Tuesday, September 30, 2008 @ 8:58 AM
ive been away too long, and too long for my own good.
time can do many things to a man. every minute you waste in your life is irreplaceable. the things you could have done, the time you could have wisely spent.
each time i leave my life behind, i feel as though im torn from it; my absence is an empty part of me. a hole which i cannot replace.
each time i come back i see things are different. the landscape, the places, the people. and people change faster than the technology in our 21st century. not that change is bad, (and im not saying its fantastic either) but the fact that im not there to witness it makes me feel uneasy.
i hate being left out; being the loner in the group. im someone who cannot survive without others. my interdependency becomes my strength as well as my weakness. and i suppose not many people can understand that.
i suppose im incomprehensible in that sense. how could other people possibly understand what im going through? they dont feel as i do, they dont experience things as i do, and they dont see the changes that i do. so when other people see differences in me, they are uncomfortable because they dont understand me.
and that, makes me a really lonely person in this world.
im there to take the stress as a leader, as someone who is expected to perform above others, someone who sees the bigger picture in everything he does.
FACT: i cant really handle the stress, as a matter of fact i think im gonna crack soon. im not exceptional, as a matter of fact i suck big time. and how the heck do you see the bigger picture and be optimistic about it when all you perceive is that you dont fit in?
the truth hurts. reality stings. those are facts of life i have come to accept.
now that i dont have wushu in my life, im slacking in a venting point for me to vent all my frustration into. sometimes i feel like im a 1.5 litre bottle of pepsi which is roughly shaken and fizzing at the cap. and because im supposed to maintain a certain image of myself, and to uphold the name of my school, my country and my service, i have to superglue that cap on the bottle.
i just wanna progess on and transition into the next part of my life. cos this part really sucks.
things always happen for a reason, dont they? and the reason is you.