, things that i do, seem to have lost their meaning. i tried to maintain my falsity for a while, but i realise that when im alone, and it boils down to me and reality, the walls cave in and i see just how weak i am.
nothing is going right now.
my homework is due, my competition is as good as lost, audition as good as gone, and now im failing in my relationships.
its nothing personal, just that i am perhaps different that i thrive on person-to-person contact. forgive me if you will, if i have offended anyone in my course of obtaining solace. it appears that i still have none.
i have parents who dont appear to give a damn about me, and if they do, they put it so bluntly and paint a picture so unrealistic that seems so out of place in my god-forsaken world.
i have no idea where i stand in my social circle. do i belong at the bottom of the "hierachy", an outcast? or to put it more bluntly, do i face ostracism from others? or is is just paranoia setting in? oh god. how i lack self-confidence. its no wonder i am already crumbling at others' feet, searching for that missing vital part of me.
do i take things too seriously? perhaps yes, perhaps no. maybe thats my way of life. i was brought up in a perfectionist culture, so much so that even i dont accept my own circumstance. perhaps yes, perhaps no.
dreams come true? yeah i guess they do, someday, when you least expect it. but guess what? dreams are for idealists. i dont have any dreams; if i did they probably wouldnt come true. i set targets; but they are so unattainable i am battered down into a hollow shell when i fail. i try to reach out; and again i stumble before the white finishing line.
im really sorry for this emo post. i dont know what has gone into me. but i wanna keep this just as a reminder of my current self and the state of my psychological sanity. if thats what you call it.
call me crazy, call me nuts. call me guai lan for all the fuck i care.
oh yeah, and i DONT need professional help, jeez. im just being emo.
i wonder who will read this, who will give a shit to ask a beaten, broken and damned person to pick up his life.