Wednesday, April 18, 2007 @ 10:06 PM
now in FAR slacking.. cant believe even after comp i take so long to warm up to studying. this feeling sucks; the realization that your whole day has gone down the drain and 24 hours of your precious life has been wasted. feels like.. a loser.
oh yeah, loser. cant help but feel this way for a long time. ever since my individual event at manjusri.
failed to achieve what i normally did. failed to live up to expectations. failed the team. failed my parents. failed my friends. ultimately, i failed myself.enough of this stuff. im getting sick of demoralizing myself further in a continual spiral of self-denial and hate.
no, dont tell me im wrong.anyway as the principal said this morning, people outside school are sending in letters to complain about some of the things we students blog about. heh. i wonder whose blogs they have been reading. maybe mine? haha. i find it hard myself not to feel pessimistic when i read my own entries. but guess what? over time, like ive said before, im no longer a pessimist, but rather a realist.
im not realistic in the sense that i become cynical about the things around me, or that i realise the world revolves just to kill everyone on it one day. but rather, im a resigned person to fate -- resigned to the fact that people's lives (including my own) are the way they are and there is nothing, absolutely nothing, in the world that we can do to stop it from happening the way it does. its a contradiction in itself -- how can you change what you dont know will happen? so let it be, and accept it.
change what you dislike and can change, but leave be what you cannot. 船到桥头自然直.its a funny thing, on how i react to different circumstance. i tend to find myself reacting according to other people, instead of vice versa. im a person who is more likely to conform to others rather than standing out and leading the crowd. not because i dont have a knack for leadership, or that i have zero creative genes, its more that i want to be accepted by people. who doesnt? we live in a world which has zero tolerance for difference. because difference, is equivalent to rejection.
the world is indeed becoming smaller. and more alike. now i know why korean models look alike.he walks a lonely road at night, the dust around his feet flying with each step he takes. its pitch dark with no street lights, no source of radiance he can see. he fumbles in his pockets for his last match stick; with its small flame he is bestowed a limited range of vision. seconds later, the match stick dies out, and he is engulfed in darkness once more. his breath comes out as mist; shallow breaths like minature clouds in the air. and he walks on, in the darkness, alone.