Tuesday, October 31, 2006 @ 7:25 AM
i get rendered speechless. i have nothing to say to you anymore. i dont wanna face you anymore.
another thing, another person.
stop causing hurt to more people. the way you behave is atrocious. you are inconsiderate and unhelpful. take advice and not be stubborn. stop tearing your life and others' apart.
another person, stop playing. you heard me. stop playing with the people around you. yeah im talking to you. believe it, i will personally rip your balls off if you continue hurting the people i love. get away, she doesnt need you. they all dont need you. you're like a raving dog without the ability to control your bite. guess what? they all contracted rabies. people like you disgust me. stop torturing her, stop killing her life and passion. her dance is now a fake, moving in limbo just because you want it to. you dont control her life; and she wants it back. her feet hurt from so much dancing. do yours? if the answer is no, ill make it a yes. just get off, get back, get lost.
another time, another place.
the wind was through your hair, you looked at me and smiled. i looked back, into your eyes.
the scenery fades away, im rooted to the ground; i cant move. the background fades to black, and you're fading in the distance. fading, ever so subtly; i reach out to grab your hand. faltering in my steps, i am unable to reach you. dont go, please, dont go. tears of pain slip down my face, disappearing into the blackness of the sky. dont go, please..
Monday, October 30, 2006 @ 7:43 AM
looooonggg days and interview galore. life in a nutshell indeed.
end of a weekend holiday. it seems that going to school has lost its meaning. the term is over but we still have normal lessons. screw chinese. screw (tmd) PW. total waste of time.
i hope everyone is coping well, cause this last few weeks is gonna be damn sian.
no training for nov! wad is the school thinking man, like this we're gonna get thrashed next year. ah i better take up those informal training. i still want at least a medal next year. i wonder when is coach gonna teach the next tao lu and the sparring! oh my god im damn excited. haha.
had ogl interview today. mine was like the fastest lah, only spent a short time in the interview room. ( aww, cos the councillors were attractive lol ).
oops sorry alford. dun angry kkz. (:get well wishes to mrs law and alford ( and all my other sick friends whose conditions i do not know of ), rest well, recover soon.
i have nothing to look forward to, and can only reminiesce ( did i spell that right? or left? )
the past and regret i did not have the courage to step forward and say what truly mattered. would my life be different if i had not uttered those words which made us ever closer, and yet so far apart? so near yet so far, that is how i feel about you. has that changed? i always wonder, just wonder, at how much the world revolves around your ACTIONS. funny isn't it, that the world wont work the way you want it to, but works the ways to make it to.
Sunday, October 29, 2006 @ 6:52 AM
incense and luck
weekend hols are over, here to update on my boring life.
yesterday was great-grandma's birthday! i didnt count the candles so i still dont know her age. after the birthday lunch went down to howard's house to do PW. no change from the last meeting, nada work done. got lotsa cool stuff anyway, thanks howard! haha. he went over to my house to stay and we chiong xbox until about 3 plus the next day. surprisingly, i wasnt tired when i woke up.
the rest of the group members came to my place today. me and howard met alford at eastpoint, then we went to play pool. it was so empty and the rates were reasonable, but my game sucked i guess. learnt a new way of playing -- called cutthroat pool. interesting, but still tio owned. when i saw my phone had 4 missed calls from huiyi, i realised she arrived about half an hour ago! she was waiting for us for 30 min until we realised it! im so sorry huiyi.. i think she was angry thats why she didnt want to give me luck when i play pool.. huiyi is the god of pool luck! next time i go play i will bring her along and burn incense! haha. cuishan was the last to arrive >.<
oh yeah, today we learnt a new way to input emoticons! haha. do you know what is *greater than dot lesser than*? or *underscore vertical line underscore*?! haha. go find out sia, new language i tell you. oh yeah, and also heard how an angmoh computer speaks chinese. ( and other stuff for that ).
its still early, but there's school tomorrow and there is OP rehearsal. so i guess ill sleep early tonight. so is howard, he's already asleep. ( he's staying over again ). oh yeah and kudos to dad for the red wine. and the pep talk. ahaha. im sure alford and howard benefitted loads.
aint gonna rant. aint gonna cry. im gonna get over you. you're outta my life. ciao.oh yeah and clarissa khor wants her lil' bit of fame here. haha. cheers dear (:
Friday, October 27, 2006 @ 2:39 AM
im frozen, numb to the core. i cant feel myself. what is love? i cant feel its warmth.
i've been feeling cold shoulders, conducting my heat away. i cant think, when hypothermia starts to sink in. what is going on?
i have to take this before it gets out of hand. i only have such a brief time span to think.
im a struggling duck in oil; i cant fly, cant get away.
tell me, how can i forget you?
i dont wanna think about this now, the pain is too numbing. i want to feel it, feel the pain. its a sign im alive. im so sian now, so sick of feeling this, i cant feel anything. feel the pain.
a jab in the stomach, a kick in the head. i wonder if i fall will i realise it? is this what its like to lose your sense of touch?
i guess the only way to put it behind me is to find another. there is none, its not easy. im unwanted, a castaway unto myself. im on an island, with only palm trees and white sand for company. in the distance, thunder sounds. no shelter. im already wet anyway, how much worse can it get?
worser. it just gets worser.
i now understand the truth behind my behaviour. just as the emotional learning workshop had stated, managing the flux of my emotions is the crux to self-confidence. i think if i plot my emotional flux on a graph it would probably show a sine ( or cosine, for that matter ) graph with a large amplitude. i sincerely apologise if i seem weird or shit, but hey, i cant help it much. im sorry anyway.
need someone to talk to, someone to confide in. its been a while since i let everything out. im reaching saturation point, like a sponge underwater. yeah, just call me spongebob the wushu man. heh.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006 @ 5:37 AM
i got my present from alford and patrick -- two shirts. one was a black shirt with the word "performance" on it and with engines and more.. i didnt get the link to me though. the other orange tee was more obvious, got the
yinyang sign on it. so obiang! hahaha. but i love it anyway, thanks guys. got brownies from jasline, hand-baked! haha. it was so nice that wilson took 3 PIECES! AND LEFT ME WITH ONLY ONE. (actually because i left some for my other friends, see im so generous?)
played a bit of bball today, until the rest got caught for playing in school uniform. oh well, whats new in AJC? haha. went to cut hair at AMK central. $4. wash and cut. by trainees.
homework is piling on my desk, i really have to sort them out to start with. i find myself unable to keep to my goal of studying through the holidays. i find myself bored more often than not, although there could be a hundred and one other things which is more constructive than just sitting at my laptop and lamely waiting for someone to talk to me. i have to get a grip on my life. its slipping out of control since the promos ended.
do you know how i feel? oh of course you dont. you probably dont even know about this blog, but i know about yours. i have read it, and what i see inside fills me with so much agony its not worth speaking of on the net. do you know how much you have hurt me? for once, i thought that life could be perfect. my dreams are shattered. i cut myself on the glass shards of disappointment and hurt. i bleed. blood of deep red, crimson stains on the carpet floor.
i will get over this. if i were given the chance to be immortal, would i take it? i ask myself. would anyone? with this much hurt in the world? i am beyond remembrance. forsaken and thrown into the dirt. cast aside, and left to rot here.
i am desperate. i want to hide behind a mask. i wish to elevate myself to a perfect art, to show emotion through that plain white mask. its complexities are of that of a normal person, and yet it hides a face more complex and emotional one could perceive. that, is art. to place emotions on an expressionless mask.
i wear that mask.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006 @ 6:35 AM
happy birthday..
yep, today is my birthday. i woke up with the realisation that i was again a year older. with each passing year, i am supposed to become more matured in oneself, but ironically the childish me is bursting to surface. i try to supress myself. i do, but in fact i am still the younger me inside.
i heard the phone vibrations at midnight, thank you. haha my da sao (jasline) was the first one to wish me. thanks! and thanks to all the people who have wished me as well! i am certainly most thankful to have you guys as friends and even more thankful that you remembered my birthday, early or late.
went to ah gong house in the late morning for lunch. it rained in the afternoon so we were stuck inside watching tv. it was boring and again, i wanted to play pool! argh. but today's haze level was minimum, PSI was below 50s the whole day. ah well, getting wet is better than breathing in smoke i guess. it finally stopped raining at about 330pm, and the rest went home. i stayed behind cause i wanted to go out.
it took us an hour to discuss where to go, and we finally settled for dinner. kinda retarded huh? me, junxin, aaron, meifen and shiyun went to makan at Changing Appetites in Marina Square! kinda funky place for dinner, but i absolutely loved the Super Large Iced Chocolate. chocolate lovers, go grab it. its a gargantuan ( i just love that word ) mug filled to the brim with hershey's syrup with water, topped with chocolate and vanilla ice cream and whipped cream. oh and lets not forget the chocolate chips. slurp!
after dinner we went to search for the Crumpler shop, but in vain. in the end, we went to Raffles Shopping Centre cos aaron really wanted to go see it. haha ur $159 bag.. bumped into litian and i think ( think ) yuyan. i saw litian at citylink with two girls (omg!). he said he was doing projcet work, but dress until so nice? haha plan de right..? i thought i saw yuyan at Raffles but then again i think i was wrong.
thanks again to meifen and shiyun for dinner! and all those who wished me! you certainly made my birthday a most enjoyable one. and oh ya also kudos to alford for wishing me exactly 12 hours after midnight. haha new style huh? hahaha.
gonna go read, write, and sleep. nites guys.
Monday, October 23, 2006 @ 2:44 AM
recollections of a past year.
last night the family went to Oriental Hotel to makan at the Melt Restaurant for a buffet dinner! ( in lieu of my birthday ) (:
we were quite early and took a brief look around the hotel at first. the hotel's design was quite interesting; it made the hotel look taller than it really was. the 25 storey building looked as if it was 40 storey skyscraper! the lifts were like the Solero Shots in Genting! ( cheers junxin! )
food was great -- a range from local, japanese, western, thai, indian, to a large dessert room filled with large chocolate fondue fountains and mini delicacies.
heaven. oh the wine was fanastic too, i think i drank a bit too much. white wine, vintage 2004, Reslin. and dad went recollecting his travelling days -- he said he was flying on SQ when he unconciously finished two bottles of Reslin in a row. the stewardess went to him and said, "Sir, you have finished two bottles of white wine. Would you like another?" no sarcasm intended, i guess. but then, wad was she thinking? my dad replied, "why not?"
anyway, its another year past. full of sorrow, joy and recollections.
i am happy to have progressed thus far; i recognize the fact that not many youths at my age would have experienced the luxuries i have. i am, in fact, luckier than most other kids. then again, i should not take it for granted.
i have never regretted any decision i made, (probably except the one i had to because of you), especially the one to quit running for Student Council and to remain in AJ Wushu. the people i have met, befriended, and eventually became a part of, have all been an essential part of my life. now as we progress on to our next and final year, i am sure that we will perservere and remain united as a team. those who did not make it to J2, i feel for you. i do not claim to comprehend the feeling of being retained, but i know, as long as we work for it, together, nothing is impossible for us.
to my best friends, a year has passed so quickly. although we are not separated, let us strive again to accomplish the goals we have set -- we can make it!
and finally to those people who matter to me, be it my friends near or far, wherever you are ( oh man so cliche ), you will always have a place in my heart.
the thought of us.. hurts TOO much.
Saturday, October 21, 2006 @ 12:51 AM
kira kira!
yest i forgot to blog.. reached home sat 1145, so today is updating for yest.
sch was uneventful, but quite a few people were apprehensive as they were afraid of retaining. after school, the wushu team went to watch deathnote at bishan j8. we waited for hongchia and yvonne for so long cos they had OP workshop. but oh well, we had fun yeah? in the end we couldnt celebrate hongchia's birthday except by singing song for him. so much for cake.. i hope i can eat mine next week in school! hahaha..
omg deathnote rocks man. the movie managed to bring out the main parts from the manga effectively and it was so cool! the movie would have been better if they explained why the deathgods were bored though. kira rocks! me, wil and cs thinks he's better than L.. and i know it for a fact cos L was killed by kira! ( in the manga ).
congrats to all those who managed to advance to J2, especially alford, hwee teng, sixu. i still dont know about the rest of 06/06. haiz. those who didnt make it, just remember that new chances are given to those who want it.
Its not the end, but rather a new beginning. So dont be too sad okay?
I dont presume to understand how you feel, and i dont want to begin on that form of comprehension. All i can do is give you the support you so desperately crave. i dont want to appear hypocritcal or be seen as a sarcastic freak who is so amazingly anti-emphatetic and as cold as stone. i want you to know that i am always there for you. i still care. as a friend.
Thursday, October 19, 2006 @ 5:16 AM
school daze..
woke up late today.. at 645.. "huh how come is the sky so bright?" sian neh, check watch le den chiong. lucky dad was still at home, can send me to school. in the end, i reached school earlier than i would on a normal day. the power of a car lol. come to think of it, it has been a long time since i rode his car to school. the feeling still rocks!
first lesson only den tio du lan, kaopeh ah.. what the fuck.. u lucky i good mood today sia. if not.. say bye bye to ur balls.
dunno is people like to be du lan and kaopeh or they are just like that because of their character? i mean, if you are mentally afflicted i can understand. but if u are a rational and sane person who KAOPEH me u'll get it. so far this year i haven blow up in school yet. u just wait sia.
i just learnt today that OGL training clashes with wushu chalet! omg, now i dunno which one to go for. i better discuss with kangrui and the rest first. lucky i havent submitted the form.
just came across a blog in school today, this girl was du lan this guy because he supposedly didnt like aj. after reading the comments, i realised that quarrelling on the internet is pointless and a total waste of time. not only that, that girl (known as "galaxy") is completely irrational and
forgive me, brainless. i have nothing against your feelings that people take ajc for granted, but who the fuck are you to tell other people how they should feel, think or speak? know your place. you think being like that makes you something big? i mean, you lose respect because you say shit like that.
finally completed wr today, a great piece of work. (if i say so myself. cheers guys!)
during econs lesson this teacher came in and said that he was actually our econs teacher, and that ms phua was just a relief! woah, completely unexpected. i thought that there was so much to surprises in a day. he started teaching a group of the class just today! woah, but it wasnt a bad thing. he seems nice and patient, and seemly an effective teacher. hopefully my econs grades will improve.
spent the econs period tagging this blog, with people sitting across me. its kinda lame, but we were bored la. (for more details, see my tagboard) oh well. service learning coming up soon, so get ready to start work guys..
i just realised that lessons have resumed, and i haven started started studying yet. its demoralising to KNOW that you have work, and then BLATANTLY ignore it. im gonna take this weekend to sort out my stuff and start my studies. i hope all my friends dont lose their momentum and pick up the pace soon. theres no better time i guess. ah well.
gotta learn how to embed music in this blog! argh. someone teach me neh.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006 @ 6:43 AM
sick.. again. damn. ahhhhh chhhhoooo!
im sick again, this time with running nose ( come back! ) and sneezing. took medicine.
got laptop, had five minutes of joy.
thats it for today. today was fucked up.
period.
@ 6:43 AM
sick.. again. damn. ahhhhh chhhhoooo!
Tuesday, October 17, 2006 @ 7:30 AM
Promo results. dunno wad to say.
the moment of truth:
-physics: D (53/100)
-maths: B (62.5/100)
-chem: B (67.8/100)
-chinese: A (72.3/100)
-GP: D (53/100)
-econs: S (40/100)
well, theres my promo results. on reflection, there was improvement in all my subjects. i should be happy. arent i? sometimes i just cannot comprehend why is that when i put in my best efforts, i still cannot reach the stage where my results are ideal? is my reach short of the horizon where i aim? what is it that is wrong?
many people tell me that my results are above average. i know that. but it cannot be satisfying for one to accept facts that blandly without considering others. even scholars would wonder why their 80 percentile wasnt a 90, and their 90 not a 100. its respective to others, is it not?
i guess that this not only accounts for many tears shed and moments of silence held when getting the results. there was a time when tears fell from my eyes not because of my failure, but because of the FEAR of parents when i got home. i still feel a little scared, i admit, but i know that when i have done my best, i should be satisfied to see improvement. i must confess, i am pretty happy with my results being above average.
i should update my list of people to worry about.
1) hwee teng
2)yvonne
3)jo ee
4)nyuk min
5)daryl
6)canaan
7)alford
8)zhaoliang
9)serena
i am not being overly-emphatetic, i am merely being concerned. i feel for all my friends. sentimental, i may be, but i cannot help but imagine should the class (or team, for that matter) be separated after this promo exam. ah, life was never a bed of roses. anyway, congrats wil for promoting. i knew you could do it.
SL is coming. people are complaining. dont deny it, i know you hate it. people give excuses as to why they cannot make it. one says "monday, wednesday, friday is out". another says tues thurs. then people say the weekend is meant to be enjoyed, people have church, yadda yadda yadda.
if everyone is unwilling to compromise and sacrifice to come up with a date to do the bloody SL, then why even do it? we're not getting anywhere and you're not helping. so if you have nothing constructive for us, its better not to speak at all. you hear me? SHUT UP.
hopefully someone would come to his/her senses and finally allow things to run smoothly.
Monday, October 16, 2006 @ 5:32 AM
RESULTS
today was killer. got back physics first thing in the morning. fucked it up even though it was an easy paper. 53% overall. i just stoned the whole morning until after lunch. i cheered up a bit after talked a bit to alford during lecture. thanks bro. and sorry guys, those who tried to cheer me up. sorry for being such an asshole.
maths, which i
thought was the KILLER, actually turned out better than physics. i couldnt, hell i STILL cant believe this. omfg, i freaking got a B for math. now i owe everyone drinks. goddamn.
im still worried for the rest of the team, especially hwee teng, nyuk min, yvonne, daryl and wil. i dunno about the rest (havent asked) but whatever happens ill still worry. dont give up guys. we're still fighting. heard about the conditional promotion? 1 h2 and 2 h1 can le. so go grab marks where you can.
shit ill stop blogging about depressing promos.
talked to alford today. talked about a lotta stuff. which made sense. yeah, great minds think alike. but anyway, i believe that we can solve all our problems. yeah, PROBLEMS.
i dunno what is wrong with me, maybe im stupid or something, but why cant i just succeed in the way i plan? i gotta catch up. i MUST do well in the a lvl chinese this year. die die must do well. cant let my parents down anymore. cant let those who care down.
i know its random, but i just wanna thanks all those who have been there for me. be you a friend or foe, thanks anyway. i couldnt have made it through the year without you. in different ways, different people have helped made this year a learning experience. without a doubt, i believe i have matured to a certain extent this year. the adversity one can face in a junior college is undeniably expansive. adversity makes one learn. adversity makes one grow. adversity makes one stronger.
stronger? in some ways yes, but then again in some ways no. we're all still young and inexperienced in life. the sea is still as broad as the horizon, as broad as one can see. so go forth, and step boldly. the light has never felt so warm on my skin.
Saturday, October 14, 2006 @ 7:09 PM
I'm baaaaacccckkkkk...
long time no post le, because first the server was down, then i was out whole two consecutive days. its okay, im back to briefly update.
the day i was sick, 11 oct, ended up uneventful, so i wont say anything.
12th oct was op presentation day. it was quite interesting to try and present and actually see how screwed up you can appear. i was damn nervous and stammered a little. mrs law said i talked too fast. its okay, ill go slower next time.
13th oct was ajc open house! i was a facilitator and had to tend to visitors. however, i only tended to a few as i was needed for performance. feel so paiseh leh alford, sorry neh.. make it up to you lah. but anyway, it was interesting and fun to speak to strangers and bring them around the school. the performance was quite impromptu, as we were given the
filler job. thanks ah spencer, but anyway we're always happy to help out. we first did ji ti quan, den i did my chang quan. haha was so screwed up i took shortcut and end! haha. after that kangrui and wilson went out to do bi shou. i think that one was the most zai one le..
after the open house debrief for facilitators, chen lao shi came to wushu room to talk to us. alamak, it was actually because of me lah, everyone got lectured. haiz. afterwhich we went to oli's cousin's place for her birthday bbq. we went and played bball with the residents there. haha they talk so much crap and then still so noob. heh. didnt eat much during bbq (i never do) and then went off to walk about.
got dunked in the pool,
saboed by kangrui and daryl! not fair le lah. zhihao oso another one. jeez. but it was fun lah. mother! how could you just stand there and watch your son get dunked!!
actually i woke up early just to blog. i also wanna apologise to alford again for not being able to help out much during open house. very very very uber paiseh. anyway, we gotta chiong for pw. GAMBATTE!!
Wednesday, October 11, 2006 @ 9:00 PM
Sick..
crap im sick and stuck at home.. i thought yesterday's headache was minor nia.. who would know i woke up today and felt like my head was splitting apart. i dont even know why im sick.. maybe the weather ba. i hope i recover by tomorrow.. got op presentation. hope the group is doing well in school.. GAMBATTE!!
spent the morning watching naruto. i thought it would help distract me from my headache but after i finished, the headache came back and worst then ever. gotta take panadol..
i gotta buck up on everything.. must start to chiong my studies after i get back my results. my lousy results only shows that i must start to mug harder. i also have to chiong my training le, better start to ask chen shao to come help me. start working out.
eh, update later. now still early lol.
@ 4:18 AM
More and more talks
last night i talked to mom abt my problems. we talked about it for an hour and half, until it was so late. but at least we managed to sort many things out. my life made a good turn there and then. i was much more content and satisfied, and even -- ironically -- depressed, that i had myself judged others based on just my own feelings. i was a hypocrite, and i realised that. i got a whole new list of resolutions.
today had no lessons. first up was the CDP programme organised by the school. the first was Power of a Team, and me alford and mr john (including the rest of the students) went to the hall to find out that they had changed location! so we had to move to the reading room. we got settled down into our chairs and THEN they come tell us to move the tables and chairs. we got sarah as the speaker, she was damn lame, crapping with the group for at least 15 min before she actually started on the workshop. got what ET, CK lah, DAMN LAME.
the workshop was not really a workshop, just a few activities designed with the hope that we would learn something from it. we played the charon's bridge game first, its like the river and crocodiles. simple and easy. it was more of a race than anything else. next was the bridge building activity. that was more fun as we were not allowed to speak during the building of the "bridge". our bridge was so strong that even zhao liang could sit on it! yeah good job guys!
we attended the festival of life as well, which was quite stupid for us guys ba. the dance moves were meant for girls with
shakable asses and .. ahem. yeah anyway, it was over pretty quick and our humiliation died out.
end of school, and the wushu team went to set up the banner. it was no easy task, and we had to use a ladder to tie the lower portion of the banner to the red vents. the string was too short, something we might have to take note of when we make the next banner.
took photos again, this time for a good cause. we had to fill the noticeboard with something, so why not our faces? the girls keep bullying the guys, especially kangrui! haha sympathies man..
went home and got a splitting headache on the train.
my life is turning better (i hope) and pray to god that my results turn out okay. i got friends who actually know if they failed or not, and that is making me worried. not because i will turn out mediocre, but that my mediocre results wont satisfy my parents. and that, will cause more problems. yvonne, dont worry too much kay? take stuff easy and it will all work out. jiayou!
i have to take better notice of myself. i went to look at someone else's blog. i saw something that i didnt want to see. i was completely stunned. and i dont know why. gotta get a grip. was it me? something that i did?
i dont wanna think about it anymore.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006 @ 4:26 AM
Reflections
today's school was kinda dry, as all we had was project work. the op lecture was funny but
otherwise boring. i found the lecturer quite an interesting person -- he as a mature adult -- is quite well versed in stuff like russell peters and
what the fuck? lol my hand gesture was noticed immediately.
also attended the facilitator training for the open house on saturday. spencer was so lame today la,
i literally froze in the lecture theatre. learning the mass dance was/is a problem. i forgot all the
moves since orientation. gotta brush up.
about saturday, i still dont know what to do. i mean, after the open house, am i still gonna go to
olivia's bbq? im still pissed at what he said but am i really gonna just go and dont care? what if he
gets so mad and throws me out? even worse, what if i hurt his feelings? have i actually considered
that?
she said i could have talked to him in another way. could i? i really am confused now. he said he
doesnt care. was there any other way i could have done it? however i still feel that his judgement
was unreasonable. maybe i should apologise. they are my parents after all.
i suck at this blame game, maybe its all my fault, and im falling because i failed to notice that.
i dont wanna be stuck in this phase forever, and i still wanna get out. but should i try another way?
i need answers. i need a shrink. damn i dont have money.
talking about money, i realised that i am really paranoid and UNREASONABLE when im pissed. i cant even think rationally. i even thought about what i would do if he disowned me. argh get out of my head! i wanna be optimistic. i wanna see a silver lining. (though i prefer gold)
went to buy oli's present today. actually is cher shean choose de. i dunno how to buy present. i just bought the card nia. den we split. haha hope she doesnt get offended by the card lol. oops im saying too much. you'll see!
gonna go racing now, and thinking.
peace out.
Monday, October 09, 2006 @ 3:31 AM
How to be happy? face it: it never happens.
how can a person be happy? lets face the facts. we can never be happy. a person is never content with what he or she has and keeps complaining about it till someone gets pissed. you know what? im PISSED.
you think im not good enough? not a ideal person? fine, but stop rubbing it in. you dont need to speak dialect, i can understand you just the same. think im an idiot?
i can never be happy. not now. im despised, blasted with derision and the "oh dont come complaining" crap everyday. im sick of it. stop judging people by my actions. stop judging and comparing me to all those people who enjoy a perfect life. i hate it. i cant take it. heck, you'd think 17 years would give me an immunity to it. but its like AIDS you know, always there, acting in the background, and poof! one day you collapse from a simple flu.
oh hello, popping in to say hi? guess not, you leave without a word. were you looking at me or him? were you gazing at me through scornful eyes which blazes the words :"i hate you" ?
people tell me to be more optimistic. i tell them there is nothing in this world to be optimistic about. forget the wars, the nuclear bombs, the deteriorating environment -- this shit is happening right where you least expect it. i cant stand it anymore.
is there a vaccine for suffering? god, i want to be the first. i dont care if there are any side effects. I WANT OUT.
how can people say they care and all they seem to do is the opposite? maybe im just blind, insensitive, stupid even. maybe. but if you care, wont you understand my limitations? instead of complaining incessantly, how about acceptance for a change? you said it once : "change what you can, and leave be what you cannot." i thought it was a wise thing. now i know its all just hypocrisy. give me a SIGN dammit, to show that you care. dont flail me with a spiked whip and say "i love you" at the same time.
is there a god? maybe. i wonder if i could drop him a fax, a memo, a goddamn POSTER maybe, SEE HERE. DO YOUR JOB.
peace out.
Sunday, October 08, 2006 @ 6:51 AM
Jeez its 9.48pm and i realise i got SPA tomorrow. I can't understand why the education system is so screwed up in Singapore. I mean, why the hell are you putting us through this shit? Don't you have fatter guinea pigs to find?
Mainly played the xbox and watched Naruto all day, cant think of something better to do. Cant think when I'm thinking of you.
Also caught Angelina Jolie on Lara Croft! hahaha..
Gonna go library tomorrow, catch up with charmane, hope her life has been better than mine. Hell, whose isn't?
Oh god, if you're there, please bring back good results. I dont know what to do without them. Heck, maybe life will turn out better.
Is life about results? Scoring As still you die at 65? Die a wealthy man who was deprived of everything which mattered in his life? How much worth is status in this world? How much worth does it deserve?
Maybe im just stupid, i dunno, but i got a limit. Gotta past it. Gotta keep going. GO GO GO!
Ah your life is probably just as screwed anyway, who the hell am i to complain? Gotta get my head in the game. What game? Its called
life. Yeah, life is a game. It plays with you. Waits to see you break. Then give you a chance to get it back together JUST TO BREAK YOU AGAIN.
Gotta study for SPA, gotta go. Gotta..
Saturday, October 07, 2006 @ 10:49 PM
reposted
This is my first blog, hope its not too messy.
Today went lion dance with the AJ wushu team and Koon San people. Only me, kangrui, wilson, waitsun, hwee teng and nyuk min went. The rest were all strangers. I went with the impression that we were just going to be watching the show, but well well, coach asked the guys to be the lion ass! Wen Da said it was easy lah, jus follow in front. Bluff people de, where got so simple? The first time i tried, the whole cloth came off! So embarassing! Kena scoled summore! At least i tried harder the next time. Was better. There was once where the guy doing the lion head for my lion -- his pants drop! HAHA! I din see la, but coach took over. Got someone oso ah, keep kickin my ass from behind la. QIAN DA!
The whole experience was good, but things worsened when i got home. Father was so pissed that i was home later than expected, and pissed that we performed for a taoist ritual, pissed at everything. I just dont understand why he wants to take everything away from me. Still threaten to call the principal, make me quit wushu, or change coach -- eh, this is my business bt dont affect other people!
I always wonder if my life was born to be deprived, not because of my own choice but because of other people's choices. Why does my life suck, and everything seems to be going wrong? Why can others lead such a normal, BETTER life, but im stuck in this parallel reality where the truth just hurts? I dunno. I got a headache. Peace out.