Monday, April 02, 2007 @ 7:31 AM
dunno why im doing this. i feel like shit.
i feel as though im forsaken, left to rot and wither in the cold and unyielding winds of this cruel world.
things that i see, things that i do, seem to have lost their meaning. i tried to maintain my falsity for a while, but i realise that when im alone, and it boils down to me and reality, the walls cave in and i see just how weak i am.
nothing is going right now.
my homework is due, my competition is as good as lost, audition as good as gone, and now im failing in my relationships.
its nothing personal, just that i am perhaps different that i thrive on person-to-person contact. forgive me if you will, if i have offended anyone in my course of obtaining solace. it appears that i still have none.
i have parents who dont appear to give a damn about me, and if they do, they put it so bluntly and paint a picture so unrealistic that seems so out of place in my god-forsaken world.
i have no idea where i stand in my social circle. do i belong at the bottom of the "hierachy", an outcast? or to put it more bluntly, do i face ostracism from others? or is is just paranoia setting in? oh god. how i lack self-confidence. its no wonder i am already crumbling at others' feet, searching for that missing vital part of me.
do i take things too seriously? perhaps yes, perhaps no. maybe thats my way of life. i was brought up in a perfectionist culture, so much so that even i dont accept my own circumstance. perhaps yes, perhaps no.
dreams come true? yeah i guess they do, someday, when you least expect it. but guess what? dreams are for idealists. i dont have any dreams; if i did they probably wouldnt come true. i set targets; but they are so unattainable i am battered down into a hollow shell when i fail. i try to reach out; and again i stumble before the white finishing line.
im really sorry for this emo post. i dont know what has gone into me. but i wanna keep this just as a reminder of my current self and the state of my psychological sanity. if thats what you call it.
call me crazy, call me nuts. call me guai lan for all the fuck i care.
oh yeah, and i DONT need professional help, jeez. im just being emo.
i wonder who will read this, who will give a shit to ask a beaten, broken and damned person to pick up his life.