Tuesday, October 28, 2008 @ 11:51 AM
wowa.
what a day.
went to visit zichun at his place in amk. glad to see he's recovering fine and well. lucky man, doesn't need to book in for god knows how long.
we played bball at his place. i played a few matches, and left for YCK station.
i gave my gift to the person i missed most while i was away.
and i was sad.
i went back to the place i missed most since i enlisted. i saw the team which made my jc life fufilling, only they were two years younger. i saw the camaderie, the spirit and the binding strength of friendship.
and i was sad.
i went back to zichun's place only to find they weren't playing anymore.
and i was sad.
we had dinner at some hawker centre which burned my wallet.
and i was sad.
i lost to boon at NBA street.
and i was sad. (okay, not that sad. don't think im a sore loser, im just sad.)
i heard the very thing which i was expecting since i came back from Brunei.
and i was sad.
i recall that i have to book in later at 2130.
and im sad.
i think about dec and the commissioning, and everything that is attributed to it.
and im sad.
i think back about what happened this year, the ups and downs and the people who were a part of my life.
and im sad.
i think about my grand dad who's in hospital.
and im sad.
i think about how deja vu this whole damn thing is. and how ironic that he happens to be the very person i'd least expect (at least in the past) to do this to me.
and im depressed.
i think about where this is going and i see no future, and hell yeah.
im depressed.
now i think about how people don't laugh at my jokes.
im depressed.
i think about how superficial i might have been, and how others might be.
im depressed.
i think about how concern and self-consciousness can lead to resentment and sadness.
i get more depressed.
i think about saturday and the fact that he's going, and i have no idea how to look him in the eye.
i get more depressed.
i realise that there's no one to blame but myself.
i hate myself.
i regret, no i resent myself and my role in this little farce called my life which plays out to be some greek tragedy. but hell, the show must go on.
i realise that i should not be writing these stuff in here, that they're supposed to be feelings and thoughts which i normally lock up within me. but what the heck. im done with writing in a book with empty, blank white pages which im supposed to fill up.
heck. like boss said, wearing a mask to survive.
so i guess this is probably the only true confession of how really feel inside. otherwise, i would be feigning ignorance and pulling a false front of stability. this shall be my only crack, the only fault line -- the only sign of weakness i will show.
do not ask me if i am alright. if i need any help. if i need to talk to someone. that's driving the wedge into the crack.
who you see on the outside is who you get. trust me, you wouldn't want to know the real me. cos that person is nothing but a whirlwind of emotional conflict and confusion he doesn't even know whats real and whats not.
thats my disclaimer to you people out there.
i guess its time for me to leave the picture.
curtain closes on a stage with an empty audience.