Friday, October 05, 2007 @ 7:09 AM
its a friday! so i am on break. tomorrow will resume mugging. amk library, 10 am. pia all the way until evening. woot!
okay people, there are 24 more days to A levels, not counting today. jiayou!
lotsa people birthday coming.. seems that october is a popular month to be born eh? haha.
i really envy the jc1s sia. their promos are now over, and they're free to have fun and enjoy. those were the days man. when i look back and think about it, i thought it would be fun to be in jc2 with my friends. but then again, its so stressful, and time flies so fast to take away the things precious to you.
given the question, if i could turn back time and redo my life from scratch, i would probably claim that i would change my past for the better.
but once i think deeper, and dig real deep, i dont think im a person who is strong enough to change like that. and this time, i dont think its a sign of weakness or inability. this is who i am. and this is how i have lived, and gonna live the rest of my life. the future may be harder for me than others, but this is the only way im gonna get through. its no point wishing this or that, or resigning myself to my "fate" or whatever the heck you call it.
so what if i fail? so what if i fall? does it really matter if you lose today?
lose today to fight another day. if its not tomorrow, then the day after. if not, the day after next. or next, or next, or next. i dont really care. we shouldnt really care.
cos if we do, we'll be so tangled up in today that tomorrow is hard to come by. and when it does, we're so exhausted that it passes by so quickly you cant react. 'cos thats no fantasy world where your whim and fancy comes to life with a simple thought -- snap back to reality.
oops, there goes gravity. do you feel heavy? yeah, thats good cos it proves you're human. not even the world's greatest men and women feel differently. in the truth of it all, we're just human -- flesh, blood and emotion.
emotion is what makes us so distinctly human, as we express it differently from different animals. dogs or cats or monkeys or fish even, feel pain like we do. but do we know that? hardly, as we can only interpret their shrieks and noises through our intuition and logical guesses. emotion. is it a boon or bane? is what makes us, US? or is it something redundant?
some people call me emo. i guess its normal, albeit not exactly preferable if you're social life is wild and up. perhaps thats why people around me are so perturbed when they see me down. in their rationality, perhaps they forgot that i am also human, and not the perception or image which registered in their mind when we first met.
perceptions change. i read in the news lately about this reporter who has a gay friend. my opinion has nothing to do with the related person's sexual orientation, but rather what the reporter had mention in his/her (i cant rmb!) article.
he/she had said something along this line (i think. if i had wrongly interpreted the meaning, i apologise.) -- it was interesting to have a new friend, but once the novelty wore off, a new and deeper meaning to friendship appeared. (i think i got it wrong. but what the heck.)
deeper meaning, meaning? good or bad? cos some friends seem distant when you get closer to them. some people whom you thought were your friends, who had just discovered something they dont like about you, now distance themselves away. hell, what does friendship mean?
its too deep, too profound for words to describe. friendship is not something you can say, but perhaps something you'll experience someday. someday. why? cos friendship only shows when people develop a feeling and bond through trials and times. its not an overnight thing, its not a "me-and-you" feeling. friendship, is strength; is empathy; is courage; is love. its a million other things to billions of other people. but what matters most, is what it means to you.
it can mean a million joys when people feel the same way, but its a BILLION heartbreaks when they dont. i dont really mean you should go get the whole world to love you. but i mean that one should try to love the whole world.
its why people do unrealistic things for people who couldnt give a damn about them; its why you couldnt burn that picture. its what turn men and women into drunkards; its why you (its another you) still cant let go. its what differentiates strong from weak; its why im still the latter.
its why people cry when their loved ones die; its why you cant bear to let her go. its why you'd give up your life for her; its why you feel numb from the pain. its why people kill in the name of their loved ones; its why its such a feeble excuse.
2006 - 2007 has been eventful. good and bad. ups and downs. i can tolerate my failures. i can tolerate my mistakes. the damage done was limited to myself, so i can take it.
but i cant stand that i had hurt you. that i had hurt other people. people who trusted me, people who depended on me. people who loved me.
and thats the worst thing.
and people, at the end of this incredibly long post. i just wanna say.
im sorry. and i love you.