Monday, October 06, 2008 @ 2:30 AM
okay, my last post before i MIA to taiwan for another 21 days.
today i spent largely at home, except for going out to eastpoint to change my currency and buy my stationery.
was supposed to go out today, but mum asked me to stay at home and rest. im a good boy, so i did.
*sighs*
it feels so surreal that im leaving again. leaving everything behind. home, and all that it encompasses.
i think my iPod is against me, playing all the kind of songs im seriously not in the mood to hear.
im leaving again. this time, i feel even more urges not to.
but then again, even if i stay, what is there for me here?
i have nothing here, and nothing there, nothing which makes me wanna go or stay. im stuck in limbo. feels like i have no place to go anymore.
even town seems like nothing nowadays. going there and walking past and into the shops which im used to being dragged into only makes me an intense sense of longing.
all those memories, all those happy memories; i thought i had. now seem lost and gone, like the fishing line which snapped under too much tension. its like the fish which just nibbled the bait off the hook, leaving the fisherman wondering what he did wrong.
clever fish.
as im typing this im reminded of that time in junior college, when me, wilson and kr would just stone and emo and ponder about this aspect of our lives. why things happen this way, why is love just so unfair.
people dont seem to love each other; superficiality and falseness seem prevalent. who is sincere, and who isn't?
how many people really want to change? or do they say things for the sake of immediate gains.
who actually cares? about you, as a friend, a lover, a husband or wife? or are those expressions of concern devoid of emotion and purity?
all these questions, so many answers.
if i were to write my own story, would these be a part of it? its amazing to see how some writers are able to portray life as so wonderfully perfect.
i recall telling a dear friend about reality, and how to accept it.
i think i forgot to mention that reality is also devoid of compassion. compassion, sincerity and love -- these are the rarities in life which one only finds in the purest of hearts.
what will be different in 21 days?
will the economy have collapsed and we find ourselves on the precipice of the next financial crisis? will the climate have deteriorated so bad people wear face masks to work?
will the development at marina bay progressed so fast the horizon is blocked by buildings and skyscrapers? i spent the time outside the esplanade not studying the construction, but rather what's left of the horizon.
will the people have changed too? maybe my brother can run faster than me by the time im back. maybe couples who are together now would have broken apart. those who are friends today may not be by the time im back.
as i told alford yesterday, my life is in a constant state of flux. it changes constantly, and it hurts just to keep up.
but i told jules that day too, that im gonna be indifferent by the time she comes back. indifferent as compared to the time that i spent in junior college. im going to be the one to inspire and bring joy to others, even at my own expense.
its a good trade-off then. i think so. how else can i possibly survive? im happy when you're happy. and thats enough for me.
okay enough ranting. im gonna go get ready. i suppose im more or less prepared to face the people sending their friends and families off at the airport. that need for that warmth, the final hug and well wishes. things that i probably wont get.
but its okay. i suppose its asking too much of life to have all the good things. so i shall be content with what i have, with what i had, with who i am.
take care, people. take care, you.
i guess i won't be here for you now. but you'll be fine. you always were, even when i wasn't there.
the survivors creed: "for one to survive, one must die.."