Saturday, April 11, 2009 @ 7:24 PM
i guess im only back here now because im facing problems. seems like that nowadays huh?
im so lost. i don't know what to do anymore. it seems like everything i do turns out wrong.
i can't trust myself anymore, because everything i do just can't seem to satify myself, or the people around me.
last night, i went for a seminar by a company. it ended late, and i wanted to stay out to save on my cab fare. but my mum decided for me that i should spend money on taking a cab home, assuming im out and will get in trouble, and blatantly doubts that i am out there doing anything worthwhile.
she blames that on her account that i told her the seminar would be held in the afternoon, when it was supposed to start in the evening. why on earth would i tell her something and say another thing? to her its just because i want to spend time outside and have fun. but if i want to do that i would just tell her the truth in the first place, like i've been doing.
to my parents, everything that i do nowadays seems inadequate. maybe its because i don't get satisfactory grades. maybe its because in the past, i've not been optimizing my time. maybe its because they have the underlying assumption that i cannot be doing anything right these days.
just a few days ago, my father withdrew his support for me to go overseas and study. his reason? that i would just be wasting his money by going overseas. apparently, he believes its no longer worth it to fund an education in UK for us, because we will not be able to utilize the greater opportunity there, just because we are not on scholarship. just because we don't achieve the best grades, i am condemned to be a failure in this aspect, and destined to a life of slogging myself off in an office praying for a miracle to occur. that i need a miracle to succeed in a university. what i do not understand is, if in the first place you believe so strongly that i am such a low-IQ mediocre person who does not have what it takes to support the family in the future, why even bother to suggest studying overseas? why say in the first place, that you are willing to give me the opportunity to go expose myself to a foreign university? and now you are saying i cannot make it?
my mum says i do not spare a thought for them. if i don't, then why do i even care about what they feel and think? i believe that listening goes both ways. how can they expect to appreciate what i do when they do not even bother to listen to me in the first place? everything i say or do does not please you. everywhere i go, each person i go out with, i have to report to you. you don't even respect me for the small amount of privacy i require, or the small amount of trust i require to survive. if my parents don't even trust that what i am trying to do is meaningful, how can i be sure that what i do is right?
i am now at an all-time low in my life. i incur deficit in my expenses. i have increasing responsibilities at work. i am having relationship problems. my best friend decides to lie to me. i am having trouble trying to conceptualize what i want for my future. i am highly stressed most of the time, hence i have a deproving temper.
i am having difficulty trusting people nowadays. because of what happened recently, and what people tell me about a girl i know for 6+ years, i see different sides of the story and start to doubt human nature. my recruits tell me that being a tekong spec is a good life in NS because they can tekan people. my parents tell me that we cannot be trusted to give them a good future because we don't live up to THEIR expectations. i find it difficult to trust even myself now, when all the effort i put in the make things better, to be a good influence, to make my parents happy go the other way. how am i ever to trust that i can do things well anymore?
i am expected to save a ton of money, yet contribute greatly to the household expenditure. i am expected to be a grade A student. i am expected to be someone who spends time at home doing nothing but so that for the fact i DO spend time at home. i am expected to attend public speaking courses and take my driving license and do a million other things just so as to make them happy.
when have people ever listened to what i have to say, or choose to see what i do or what i am willing to do to make my life and my family's life better? they only choose to see what they want to see. they choose only to hear what they want to hear.
when have my parents ever tried to reason with me, or see things from my perspective? when have they ever sat me down and tried to get me to explain why i do things the way i do? when have they ever been concerned about my current state of well-being, apart from what they want to see?
they have never considered that i want to change my life. that i want to be a better person, that i want to be the person that will support them in their old age. when have they ever thought that all i want to do is to make them happy and make them proud? all they can say now, is that after my 20 years of age, i am a disappointment.
now, even i feel disappointed at myself. i really don't know where to carry on from now. if even my parents don't want to have faith in me, i can't see myself having faith in anything anymore. im just so lost.